“I think she’s doing it wrong.”
No kidding, eh? It’s like old home week around here lately. 
“Are any of them hot?”
Of course, the last time my wife and I went to a strip club together (for a friend’s birthday), we ended up doing our own private version of MST3K – the place was…somewhat lacking in high-quality entertainment.
My wife is well aware of the three other times in my life I’ve been to a strip club. She knows I have zero desire to go to one of my own accord and hasn’t anything to worry about. In fact, I think the last time we were in Vegas, the conversation went something like this.
Me: “So, you know Christine and the gang might want me to go to the strip club with them again.”
Her: “Yeah, have fun with that.”
Me: “You want to come if we go?”
Her: “Like I said, have fun with that.”
I love my wife. 
“Will you home in time for dinner, or do I get all the brats for myself?”
Or maybe
“Tell Mark Hi” (the guy he used to go to clubs with)
or possibly
“If you come home with more dollar bills then you left with, you’re doing it wrong.”
Now if I found out later that he’d been at a club and I didn’t know about it, I’d start to wonder what he was hiding.
“What happened to the car? What hospital are they taking you to?” Because if my husband called me from a strip club, the most likely explanation would be a car accident with a head injury.
I read that like three times before I figured out that you weren’t talking about eating alone with your kids.
I would say, “Is it as gross as I’ve heard?” The three in our town are rumored to be less than classy. If it was okay, I’d tell him he was taking me next time.
“I’m not coming and, as per our agreement, if you have sex with another woman I don’t especially want to participate.”
My response was always either “thanks for letting me know” or “why are you telling me this?”, depending on my mood.
We’re divorced now, by the way, and at the time of the divorce pretty well broke because his entertainment needs were always bit more important than any other bill.
“Oh, yeah? Anything worth writing home about? And hey, don’t be *too *generous with tips. We’re not made of money, ya know.”
I’m cool that way.
“So, are you gonna want dinner when you get home, or will you have already eaten?”
“Cool. Just don’t come home with glitter on your face.”
Olentzero!
I feel like I’m having deja vu all over again and again and again these last couple of weeks.
Probably, “My god! Did you lock your toolbox ??”
(The strip club here is in a VERY high-crime area. Hubby has one of those toolbox thingys in his pickup truck bed.)
I love this answer.
“Why? You’re gay.”
And somehow, despite how your purity and innocence shines through, I suspect you’re well aware of the existence of male strippers. 
The question in the OP did specify a woman dancing in front of my spouse. That was the question I chose to answer.
“Awesome. Let me know if you’re going to bring one home with you.”
hmmmm… depending on my mood I might say:
“Shopping for my boob-job? Whatever you spend there you’ll need to match and put in my boob-fund”
"“Really? And you didnt invite me? How rude!”
“Will you be home before I have to go to work?”
If I said this to the wife, she might say something like, “Really? What’s that music playing? What kind of dance is it? Is it a sexxxxy dance?”
My wife would intentionally watch a naked woman dance probably only one of abject curiosity, so if she called me to say she was being so entertained, I’d probably say, “Run out of other things to do?”