How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how do they get in there?
Two trucks carrying thesauruses crashed. The bystanders were shocked, horrified, astounded, taken aback…
Dyslexics Untie!
A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to complain about the violation of the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the socket.
They say the Irish gave the Scots the bagpipe a thousand years ago, and the Scots never caught on.
There is no knowledge that is not power. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Study hard. Be Evil.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant life form had no bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this stupid F-Shirt.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,because maybe youll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
“Motion-tracking turrets!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!”
God shouldn’t have told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. He should have told them not to eat talking snakes.
English does not borrow from other languages. English follows other languages into dark alleys, knocks them over, and rifles through their pockets for loose grammar.
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Bad accident outside my house: a Mustang hit a Thunderbird so hard there’s nothing left but horseshit and feathers.
My uncle’s allergic to cotton. He’s got some pills for it, but he can’t get 'em out of the bottle…
A cat will always land on its feet, and a slice of buttered toast will always land butter side down. However, a cat with buttered toast attached to it will hover in the air in a state of quantum indecision.
A guy says, “I hate Jews,” and I said, “Why?” He goes, “Because they killed my God.” They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I’d worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there’s some badasses on that team, man.
My last henchman failed me terribly. We all ate well that night. Filet minion.
The juice maker got fired from the juice factory. He couldn’t concentrate.
This first made me think of the website www.tshirthell.com which features the ‘WWJD for the klondike bar’ shirt. I don’t condone all of the shirts on this site… many are rather crude… but I won’t deny that I have giggled at some. (I had stumbled upon this website years ago… and I don’t remember the shirts being THAT ludicrous… but now revisiting I am gasping at some. Perhaps I have matured… ::thinks for a minute::… nah…!)
Be nice to me, cos, like my grandad died in a Nazi concetration camp
Oh my God, that’s horrible!
Yeah, it was awful. He fell out of the guard tower.
What do you call a clam that’s all fruity inside?
Tom Cruise.
A man says to the guy behind the counter: “Is this a cheese shop?”
“No”
“Well that’s completely fucked this joke, then.”
“How do you know when your best friend is a fag?”
“When his dick tastes like shit!”
A psychic midget escapes from jail.
He was a small medium at large!
How do you tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
The taste.
How do we know that Adam and Eve were the first communists?
Because who else would run around naked in the woods with only one apple to eat between them and still think they were in paradise?
Game show host to contestant: “What did Eve say when she took off Adam’s fig leaf?”
Contestant (scratching her head) “Wow, that’s a hard one.”
Game show host: “Correct! You just won a million dollars!”
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupt---
MOOOOOOOOOO
How do you kill a unique rabbit?
Unique up to it.
How do you kill a tame unique rabbit?
The tame way. Unique up to it.
At the checkout line a man is paying for his dozen hotdogs, his loaf of bread, his case of beer and his Ramen Noodles. The checkout girl looks at him shyly and says “You must be single.”
The man chuckles and says “Why do you say that?”
“Because you’re fucking ugly.”
Q: What has one arm, four legs and wags its tail?
A: A happy pit bull.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into the lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Too damn cold out tide.
How do you confuse an idiot?