You're really beautiful; is that shallow?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was wondering the opinion of other dopers on the board what they thought of just going up to somebody at say a party or maybe a bar even and introducing yourself then proceed to say something to the effect of “you’re so pretty (or whatever) I just had to come over and introduce myself.” Personally I never do this aproach because I don’t want to be precieved as shallow. Usually what I’ll do is I’ll find some other lame exuse to start talking to a lady I might find attractive. albeit my intitial motive was based soley on her looks.

So my question is this; which is geared more towards the ladies I guess since I can’t imagine their are a whole lot of guys out there who have ladies walking up to them telling them how “pretty” they are. (at least I don’t…sigh…) If a guy does walk up to you, introduces himself and says he had to meet you becuase he thought you were so beautiful; whould you a.) roll your eyes and tell this loser to move on or would you b.) be complimented and start up a conversation with said person?

2

First of all, I have told men that I found them to be beautiful.

Second of all, no, I don’t think it’s shallow. It would be nice to have a man walk up to me out of the blue and say that, I think. But I guess that’s what’s great about Mr. Sophie. He says it all of the time.

I have a great husband, don’t I?

3

I think it’s a bit crap, to be honest. A line like: “you have beautiful eyes” is a bit more bearable. But unless it’s at a social event (which it is in your case) where the woman has clearly done herself up to maximise her physical appearance, then it’s inappropriate.

The “I just had to come over” bit is really, really lame and crap.

Why don’t you just go up to them, and say “Hi, I’m SHAKES.” If you have to comment on their physical appearance, try to make it something they have control over, eg “you have a lovely smile” which brings their personality into the compliment.

I don’t think you really need to admit a “motive” though. I mean 999,999 times out of a million it’s going to be obvious that one person approached the other because they were attracted physically to them. So why emphasise the intital shallowness of the attraction when you don’t need to?

Unfortunately the most obvious intro-line “Do you come here often?” is now a cliche and a joke (at least in the UK). However you could try to say it in a funny/ironic way, and make her laugh, relaxing the whole introduction thing.

At a party, you could always say: “Hi, I’m SHAKES, an old schoolfriend of PARTY-HOSTESS. Have you known PARTY-HOSTESS long?”

In a club you could just ask her to dance.

In a bar you could ask her if she would like a drink.

4

I think everybody likes to be complimented. “You’re gorgeous,” would probably go over with most people if you could say it without seeming creepy or sleazy or something.

I’ve had women come up and compliment me on my looks before (not that often–I’m not Quasimodo, but I’m hardly Adonis). I always like hearing how great my eyes or hands or other parts are. Of course, I’m shallow . . .

5

I personally don’t like the dance question at a club, because you can’t talk to them while dancing! It feels to akward for me.

6

BTW, I’d probably never actually say to somebody I just met, “You’re gorgeous.” I just meant that I’d compliment them on their looks.

7

I think the problem here is that if she fancies you back on sight (thinks you’re attractive), you can probably get away with saying just about anything.

However if she isn’t instantly attracted to you, you’re likely to be at worst a nuisance (in which case you drooling over her will be irritating) or neutral. If she doesn’t find you attractive, or think you’re good looking, you’re going to have to project your personality.

And this is a horrible, horrible double standard, but someone you don’t find attractive being flirty is often creepy, whereas someone you do find attractive being flirty is nice.

So unless you are (a) hollywood star good looks or (b) fairly sure she is drooling back at you, go easy on the personal remarks.

Oh - and unless she’s an obvious label whore - don’t comment on her clothes. Nothing I personally find more emasculating than a guy who’s interested in and knowledgeable about clothes (yeah I know that’s unreasonable and unfair, but I just find it a turn-off).

8

If she’s beautiful by common taste, it may be not so much shallow as pointless

After all, the first thing you say to someone is intended to help them realize that you in particular are worth knowing. If everyone tells her that she is beautiful, you don’t seem different than any other guy she’s met.

If she wouldn’t be considered beautify by most people, one of two things could happen. She could be flattered, which is what you want.

Or, if she’s been burned by an asshole or two, she may think you are just flattering her to get something, which puts you on a very bad start.

Find something else to start the conversation.

