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  #1  
Old 12-30-2012, 09:04 PM
Stealth Potato Stealth Potato is offline
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I just had a Little Debbie Swiss Roll for the first time in my life

Well, to be more accurate, five or six of them.

For whatever reason, my life has been light on mass-manufactured snack cakes. I seldom buy anything that needs all four digits of the year in its best-by date. I have only the vaguest idea what Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs are, unless they are absurd sexual euphemisms. I have never eaten a Twinkie, and, now, perhaps never will. It was this realization of disaster, together with the whispered recommendation of friends and acquaintances, that caused me to pick up a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls by way of an impulse purchase at the grocery store tonight. They seemed ill at ease between several packages of tofu dogs and a bag of avocados. If it is possible for box of snack cakes to look guilty, this one did so.

Then I got them home and opened the box. There followed an indistinct time in which something occurred after the fashion of a moral hiatus. When I was putting my pants back on I saw that the box was half-empty.

Where have these things been all my life??

I think this is what people mean when they talk about a religious experience. These cakes merit praise in their every substance: deliciously adequate chocolate cake, neither too heavy nor too dry, coupled with fluffy and sweet creamy filling in a tubular roll that yields the half-fancied experience of giving a blowjob to the chocolate fairy, but all enrobed in a tidy chocolate coating that makes it possible to eat without looking as though that's exactly what you've done.

Half the box still remains, but I don't think it will survive the night.


[I'm not sure if this belongs more in Cafe Society or here, but I figure the mundane pointlessosity is sufficiently high. ]
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  #2  
Old 12-30-2012, 10:19 PM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is online now
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Meh, wait til you try them when you're not high.
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  #3  
Old 12-31-2012, 12:29 AM
Pine Fresh Scent Pine Fresh Scent is offline
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Meth Little Debbie Swiss Rolls: Not even once.
Had them every day for dessert in high school. I would use the thick white paper insert to slice them into pieces to prolong the experience. Good times.

Last edited by Pine Fresh Scent; 12-31-2012 at 12:32 AM..
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  #4  
Old 12-31-2012, 12:34 AM
Joey P Joey P is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pine Fresh Scent View Post
Meth Little Debbie Swiss Rolls: Not even once.
Had them every day for lunch in high school. I would use the thick white paper insert to slice them into pieces to prolong the experience. Good times.
I peeled off the chocolate coating, ate that, then sliced them with the white paper thing while at school. If I was at home, I would just inhale as many as I could before someone realized what I was doing.
Nowadays, I don't buy them (or any of the other Little Debbie type stuff, which is all basically the same) because I'll eat the entire box in a day or two.*

But, to this day, I've never eaten a Twinkie, amongst all the junk food my mom kept in the house, Twinkies were never around. Now, they don't even look appealing.

*Once or twice a year I'll give in and buy a box of Swiss Rolls or Pinwheels or Double Stuff Oreos or Double Stuff E.L. Fudge cookies or something along those lines and say "The hell with real food for the next few days".

Last edited by Joey P; 12-31-2012 at 12:36 AM..
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  #5  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:12 AM
faithfool faithfool is offline
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Oh Og, what you've got to try is their seasonal (only around Christmas time) Cherry Cordials. They are truly the ambrosia of the gods. I swear, it's a good thing they don't produce them during the rest of the year or I'd need a forklift to get around. Yummmmmmy!
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  #6  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:19 AM
gaffa gaffa is offline
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Welcome to the ranks of the damned, Stealth Potato!
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  #7  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:26 AM
Spoons Spoons is offline
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I've never had a Little Debbie Swiss Roll, but I have had the similar treats available here in Canada.

Mmmm ... Jos Louis and Lune Moons (as we English called them), always be available.
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  #8  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:51 AM
Nunzio Tavulari Nunzio Tavulari is offline
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Do not EVER get the temptation to buy the swiss rolls at Aldi because they are cheaper. They do not taste like any known substance and they dissolve upon contact with saliva.
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  #9  
Old 12-31-2012, 07:24 AM
Iggy Iggy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stealth Potato View Post
...a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls ...

