It’s so hard and uncomfortable. For starters I get butterflies in my stomach like every single time. My biggest problem is that I can’t hold conversations with girls because I never know what to fucking say. Naturally, I am a little shy and introverted and my mind just goes blank trying to think of what to say that doesn’t sound stupid. And even then, I still “derp” and say awkwardly-formed sentences whenever I am talking to a girl that I like.
That’s one reason I can’t hold conversations - I run out of things to talk about really quickly. The other reason is the butterflies making speaking so hard as if I have to force words out like it’s hard work.
They say it’s normal, but still! How do I cope with this? How do I get through and still be able to have an at least okay conversation?
With girls I like, it always ends up like this - I never have one long conversation. It’s always, “Hey ____,” or maybe we will talk about like one thing and the conversation doesn’t last longer than 20-30 seconds and then we part. So it gets to the point where my only interaction with my crush is “hi” and extremely small conversations.
And I should note, I am only 16, for those of you who don’t know. Like I said, I know it’s normal, but there’s got to be a way to deal with it. I have had this problem for years.
More listening, more questions. The key to having a good conversation is finding things the other person is interested in that you would like to know about. At 16, I know for a fact that I was in your exact same boat (going to an all-male high school didn’t help).
The hard part is figuring out if the other person is interested as well. At your age, odds are good that she’s in a similar position as you (a little socially awkward), so that’s a tough read. Just being aware of all of that is a big step towards bridging the gap. Self-awareness goes a long, long way, and will be the key to being socially confident.
Actually, I’d say I was like that until my divorce (I was 31.)
Once I got back on the scene after that, my attitude had changed. I wasn’t trying to hook up, or get into a relationship, or get married, or anything. With no ‘goal,’ you don’t have to wear a mask or try to be attractive or interesting. You just end up being your natural self–honest to a fault, without fear or regard for others’ reactions.
Essentially, it’s confidence.
Since then, I have not been rejected by a single female. I’m not much to look at, but even with beauty queen types I’ve not struck out.
Attitude, confidence, honesty, humor, and no games. That’s the ticket. Talk to this girl just because you like talking to her, and not because you “like” her romantically. If she’s interested, she’ll “like” you back and you can go from there.
This. Don’t talk to this girl with the intent of asking her out. If you tell yourself, “I’m just going to talk to her to talk to her” You’ll feel a tremendous weight lifted off your shoulders, thus making you less nervous.
The reason why you get “butterflies” is because you keep imagining that horrible moment when you finally DO ask her out and she laughs in your face for thinking you even had a shot with her.
So just take that bit off the table right now. Just get some dialog going with out the pressure of asking her out. Over time, if you manage to get a fluid dialog going, and there is a mutual attraction, the asking out part will come easy.
Try talking to girls other than just the ones you are interested in - it’s good practice - and you won’t come off as being so obvious (I am going out on a limb here and guessing your probably focus your attention more on your crushes).
Maybe read up more on conversation skills in general.
Family
Interests
Goals/College ambitions (later on)
Don’t try complimenting on appearance directly, but do notice what she wears and any changes. A simple “hey I like those shoes, are they new?”
Lots of girls make their own jewelry and stuff - learn what this looks like and if you like her earring or bracelet - tell her. Obviously don’t go overboard, but a quick - “that’s a cool looking pendant - what kind is it?” can get her talking.
Try not to be obvious that you are interested in her. If you make a couple overtures - if she is interested - she will probably try something back.
Make some sort of goal of asking one question a day - and then increase it
Talk to lots of girls. Ask questions. Pay attention to the answers. You guys go to the same school, so you automatically have something in common. Work on becoming comfortable with small talk. A common teacher, or homework assignment gives you another direction for conversation. The goal is just to get comfortable, not to get laid.
Well it has been happening to me ever since I started finding the opposite sex attractive, which is a little over three years ago. They keep saying the same thing. “It will get better as you get older.” The question is, how much older? And why does it happen to people my age?
And another thing, they keep saying that I am not alone. But then why does it seem like almost everyone else at my age is confident and people like me are a minority?
Like on the internet, there are so many people like me, but in real life, very few are.
The science answer basically boils down to this: you’re basically brain damaged.
That’s not a joke; the prefrontal cortex of your brain (which affects all kinds of things, like judgement, risk assessment, etc.) hasn’t fully developed yet, and won’t, until about your mid-20’s.
Plus, you’re going through the most difficult emotional time you ever have, with floods of emotions and hormones coursing through your system.
Added to that, talking to girls on this level is still new. It takes about 10,000 hours to become an expert at something–and that’d include being social.