9

I’m with Zyada… if she’s accustomed to receiving such compliments, she’ll be thinking, “Yeah, yeah… what else ya got?”, and if she’s not, she may not trust you.

Then again, you never know… recently I had a conversation with a coworker (who is, IMO, an attractive gal, but has never really seen herself that way) about how it feels to have guys whistle and hoot at you on the street.

I HATE it–it makes me twitch.

She LOVES it, and doesn’t understand how it could make anyone feel bad, because it means they find you attractive!

I am a person who has been complimented on her looks my whole life. My coworker is not one of those people. So when I get whistled at, I’m thinking that:

a) I’m probably the 17th woman these guys have hooted at in the last hour (which hardly makes me feel special)

b) These fellas are seriously misguided if they think that their monosyllabic indication that they’d like to boink me is flattering to me (I mean, men have been known to stick their weenies into vacuum cleaner hoses, so really it doesn’t take much to elicit this desire in some men), and

c) Walking down the street is not a sport, so why does it require cheering, anyway?

My coworker, meanwhile, is thinking,

a) They like me!

b) They really like me!

… so the truth is that you never can tell, but I’d go with the “Hi, I’m SHAKES” approach, to be on the safe side. Truthfully, if someone walked up to me from across the room and said “You’re beautiful,” (as opposed to hollering “Woo-HOOOOOOOOOOOO! YEAH, BABY!” from across the street), I wouldn’t consider it a deal-breaker, but I’d be more responsive to a simple Hello. :slight_smile:

10

It sounds really, really, shallow as an opening line.

If she’s beautiful, she has heard that a million times and will be rolling her eyes mentally if not physically.

If she’s not beautiful, she’d weary.

Either way, it’s not a good start. Think of something creative. That at least indicate you repect the other person.

Compliment her on the way she holds herself, her hair, her dress, something that she has done for herself.

11

See…I’ve got to go with the opposite here.

The problem with “you have beautiful eyes” is just that, that it sounds like a line. I’d just be like, “Yeah, whatever. Are you gonna try ‘you must be really tired, baby, you been runnin’ through my mind all night’ next?” A guy coming up to you and saying, “Hi, my name’s SHAKES - I think you look great,” sounds more honest somehow.

In answer to the OP, no, I don’t think it shallow. Or it is shallow, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Of course looks are going to be the first thing you notice about a stranger - it’s the same for girls too. If you think she’s pretty, tell her so, then strike up a conversation and see what you’ve got in common.

12

A friend and I were just having this conversation the other night. I think it’s a bit unncessary to express physical attraction–why would a stranger be talking to me otherwise–whereas she claimed to love the attention and flattery. I’d say that’s pretty indicative of the responses such an approach would garner. Either frustration or appreciation–so choose your targets wisely!

Along these lines, I’d just like to add a suggestion for all those guys out there with “beautiful” girls. Expand your repertoire of compliments, please. Being told your beautiful by someone you care about is great, it’s wonderful, it’s flattering–BUT–we’re other stuff too, you know. Tell us we’re clever, or funny, or kind, or interesting. Hearing “you’re so beautiful” again and again to the exclusion of nearly any other compliment gets old quicker than you’d imagine. I know it comes from the heart (hopefully) but it can make you feel a bit like a life-sized doll designed to be beautiful but not much else.

bella

13

I agree with the others–it’s not offensive, but it’s not a great line either. When guys said that to me, I just thanked them and then ignored them. So you think I’m beautiful? Big whoop.

Now, if a guy approached me and said something to indicate that perhaps we had a common interest–now that would always get me talking to him. Of course things were easier in that regard back in the grungy early 1990s, when it was perfectly acceptable for a chick to go to a bar wearing a Cannondale t-shirt…

14

Well, a creative way to do it, I guess, is like this – I met this guy in a bar, and we were just chatting, and he asked me if I would like a drink and I said okay.

So the waitress walks by and he stops her, and starts to order, and then looks at me and stops, and messes up, and restarts, and says to the waitress, “I’m sorry, she is just so sexy that I can’t even order. I can’t even get the words out.”

And then he did say the order, slowly. I was flattered. I liked it, a LOT. Then again, I may be shallow…