I think this is what people mean when they talk about a religious experience. These cakes merit praise in their every substance: deliciously adequate chocolate cake, neither too heavy nor too dry, coupled with fluffy and sweet creamy filling in a tubular roll
As I read this far I was thinking the Little Debbie marketing department would be printing your review on the side of every box.

Quote:
that yields the half-fancied experience of giving a blowjob to the chocolate fairy,
Then I read this.
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  #10  
Old 12-31-2012, 10:56 AM
chappachula chappachula is offline
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the Little Debbie roll is but the beginning of a force in life that will forever continue.

For thou hast not yet tasteth the Hostess Cup Cake.
A thing of sublime beauty that doth shine and openeth the gates of the heavens.
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  #11  
Old 12-31-2012, 11:01 AM
Fluffy PickleSniffer Fluffy PickleSniffer is offline
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Mmmm.... stick a box of those Little Debbie Swiss Rolls in the freezer. Heavenly. I can total a box in a day once frozen. No wonder I need to lose weight.
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  #12  
Old 12-31-2012, 11:04 AM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is offline
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I've eaten plenty of Ding Dongs, Hostess Cupcakes, and Twinkies in my time, but never a Little Debbie Swiss Roll. I liked these snacks when I was a kid, but tapered off when I was a teenager. After Hostess went bankrupt I bought a package of not-Hostess Twinkie analogues. They tasted exactly as I remember the last Twinkies I ate years ago. No need to get any more. (Although it just occurred to me that they might be good dunked in coffee.)

Maybe I'll try a Little Debbie Swiss Roll. But I'm not going to go out of my way to.
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  #13  
Old 12-31-2012, 11:41 AM
John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Eschewing these odious Spawns of Satan was one of the keys to my losing 60+ pounds the last 2 years. The horrible aftertaste they leave in your mouth helps in that regard, however.
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  #14  
Old 12-31-2012, 11:53 AM
Dr. Girlfriend Dr. Girlfriend is offline
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Now you need to move on to the Star Crunches. Chocolate covered caramel rice crispie crack. Mmm...
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  #15  
Old 12-31-2012, 11:54 AM
Nzinga, Seated Nzinga, Seated is offline
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Originally Posted by Pine Fresh Scent View Post
Meth Little Debbie Swiss Rolls: Not even once.
Hahaaaa! That is cracking me up.
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  #16  
Old 12-31-2012, 11:59 AM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is offline
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I don't tend to bring that sort of thing into the house. But when my kids were four and five, I decided that they needed the experience - so brought home over the course of a year both Twinkies and Swiss Rolls (Ding Dongs were my favorite, but were hard to find before hostess went bankrupt). The kids thought they'd died and gone to heaven (and I thought 'these aren't nearly as good as I remember). Once in a while now I bring that stuff in for a treat for the kids, its rare.

I went to a frou frou restaurant once where I had the best ding dong ever. It was real cake with a sweetened marscarpone in the middle covered with chocolate ganache. But it looked, and was very reminiscent of a Ding Dong....as if some CIA trained chef was reliving his childhood.
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  #17  
Old 12-31-2012, 12:12 PM
monstro monstro is online now
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The only Little Debbie that I regularly eat is the oatmeal creme pie.

But as a little kid, they were always what was up for an after school snack. I'd set myself up with one of those babies and a glass of milk and watch He-Man and the Thundercats until it was time to do my homework. Good times, good times.
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  #18  
Old 12-31-2012, 12:30 PM
SerafinaPekala SerafinaPekala is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John DiFool View Post
Eschewing these odious Spawns of Satan was one of the keys to my losing 60+ pounds the last 2 years. The horrible aftertaste they leave in your mouth helps in that regard, however.
These things cause brain tumors, right along with cell phones! :O I succumbed to those Hostess Snoballs (came in a pkg with one pink and one white) when I was a kid and havent been right since.
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  #19  
Old 12-31-2012, 12:55 PM
shiftless shiftless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faithfool View Post
Oh Og, what you've got to try is their seasonal (only around Christmas time) Cherry Cordials. They are truly the ambrosia of the gods. I swear, it's a good thing they don't produce them during the rest of the year or I'd need a forklift to get around. Yummmmmmy!
And here I thought I was an experienced Little Debbie fan. I'm going to be looking for those. The Little Debbie web page tells me the closest store is 44.68 miles. Sigh.

