I’ve been with him for about 2 years. We used to have sex regularly, but over the past two months it’s slowed down quite a bit.
Last night, I started to initiate things, and he told me that he was not interested. He said that it was not me, or anything to do with me, that he loves me a lot. He said that three lesbians could walk in and get started and he would feel nothing. He said that men judge themselves by sexual performance and this embarrasses him and that is why he hasn’t wanted to talk about it. Now that he has, he doesn’t want to talk about it again. He says it’s a patch that we have to get through.
He is under stress and may be losing his job soon and he is having some issues with his family. In addition to that, I recently discovered a lump in my breast and will be going for a mammogram in the next few days. To me, that would be pretty valid reasons to not be in the mood, but I am wondering if something else is going on here.
He’s always had problems with the fact that I do not sleep naked. I don’t have any hang-ups, I’m just not comfortable that way. We also don’t sleep well together, his bed is not big and he is a big man who is a blanket hog. One of us usually ends up on the couch. And last week, he said that I didn’t kiss with enough muscle, which is nothing he ever complained about before. However, he calls me every night, several times and he is affectionate otherwise.
I am trying very hard not to be insecure, but that is a little tough for me. I want to support him, but I don’t know how. Anyone got any advice or insight or anything?
I dated a guy like this… He was a bisexual cheater. I was the last to know. The tip off for me was the small bed bit, the excuses, the way you kiss. He doesn’t want you to live with him because then he would be exposed. The guy I dated for almost two years called me every night too but I eventually found out the farce by accident. I was part of a very sick thing and something inside told me there was a problem. Follow your gut.
Sex is very important for men. If he has cut way back he’s getting it somewhere else. If he doesn’t think you kiss hard enough Hello?! He doesn’t like the way you sleep with pj’s? You might just be a front for this guy.
I’d hire a PI and find out what is really going on or move on. After 2 years you should either be moving towards living together and marriage or onto something else. I hope I am wrong but something is wrong and you owe it to yourself to find out. It sounds like he has an excuse for everything but penises don’t lie well.
My mother dated a man for three years only to find out he was a pedophile. I never got a good feeling around him and he drank too much. Someone in his family called my Mother and told her the truth and she dumped him. He was a retired teacher!
Take care of yourself and good luck with your tests.
I’m a guy in my early 30’s and sometimes I’m not in the mood when my girlfriend initiates, despite the fact that we are in a long distance relationship and don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like.
Perciful’s advice is awful; stress is a deadly libido killer, and I don’t think you need to look any further than that. It is important to support your boyfriend when he’s going through a difficult time, and it sounds like you have some things in your own like that are making you anxious as well.
Putting too much emphasis on it will be counterproductive, as you’ll start worrying even more and perpetuate the cycle. I would allow yourselves some time to recognise that you are both going through difficult periods, and not feel like you have to have sex to be in a good relationship right now.
If it continues after the stress factors in both your lives have resolves, it might be time to start talking about problem-solving, but it is absolutely normal for stress and anxiety to knock sexual interest down a few notches.
Perciful is right on the money – the world is full to the brim with bisexual serial cheaters, and you hardly ever find a guy with any stress in his life. So just by the sheer numbers we can see that Perciful is not just leaping to a generalization supported by a single incident in her life and imputing it to the whole world.
You know this, he tells you how embarrassed he is by his failing libido and you are wondering what’s going on? I don’t imagine your relationship is contributing to easing his stress at all.
I can give you a spiritual perspective which you may find useful. First don’t look to find fault in him, this will only hurt your relationship, you need to approach this with love to get love back.
Accept that you can not change him directly, you can only change yourself, but also realize that by changing yourself for the better that will change him.
The two of you together in a relationship is really a new creation. They ways that worked for you in the past as a single person won’t work for you as a couple, though he may tolerate it and you may benefit for it. As your old ways don’t work for you any longer, there are new ways that will work and benefit both of you, you have to find those ways. If it helps think of your relationship as a child you have with him, that child has aspects of both of you, but is a new person, your ways will not work for that child, nor his, but the child must discover the ways that work for him/herself.
An example:
I was dating someone who would burn certain incense when she felt stressed, it worked for her, but not for us as that would sicken me. It became a battle at times, she burnt it to help her feel better but I would need to ventilate the house and it was a battle. We found that playing the drums worked just as well, and I would normally join in, bringing us closer instead of putting one against the other. It was a new way we had to find.
You seemed to mention a conflict, in your sleeping habits, which seems to indicate issues to work on, for instance you can look into why you don’t feel comfortable sleeping naked with him and I suspect it has nothing to do with him, but issues in your past. Again this is not to say he has no faults, just that you can only change yours directly, which is growth on your part and a net benefit in itself.
I think it’s more likely to be stress than cheating. You and he might be able to work your way out of this by yourselves, or it might be helpful to seek some counseling or therapy.
I think you should ask him. Yes, he could be cheating but it could also have a medical basis or be stress or some other possibility. Since we don’t know him and you do, I think you should ask him about it, even though it’s hard to bring these things up sometimes.
Please don’t listen to Perciful. As a straight male I have a fairly high libido. And yet there have been times (sometimes months long) where I have lost interest in sex. Including one period where I was working 80+ hours a week and had huge familial stress. Hmmm… sounds familiar.
Popular culture tells us men should always be randy and ready to go. But it is simply not true and men are likely to have swings in their libidos just like women. And as you have said he has enough reasons to have a dead sex drive. Add to it the fact that he culturally programmed to believe that he shouldn’t have these kinds of changes in libido, and he may be freaking out even more.
I would recommend being as supportive as you can. And it probably wouldn’t hurt him to get some therapy. See if he can’t find a way to deal with the various stressors in his life. But my non-professional diagnosis is he is simply a man going through a rough patch… no more.
Viagra doesn’t make men horny. It helps a man who is already horny, but can’t get an erection.
Has your boyfriend talked to a doctor about it? It might just be stress, or it might be a medical problem, or, if he takes any medication, it might be a side effect. Might as well cover all the bases.
He may just be depressed - either clinically or situationally. Chill out for a bit and try not to read too much into it. Some people just need a little space and time to deal with their issues.
In a more serious vein, if your guy said he was stressed out over, say, Kate Gosselin’s chances on Dancing with the Stars, I’d agree that maybe some worry was in order. But you’ve identified at least two major areas – his family and your health – where stress and worry are very legitimately held.
So it’s not objectively unreasonable to think that what he’s saying is true. And it’s far more likely than the … the other theory propounded above.
Is this helpful? You know, posters on this board should be able to come in here and ask questions about deeply personal things without being insulted like this. Why don’t you keep your hateful snark to yourself?
As to the OP, I’d say just ride it out with him. But the way he criticizes little things about you- the way you sleep, the way you kiss- doesn’t that kind of remind you of your asshole ex-husband? Who needs that?
Three porno lesbians or three real lesbians? Because if three *real *lesbians walked in to my house, we’d more likely watch a hockey game than me pitch a tent.
Seriously, different people react to stress different ways. It could very well be that.
The complaining about your kissing is weird, though. If you like watching gay porn, watch some and gauge how interested he is.
