Yesterday a truck driver ran into me in the street.
-Oh, that’s awful! Are you all right?
Yeah, he wasn’t driving a truck at the time.
What did the fish say when he bumped into the wall?
Damn.
Man: Where were you born ?
Boy: London
Man: Which part?
Boy: What do you mean by which part? Whole body born in London
…
Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac who would lie awake at night wondering whether Dog existed?
Peter
What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist.
Did you hear about the kid who got run over by a steamroller?
His parents weren’t home, so they just slid him under the door.
Q.: What’s the difference between parsley and pussy?
A.: Nobody eats parsley.
Some favorites from Rodney Dangerfield:
Two dumb guys go bear hunting. They see a sign that says “Bear Left.” So they go home.
Guy goes to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist tells him “You’re crazy.” Guy says, “Mind if I get a second opinion?” Psychiatrist says, “OK, you’re ugly, too.”
I don’t get no respect… Last week I saw my kid and the mailman going to a father and son dinner.
A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
As that link now says something deeply unfunny about copyright, I presume this is what it used to have.
What has 4 legs and says AAAAAAAAAAA?
- A sheep with no lips.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
-Red Paint.
-Two fish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Hey, you know how to drive this thing?”
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!
Q: What’s white and twelve inches long?
A: Nothing.
Did you hear on the news about that guy who was in that horrible accident? He got the whole left side of his body cut off! But don’t worry, he’s all right now.
My favorite short joke, which I have never had the guts to actually use, is when people look up at me and say, “Oh, my goodness! You must play basketball!”. The ideal response (which, again, I have never used) would be to look down and say, “Oh, you must be a jockey!”
A dyslexic walks into a bra…
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
Ground pork.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want; he still won’t come.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied 'er.
Who’s bigger, Mrs. Bigger or Mrs. Bigger’s baby?
Mrs. Bigger’s baby is a little Bigger.
A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint. All the sailors were marooned.
Another accident: A truck full of thesauruses tipped over. The bystanders were surprised, shocked, astonished…
Know any jokes about sodium?
Na.
Back in the olden days, when white men would cork up their faces (use soot scraped from the inside of coal-burning stoves) to do Black Face in Vaudeville (my maternal grandfather did) this would be Joke Teller=Mr. Interlocator. The minstrils who answered in chorus=the Greek chorus of Euphid…ily (I can’t spell this) ancient fame.
There’s nothing new under the sun.
Bobby: Teacher! Teacher! We were running through the corn field and Johnny fell and got a piece of corn stuck up his ass!
Teacher: You mean rectum.
Bobby: Rectum? Damn near killed him!
Mickey Mouse’s lawyer: Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie just because you think she’s crazy.
Mickey: I didn’t say I think she’s crazy. I said I think she’s fucking Goofy!
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alleyway. One was a salted.