My wife buys the Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes. They are so delicious I can't stop myself once they are in the house. Unfortunately they leave a coating of something in my mouth, I'm hoping it's lard and not some kind of petroleum product, that can only be relieved by another Christmas tree cake.

I haven't seen anyone mention Nutty Bars. I could eat those all day long.
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  #20  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:04 PM
swampbear swampbear is online now
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I can buy a package of Little Debbie's Swiss Rolls, eat 'em and be happy. However, I cannot buy a BOX of Little Debbie's Swiss Rolls because I immediately consider the box to be a single serving. As long as they are in the house I cannot stand it. They sit there in the refrigerator taunting me. They are chocolatey, creamy evil.
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  #21  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:09 PM
shiftless shiftless is offline
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Originally Posted by swampbear View Post
I can buy a package of Little Debbie's Swiss Rolls, eat 'em and be happy. However, I cannot buy a BOX of Little Debbie's Swiss Rolls because I immediately consider the box to be a single serving. As long as they are in the house I cannot stand it. They sit there in the refrigerator taunting me. They are chocolatey, creamy evil.
Wait, what? Little Debbie puts more than one serving in a box? I did wonder why they went to the trouble of wrapping each cake but I've never gone so far as to look at the serving size.
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  #22  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:18 PM
AngelSoft AngelSoft is offline
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Omg Little Debbie snacks are the bane of my existence (and diet). They're SO good and SO cheap it's like God meant for you to buy them and eat the entire box in one setting. I too am in love with the Swiss Rolls but it is the Donut Stix and the Nutty Bars that my heart holds the most passion for. And for those of you who love the oatmeal cookies....have you had the double layer ones they sell in individual packs? If you haven't, go get one. Now. Damn you all. I'm going to the store later and I'm going to HAVE to buy a box of some Little Debbie treat. I hope you're happy!

But.....as we speak of Hostess as well...I won't be terribly saddened if they never come back except for one thing. The orange cupcakes. I've never tasted something so wonderous in my life and the thought of never having another one again makes my soul sad.
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  #23  
Old 12-31-2012, 01:48 PM
simster simster is online now
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These are in fact the bane of my existence.

The BIG BOX is even worse - twice the size!
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  #24  
Old 12-31-2012, 04:41 PM
Stealth Potato Stealth Potato is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iggy View Post
As I read this far I was thinking the Little Debbie marketing department would be printing your review on the side of every box.


Then I read this.
But it's true! And I still think they should put that on every box: "Like giving a blowjob to the chocolate fairy!" I suppose if that sounds too crass they could use the word "chocofellatio" instead.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Fluffy PickleSniffer View Post
Mmmm.... stick a box of those Little Debbie Swiss Rolls in the freezer. Heavenly. I can total a box in a day once frozen. No wonder I need to lose weight.
There was but one tiny packaged pair remaining, but as soon as I read this I tossed it in the freezer. Awaiting results now.
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  #25  
Old 12-31-2012, 04:52 PM
panache45 panache45 is offline
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I've never been addicted to anything Little Debbie. But my childhood was filled with many a Banana Flip. Yes. I was a chubby teenager.
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  #26  
Old 12-31-2012, 04:55 PM
swampbear swampbear is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shiftless View Post
Wait, what? Little Debbie puts more than one serving in a box? I did wonder why they went to the trouble of wrapping each cake but I've never gone so far as to look at the serving size.
I like you!
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  #27  
Old 12-31-2012, 06:29 PM
John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Originally Posted by shiftless View Post
Wait, what? Little Debbie puts more than one serving in a box? I did wonder why they went to the trouble of wrapping each cake but I've never gone so far as to look at the serving size.
I feel a cold breeze on the back of my neck.
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  #28  
Old 12-31-2012, 06:58 PM
MissSwitac MissSwitac is offline
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Just sent my roommate out to the store for a couple boxes. Gotta inhale a few before the New Year's "dieting" starts. Made room in the freezer for some too. Damn you all.
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  #29  
Old 12-31-2012, 07:02 PM
AngelSoft AngelSoft is offline
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I was able to avoid temptation today at the store. Despite it all, I didn't buy any Little Debbie treats.....however I did buy a quart of Cookie Dough ice cream and chocolate shell topping....
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  #30  
Old 12-31-2012, 08:58 PM
pabstist pabstist is offline
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Little Debbie swiss rolls with CHOCOLATE filling are sooo good, but sadly sooo hard to find. Better than sex, seriously.
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  #31  
Old 12-31-2012, 10:02 PM
pudytat72 pudytat72 is offline
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I wrote on the front of the Swiss Rolls box- "Yes, you can. But should you?" (eat the entire box in one day)

