What are your thoughts on keeping a persons name on the phone bill (which of course shows up on caller ID) after that person dies?
Actually to be more specific, when they remarry and reside in the same house but keep the former husbands name.
My friend had a childhood friend who passed away. They had lived in the same neighborhood all their lives. My friend would check on his wife and daughter after his friend passed away. They eventually got close , she got pregnant and they are now married. It is 2 years after her first husbands death, but yet his name is still on the caller ID.
It bothers my friend, as he has made it their home.
Would it bother you to see a persons name show up on your caller ID long after they had passed away?
I know people grieve differently. But I am wondering how you would feel in the new spouses shoes.
And as a friend or family member of the deceased person.
I had posted this topic on another message board. It is a smaller board and I have been there almost three years so we all know each-other (as much as you can cyberly).
Anyway, I was told by many posters that I am saying she Should change the name and that people grieve differently and I have no right to expect anything from her.
I did not see it as that, but that since she is married and has had a baby it seems disrespectful to her new husband to have her deceased husbands name on the bill.
Actually, it is not the bill that matters. It is the fact that it is the name people see on their caller ID.
She took my friends last name when she married so why not change the phone listing.
When my father passed away, we had his voice on the answering machine for an few extra weeks. Most people found it macabre.
If my call display showed that “my father” was calling, I’d find it in rather poor taste actually. It is now in my mother’s name, but as her first initial and her married name.
Widows often keep their husband’s names. But once remarried it does seem to be slightly odd to keep a dea person’s name on the bill and listing.
I’m not sure if my mother has changed the phone bill, but she did change the answering machine within a week after Dad died. Frankly, I think it’s a good idea for her to keep his name in the phone book just for her own security.
But if she remarried, it’d be too weird to have my dad’s name show up.
It’s not healthy to cling to the past, IMHO, and it’s not fair to the current husband. Certainly if I was widowed and remarried, I’d not use my late spouse’s name for anything.
I mean, it seems reasonable that if she and her new husband are paying the bill, the whole account should have been changed to their new name.
If she has balked at changing it for grief reasons, I would say that it is time for your friend to sit her down and find out WHY. I am the last person to say that there is a time limit on grieving, but I think that if you have remarried and have a baby with your new husband, it is time to “cut that cord”. It doesn’t mean that you are forgetting the person you still grieve for…just that you have moved on with your life…presumably her first husband would have WANTED her to do that and find happiness…and that although you still grieve for your husband, you did NOT BURY YOURSELF WITH HIM.
My brother’s wife hasn’t changed their phone listing from his name…but then, she hasn’t been able to bring herself to even DATE yet, and it seems safer to her to have HIS name in the phone book. Everyone knows where to look her up under HIS name. But after a remarriage…well, I do think maybe there might be other issues going on there.
Or maybe she just hasn’t gotten around to it, and if your friend brought it up to her she would say “Oh, yeah…I keep meaning to do that, thanks for reminding me.”
Is it possible that she has forgotten? She doesn’t see what pops up on other people’s phones, presumably. (I don’t have Caller ID, and I can see where it would not occur to me to change something until someone pointed it out to me.)
I agree that once she’s remarried and has a new baby, it’s probably a good idea to change it–but I can imagine myself doing the same thing until somebody told me, because I forget that Caller ID even exists.
I am not sure why she has not changed it, but yes she knows.
She kept the answering machine with (previous husband’s voice) on it while she was pregnant. It was however changed before the baby was born. My friend and her were married about 2-3 months before the baby was due, but my friend had moved in once she found out she was pregnant.
Here is Houston Caller ID is everywhere. I receive it free with phone service. But more importantly… my friend has mentioned it to her.
It is not an earth shattering issue… and of course I would not make even a slight issue out of it, but he is my friends and calls me and vents about things and so yes… it hurts me for him.
I just find it dis-respectable to my friend.
BTW,
Just FWIW, since my friend had known her (former) husband since they were 7 years old… he has no problems telling his six y/o stepdaughter stories of him and answering questions. His picture is hanging in her room. So it is not like he wants to just ignore his memory. But he is making it their home, he has stepped in to the role of Husband and father and is happy. There are just some issues that they need to deal with.