When you’re a teenager (and, to some degree, when you’re depressed, too) you feel alone and like nobody understands you. It’s why teens sometimes yell at their parents “you don’t understand what it’s like!” I’m not a parent, but I do teach, so I’m surrounded by teenagers all the time. You’re a beginner at being a grownup, just like at one point Tiger Woods was a beginner at golf.
Like I said earlier…for me it took a major, devastating, life-changing event (divorce) for me to 'figure it out," so to speak, but my best friend had learned that lesson by the time we were about 17. And that’s why he was as successful with the ladies as he was. I tried to be the “nice guy,” which, even though I AM a nice guy, the fakeness of it was a turnoff to women. My boy, on the other hand, was fine with being himself–which included being an abrasive ass some/a lot of the time. The fact that he didn’t give a shit about your reaction to it only made him more appealing.
Because you’re inexperienced and insecure, your brain isn’t fully developed, and your hormones are going bananas. All of which is common when you’re 16 but gets better with time. Don’t try to be impressive or interesting or start the conversation with a goal in mind just because you’re talking to a girl. Try to be confident that you’re worth talking to and that your subject is interesting, and be interested in what she has to say. She’ll probably be at least reasonably polite with you, and if she’s rude, then you’re dealing with someone who isn’t worth your time.
Confidence. You’ve got to get some, desperately. From what you’ve revealed in your height thread about your self consciousness of your stature, ethnicity, race, etc. it doesn’t sound like you’re very comfortable in your skin. You’ve got to get all of that taken care of and like yourself before you go about trying to convince someone else to like you.
Do some girls like taller guys? Sure. Are some girls initially turned off by people of a different race? Maybe. But not you. You’re not a stereotype. You’re different, you’re an individual and you’re a fucking rock star. You’re different than all of the other 5’3 Indian sophomores in the world because… [fill in the blanks].
Once you’ve gotten all the insecurities out of the way, you’ll see that the advice in here will be much more useful. Even if you did parrot whatever lines people here have given about jewelry or whatever, it’ll come out weirdly, disingenuously, and be utterly ineffective.
When I read your last post Blake, you said to talk to her with no intentions of going forward, but to talk to her just for the sake of it. But won’t that get me friendzoned? If I show no interest in her?
Sorry, a lot of posts came in before I posted this.
It was hard for me through high school, college, and my twenties. The people who tell you not to think about dating, just talking, are probably spot on. I never completely figured it out myself; I was lucky to meet a woman who initiated things, although it did take many years for that to happen. In high school I probably should have told myself, “for the next few months I’m going to try and talk with girls, but I’m not going to ask any of them out.” That might have prevented the fear of rejection I carried until I was 30.
My friend, if you’re going to get friendzoned, it’s going to happen regardless.
She’ll either be into you like that, or she won’t. But in order for her to BE into you, you have to a) be into yourself…like yourself, be comfortable and confident in your own skin and b) not be desperately fawning over her.
If you fake it and she gets interested, eventually the REAL you WILL come out, and she’ll realize she was attracted to a fake persona. Then, you’ll get into the FZ or, worse, the never-talk-again zone.
If you’re real and she gets interested, you’ve got a shot. But there’s also the chance that you’ll be real and she’s uninterested. It happens, man. Rejection stings. But, as with everything else, the more you’re rejected, the better callouses you develop to it. The 100th time is wayyyyyy easier than the 1st.
If you’re gonna get friendzoned, you’re gonna get friendzoned. There’s no way around that. If a girl digs you, she’s not going to put you in that zone.
The idea of talking to her for the sake of it is to see if you two have any chemistry. If the chemistry is there, you won’t get friendzoned. The idea of “If only I had played my cards differently, I wouldn’t have been friendzoned.” is a fallacy. There are some exceptions but I don’t think it’s worth going into here.
BlakeTyner That was an awesome answer and so true. AU, listen to him and to the others who say that you are still not formed. You will be a much different person next year, so stop stressing about now. (BTW, time moves much faster when one is older than 16. At 16, time just flipping drags.)
As to the friendzoned question. Yeah, probably, but its really best to become friends with a lot of girls and then pick the one you want to kiss. Hey, you might be happily surprised when one of your friends kisses you!
Sorry for the double post, but couldn’t edit in the time allowed. Here’s a "back in the day "story…back when I was in the military, I knew someone who would just walk up to an attractive woman and ask her to go back to her place and have mad monkey sex. He got drinks tossed in his face a lot. But once in a while, it worked.
I wasn’t shocked because he did it, I was shocked because he was in his late 40’s and still didn’t have any clue. But…once in a while…it worked.