12 cake box= 1620 calories, 72 grams of fat, 12 grams of protein, 468 grams of carbohydrates. I calculated these values in an attempt to convince myself that eating the entire box in one day is not a good idea. Has not worked very well.

Same weakness with Twinkies. (generic "Twinkies" not the same)

Best defense-don't go down that aisle in the store.
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  #32  
Old 01-01-2013, 02:17 PM
Sahirrnee Sahirrnee is online now
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Be glad you don't live in the land of the TastyKake.
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  #33  
Old 01-01-2013, 08:07 PM
SCAdian SCAdian is online now
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Little Debbie's Pumpkin Delights....
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  #34  
Old 01-02-2013, 09:29 AM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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I tried them once.

Little Debbie is just plain awful in all its incarnations and its popularity is a clear sign of the decadence of American society.
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Last edited by RealityChuck; 01-02-2013 at 09:29 AM..
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  #35  
Old 01-02-2013, 09:51 AM
Hypno-Toad Hypno-Toad is online now
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I remember when Ho-Hos were wrapped in foil instead of a little bag. I love those and swiss cake rolls. I'm just glad that the grocery store I go to only sells them in a big box because I can resist that better than a two-pack.
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  #36  
Old 01-02-2013, 10:03 AM
wolfstu wolfstu is offline
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I don't think I've ever eaten one of those Swiss Cake Rolls, but I understand they're hazardous: "Ow! Those things are BAD for you!"
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  #37  
Old 01-02-2013, 12:50 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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For fuck's sake, man, avoid the Zebra cakes. The Betty Ford clinic is already full.
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  #38  
Old 01-02-2013, 02:24 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is online now
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The prison I work at has lots of Little Debbie products available in the canteen, including swiss rolls, honey buns, oatmeal cream pies, german chocolate rings, donut sticks, cosmic brownies, fudge rounds, star crunch, chocolate chip cream pies, and nutty bars.

I've had patients gain 100 lbs in their first 8 months of incarceration.

Comfort food can be dangerous if you need a lot of comforting...

I loves me some swiss rolls too but not in months and months

Last edited by Qadgop the Mercotan; 01-02-2013 at 02:24 PM..
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  #39  
Old 01-02-2013, 02:32 PM
Kimballkid Kimballkid is offline
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The local store has them on sale at 2/$3 plus they count for the fuel saver card. Might have to pick some up. I noticed they also have the Cherry Cordials, but not the chocolate filled Swiss Rolls.
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  #40  
Old 01-02-2013, 02:53 PM
Ellen Cherry Ellen Cherry is offline
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Five out of six epicures agree, Little Debbie snack cakes are fit only for Cafe Society.
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  #41  
Old 01-02-2013, 03:00 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
The prison I work at has lots of Little Debbie products available in the canteen, including swiss rolls, honey buns, oatmeal cream pies, german chocolate rings, donut sticks, cosmic brownies, fudge rounds, star crunch, chocolate chip cream pies, and nutty bars.
Tell me the down-side of prison again?

Quote:
I've had patients gain 100 lbs in their first 8 months of incarceration.
Oh yeah, that.