My first reaction was to say “yeah, change the name already!” but then I remembered some weird stuff I did after one of my friends died. None specifically involved caller ID, but everyone has their “things” and sometimes it’s best to let people make these decisions at their own pace. I know there are a few things I did longer than I otherwise would have because other people made comments – sort of made me dig in my heels.
So many things change without you even noticing them, that when it gets down to only a few things left (like caller ID), those few things take on more importance because they are, in a way, the last threads.
Does her oldest child have the last name of the first husband? Maybe your friend could suggest a change to “The Second Husband’s Last Name-First Husband’s Last Name Family.” (you know, like the “Smith-Jones Family”) Of course, the child probably isn’t making very many phone calls at this age, but in theory, that would be a description of the blended family.
I never changed any of the bills when my first husband died until I sold the house and moved, quite some time later. It simply didn’t occur to me to do it, honestly. I’m sure partly it’s like delphics mentioned, too, the last few things were really hard to get rid of, even now.
Now that I’m remarried, my first husband’s name still pops up on some documents, including a monthly payment I get from his retirement fund. I have a bank account with my name, and BOTH husbands names as well for those funds. My husband has never mentioned it bothering him.
My mother in law has been widowed since 1983 and still has her husband’s name on all the bills, including the phone. When she calls us, my husband says it’s kind of nice to see his dad’s name show up on the ID box. He says it’s almost like he’s saying “hello.”
20 some odd years ago my dad passed away. To this day, the phone number on the family house still has his name as the listing. Why? well any more it just doesn’t occur to me to change it. But back then, the phone company (General Tel) wanted me to disconnect the phone, and pay all the fees as if I was just starting up service, and they wanted me to change the phone number.
Another day perhaps. When I am out there I rather like telling phone solicitors,
“who? Sorry, he’s deceased.”
But is that is a case of “widowed and NOT remarried.” It is extremely common for widows to simply keep their married names. And if you’re from the right generation, you may even wish to be called Mrs. John Smith rather than Mrs. Sally Smith.
Certainly, for women living alone it’s not a bad idea to keep John Smith as the one listed in the directory for security reasons. I’ve known women who live alone that had male friends record their voice greetings and one who lists her number under “Harry Lastname” – Harry is the dog.
But when a widow remarries so that the Mrs. John Smith household becomes the Mr. David Jones and Mrs. Sally Smith-Jones household, it is kinda weird for “John Smith” to be the name in the phone book.
Being single is different. I, too would keep my married last name if widowed… till things changed.
But I see this as different. Even if she wants to keep her name Mary Smith-Jones would be fine with me (former husband hyphen current husband) but that is not really the issue either.
This is her current husbands HOME as well and he makes it his home, he works, he cooks he takes part in the family.
If they had moved into a new house together this would not be an issue.
Also, I think that even though my friend was childhood friends with her former husband… it would be hard to have solicitors call and ask if he was the former husband given that is the name they see listed in the phone book.
IIRC, after my dad passed away, my mother was told that she would have to pay a security deposit or something like that if she wanted to change the name into hers (I guess since she had never had a phone listing in her name or some silly reason like that). It wasn’t worth the $$ (no more than $50 or so, but still…), so she never changed the name.
That is kind of odd. A very old friend of mine has a mom like this. She hasn’t changed anything since her husband died in 1994. So, all of her bills and her phone are still under his name. It’s kind of odd, because if my friend is there, I get a call from his dead father. :eek: But, his mother more than likely will never re-marry, so I can see where she would keep it that way.
But to keep a dead man’s name when you’re remarried to another person? It seems a little odd to me.
Well here in Dallas they have this stupid deal to where if you want to keep you number unlisted youu have to pay like a dollar a month or something. But one way around it is you can list your number under any name you want; So this is exactly what I did. and the name I used? It was my best friends name that had died a few years ago. When people ask me why I did this I just tell them its sort of a memorial to his memory. And the response I usually get after saying that is “Wow you thought that up with out being on drugs?.. incredible!”
One cool bonus to doing this is whenever somebody calls asking for my dead best friend I automaticaly know its a telemarker. Thats when I get to say “so in so’s dead” and hang up on them!
