Astronomer Neil Degrasse Tyson Claims "The Earth’s a Big Blue Marble When You See it From Out There"
Only people over 40 seem to comprehend statement
Area Teacher Who Used to Hate his Dead-On Resemblance to Sammy Davis, Jr. Now Irked that Nobody Remembers Sammy Davis, Jr.
Mickey Rooney Asked Secret to an 88 Year Career in Show Business; Responds "Cold in Here… I Just Pissed On Myself"
Mario and Luigi Arrested after Masturbating in Public Bathroom
Pee Wee Herman, George Michael send supportive Tweets.
Yoshi Quits after 30 Years
“Absolutely sick of this shit,” says Yoshi through a translator.
Golden Mushroom Found to Cause Gigantism, Flaming Poop, Nerd Orgasms
Pfizer and Merck race to get first nerdorgamamine pill to market.
God Installs Phone Tree for Prayers
“Should help with the volume of calls requesting God’s help for a team to win a particular sporting event or to be cured of whatever affliction God Himself probably gave them in the first place,” explains archangel.
God Closing Facebook Account
“Nobody gives a shit what I’m doing, only what they want me to do,” says God.
Jesus to be Special Mediator at NFL Collective Bargaining Meetings
Says Panthers owner Jerry Richardson, “I don’t care who the fuck his father is, we have to show the players who’s the boss.”
Face of Virgin Mary Found in Semen-Stained Sock
Owner/creator Jerry Edelstein to be a featured guest on Sean Hannity.
Special Report: Satan Spends Days at a Time Watching Japanese Porn
Decrease in crime, violence attributed to sailor girl uniforms and semen-soaking.
Breaking: Albert Puljols Turns Down Dictatorship-For-Life of Kansas City in Latest Contract Offer
“If Kansas City is the best those cheap bastards can do, I’m paying the Red Sox a visit,” says Puljols.
Michael Vick Accidentally Eats Dog Meat on Goodwill Visit to the Phillipines
“Fuck. Fuck! FUUUUUCK!” says Vick.
ESPN Wins Nobel Prize for “30 for 30” Documentary Series
Nobel committee mesmerized by the power of Rickey Williams’ drug-induced, Shakespearean performance.
IMDB Poster Wonders Why Nobody Appreciates Obscure Movie Quote
“Turn it up to 11? Really? C’mon! Everybody’s seen it, right? C’mon!!” says poster.
Innocent Question about “The Monty Hall Problem” Results in 300 Pages of Name-Calling, Multiple Bannings, Deletion of 200 User Accounts
Thread “NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO START A THREAD ABOUT THE MONTY HALL PROBLEM” gets stickied in all forums.
Area Woman Depressed She Wasn’t First to Answer Softball Bulletin Board Question
“Somebody else posted just before me by 30 seconds…again,” laments poster.
IMDB Posters Seriously Discuss Zombie Biology
“We like to pretend our thoughts actually matter to someone…anyone,” says poster.
Marlee Matlin Chosen to Sing National Anthem at Superbowl 46
“Whatever goes wrong, we got the perfect out” say promoters
"Why Do The Stars Have To Be So Fricking Far Apart?" Laments Astronomer
“All the other scientists get to make field trips, even fricking paleontologists!” local astronomer fumes.
**
String Theory Unravelling!**
New physics theory propose universe is made up of micro-cosmic dust bunnies.
Ancient Civilizations Crude, Low-Tech Admits Area Archaeologist
“If I read one more paper trying to make a big deal out of pottery sherds I’m gonna puke,” declares disgusted archaeologist.
DC Comics to Destroy, Remake Universe for 4th Time in 20 Years
“Sounds like an Onion headline, doesn’t it? Boy, I wish.” says collector.
Wow, I was going to make a few more but this one just blew my mind.
Adult Pet Chimp Viciously Attacks Owner
“Owner’s face so badly damaged he had to be recognized by his yellow hat”
Local Man Found Existentially Silly
Islamic cleric declares fatwa on beard ticks
“By the grace of the Prophet, we will defeat the infidels!”, Sheik Abdullah said between fits of scratching
Out of control Mardi Gras celebration engulfs southeast. National Guard called in to quell celebration
Revolutionaries inspired by Egypt overthrow Vatican in coup
Pope in hiding with Saudi royal family
Area Muslim “extremely annoyed” at being mistaken as Jewish
Pluto seen in area gym training for return to planet status