Very clever of the prison system. Fatten up the inmates so that they can't escape by slipping between the bars.
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  #42  
Old 01-02-2013, 03:02 PM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stealth Potato View Post
Well, to be more accurate, five or six of them.

For whatever reason, my life has been light on mass-manufactured snack cakes. I seldom buy anything that needs all four digits of the year in its best-by date. I have only the vaguest idea what Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs are, unless they are absurd sexual euphemisms. I have never eaten a Twinkie, and, now, perhaps never will. It was this realization of disaster, together with the whispered recommendation of friends and acquaintances, that caused me to pick up a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls by way of an impulse purchase at the grocery store tonight. They seemed ill at ease between several packages of tofu dogs and a bag of avocados. If it is possible for box of snack cakes to look guilty, this one did so.

Then I got them home and opened the box. There followed an indistinct time in which something occurred after the fashion of a moral hiatus. When I was putting my pants back on I saw that the box was half-empty.

Where have these things been all my life??

I think this is what people mean when they talk about a religious experience. These cakes merit praise in their every substance: deliciously adequate chocolate cake, neither too heavy nor too dry, coupled with fluffy and sweet creamy filling in a tubular roll that yields the half-fancied experience of giving a blowjob to the chocolate fairy, but all enrobed in a tidy chocolate coating that makes it possible to eat without looking as though that's exactly what you've done.

Half the box still remains, but I don't think it will survive the night.


[I'm not sure if this belongs more in Cafe Society or here, but I figure the mundane pointlessosity is sufficiently high. ]
It BELONGS in a Hall of Fame for Classic OPs somewhere.
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  #43  
Old 01-02-2013, 03:02 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellen Cherry View Post
Five out of six epicures agree, Little Debbie snack cakes are fit only for Cafe Society.
What's the epicurian's choice?
The snack over which all maws rejoice?
On what do all the gluttons fawn?
What fills them up? What turns them on?
At Debbie's name all gourmets stand
And take their stomach pumps in hand....


thanks to Tom K. Ryan for that
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  #44  
Old 01-02-2013, 03:11 PM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is offline
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Really? The same Tom K. Ryan who drew Tumbleweeds?
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  #45  
Old 01-02-2013, 03:15 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is online now
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Really? The same Tom K. Ryan who drew Tumbleweeds?
Yep.

It was originally an ode by Greasy the cook, extolling his own virtues. The last line was added by one of his customers.
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  #46  
Old 01-02-2013, 06:12 PM
Chronos Chronos is offline
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When I was in school, my mom would always pack some sort of sweet bakery item in my lunch. The Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls were always my favorite.
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  #47  
Old 01-02-2013, 07:05 PM
gaffa gaffa is offline
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Very clever of the prison system. Fatten up the inmates so that they can't escape by slipping between the bars.
Yeah, we have a problem with that in Chicago.
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  #48  
Old 01-03-2013, 12:34 PM
cjepson cjepson is offline
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My first Drake's Yodel (back when I was about 12) was an experience similar to what the OP describes. I've got to say that I always felt that Little Debbie's was Drake's and Hostess' poor relation... an OK substitute in a pinch. Now, alas, they're about the best we've got (around here anyway).

Last edited by cjepson; 01-03-2013 at 12:35 PM..
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  #49  
Old 01-03-2013, 01:40 PM
James Otto Sweet Heart James Otto Sweet Heart is offline
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I have always loved Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Roll, but lately I have not been getting them as much as I used to because of how expensive they are getting. Back in the day they used to be a whole lot cheaper. I can remember when the box would say just $1.09. Now it currently says $1.79.

God bless you always!!!

Holly

P.S. To me, them Swiss Cake Rolls have the better cream filling compared to the creme filling that was in the Hostess products.

Last edited by James Otto Sweet Heart; 01-03-2013 at 01:40 PM..
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  #50  
Old 01-03-2013, 06:44 PM
Hottius Maximus Hottius Maximus is offline
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I'm glad you finally got to enjoy those things; they are tasty. However may I suggest that you also try the Little Debbie Boston Creme Rolls? I think you'll find them to your liking.
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