People have different levels of need Olives. Nashiitashii and I are married and have been together for something like 9 years; (married two) and enjoy sex usually 5-7 times a week. We both have high libidos. For us physical intimacy is extremely important. Now we also enjoy a partially open relationship so the “rules” are a bit different for us. If she randomly decided to cut off sex I’d have to look elsewhere for that option, but should she demand suddenly a change in that long standing arrangement as well, then I think I might have to pursue a divorce. She wouldn’t be the same person that I married at that point. Something would have gone really screwy to change her personality and beliefs that much; if she can’t share them with me, the person who is supposed to be her closest partner in all things, then I’m not certain that I’d consider myself bound to her any longer.
The OP is too vague to properly answer/
But to those who posted about a SO who just refuses sexual advances and will not even talk about why or what, how do you put up with that? And I don’t mean the sex I mean the shutting out thing? Assuming it really is spontaneous and not triggered by something.
I’d cry, beg, argue, weep, and then give up, pretend that she never existed, and go back to playing MMORPGs. So much less drama 
Like others, I’m having a hard time accepting the premise. I can’t see why somebody would “randomly” decide to stop having sex in a relationship. I’m going to assume there’s an actual reason behind this decision and find out what the reason is.
Six…YEARS?!? I don’t understand how you can “just end up staying” for 6 entire years. Jesus.
Well, this would never happen. I simply cannot imagine my husband deciding he doesn’t want sex anymore. No way. But, assuming it did, and he couldn’t give a reason for it and it turned out there was no medical cause, and he wasn’t willing to compromise…it would be over, unless he was OK with an open relationship. But really: this would never happen.
Step one with any problem in a relationship is to try to figure out what is the root of the problem (it pretty much is the first step in all problem solving). So, yeah, I’d try to find out what’s going on.
The problem, as I see it, is that sexuality is so much more than ‘happily married couple, getting enough to keep them happy’, and ‘Not getting what I want, I’m gettin’ a divorce’.
I’ve seen 5 or 6 major, long-term, relationship types, unfortunately, the one where both are getting enough to keep their needs met is only one of those types…and statistically a very small percentage of the whole.
I think if people were much more open to the thought that ‘you’re going to be married for DECADES if you’re successful’ then they need to come to grips with the fact that they won’t always line up, and if there’s any emotional or environmental scar tissue, it WILL become an issue, and it DOES need to be addressed if the ultimate goal is ‘happily married to this person for the rest of your life’.
If the end result is divorce, or ‘I shoulda divorced years ago’ or ‘5 to life with time off for good behavior’ then I think more people need to be more open to the signals that things aren’t working and can’t be worked out.
I’ve been in the situation where 98% of our marriage was fine to great, but the sex wasn’t there. Was I going to give up 98% for that remaining 2%? Sure, folks will ascribe a sexual relationship as being a whole lot more than 2%, but if you look at your lifestyle, friends, house, kids, future, past…it becomes do I give up EVERYTHING for this? (Granted, everything has a LOT of inertia…an object at rest tends to stay at rest.)
I think if more people realized certain things, then a whole lot of people would be happier. (whether that was ‘our marriage was a mistake’, ‘I like boys more than girls’, ‘love and sex are two different things and I can love you forever while getting my itch scrached somewhere else’, or ‘libidos will rise and fall over time…give it a bit’)
Get a new SO, or a new sexual partner if they have a really good excuse. No one should have to give up sex to please someone else. It’s incredibly selfish to voluntarily withhold sex. If we’re talking about some serious physical or mental disorder, I don’t consider that voluntary, or randomly cutting off sex, but even in that circumstance, holding someone to a faithfulness standard for an extended period of time is still selfish.
Would it be more important if your SO started having sex with someone else?
This kind of comment always bothers me to death. I don’t understand why sex isn’t important to people, but I know people have different levels of needs. Obviously.
Sex is important to me; it’s really the main thing I do with my partner that I never do with anybody else. That and share incomes!
Anyway even when my mother died or his grandmother died, those events brought us together, not apart, and we made love during those times, too. So I’d be really worried if he stopped, and probably think something was seriously wrong. I mean, we have dry spells - but they never last more than a week or so.
You do know where people come from right? I don’t understand why people don’t understand that sex is the prime imperative of life. You don’t have to make it the priority of your life, that’s what free choice is about, but assuming that anyone can disregard it is absurd. Of course I’m a man. Our motto is “Life without sex is death”.
I think there is a difference between no sex/physical intimacy and no S&M dildo assisted sex swing double penetration. I could easily imagine someone not being up for er big production sex for emotional issues or whatever, but not physical intimacy at all would be insane and I don’t understand how someone could endure that.
My husband had to put up with this for months at a time. Twice. The second time there was an obvious reason; I’d just gone through childbirth and both my ladyparts and my hormones were not happy about the whole thing for quite a long time. I did try to do sexual things with him other than intercourse, but they were relatively rare.
The first time, well, there was an obvious reason in the sense that I was really tired and apathetic all the time, but that was somewhat random. I think, in retrospect, he must have been rather frustrated, but he stuck by me, and encouraged me to go to the doctor. When I finally did go, which took me a while (see: apathy), it turned out it was a thyroid imbalance, easily fixed.
Thank goodness his libido isn’t as high as some of the people’s here… olivesmarch, I have to say that I’m with you on this one. I mean, sex is nice and all, but it’s not what holds us together. Fortunately.
Not enough information. In this hypothetical, does my SO have a sister?
I’m pretty sure that people don’t “randomly” stop having sex. There’s a reason. Negotiations will stem from that reason.
If the reason is medical, that’s not a dealbreaker, but if there’s a possible resolution I expect that we’ll try it.
If the reason is rooted in relationship issues, I expect that we’ll do everything we can to resolve them.
If the reason is “I’m not interested in having sex with you anymore, I don’t anticipate ever being interested in having sex with you again, and I don’t see this as something that needs to change.” then I’m out.
Hmm, first I would check the basement for an empty pod, as that is the most like reason I could see him do this. Assuming he has not been replaced by alien spawn, we would have to have a long talk to see what was up. If he did not want to do that, I would have to assume it was because he no longer wanted to be married. If he has an issue that important and can’t/won’t talk about it (endlessly, in excrutiating detail), then he is seriously not the man I married and I would not be a signficant enough part of his like for us to continue a sham marriage.
FTR, we’ve been married 22 (hot, sexy) years and have no children to complicate the issue of staying married beyond our personal relationship.
I would cheat on her. If she randomly did that, clearly its not for some logical reason and is designed just to hurt me. I see no reason not to hurt her back, and proceed with a divorce.
Exactly my thoughts…if one decided to roll unbiased 2d10s, with a preconceived rule of withholding sex if it came up double-Ohs, then I would truly call it random.
Bizarre, but truly random.
I can’t imagine having a relationship with a cookie like that.
Tell the bitch to pack her shit and kick rocks.