It’s possible she was using a super-strong one like the Hitachi Magic Wand, and became accustomed to it, which would make it more difficult to have an orgasm in another way. I would advise someone who has never used a vibrator to start with something very gentle that runs on not very powerful batteries, not head straight for a “rubber-headed jackhammer” (as I have seen it described) such as the Hitachi. (I’ve never used one; I hear tell that it is loud, and I don’t like loud vibrators.)
My favorite sex columnist, Andrea Nemerson, has written a lot on the subject of vibrators since she gets many questions about them. I would say, judging on what I know and what I have read, your friend’s case is pretty extreme, but I could see it happening to some women. I also agree that it would be pretty bad if stimulation by vibrator became the only way one could come. I wouldn’t care for that too much.
I have used vibrators (and other toys) with my partners. I have NO issue with that at all. Indeed it was fun and I would encourage everyone to go there (just toys in general…whatever works for the both of you).
I also have no issue with a partner masturbating with one when I am not around. In fact I encourage it if it comes up (lots of reasons perhaps best suited for another thread).
What I was on about was the possibility that some women, via use of a vibrator, would no longer be able to achieve orgasm without the vibrator.
Certainly many women use them and have healthy sex lives with their partners. However, some women may come to rely on the vibrator as their sole outlet for sexual gratification and that I think is a bad thing and what I think the OP was on about.
I think the vibrator, more than most sex toys, has a greater ability to skew what can get a woman off.
To be clear though I have no problem with women (or men I suppose but let’s not go there for this discussion) using them.
Let’s turn this around. What if a woman was never able to orgasm sans the vibrator. She gets into a relationship. She likes sex, but she still can’t orgasm without it.
Does this relationship lack intimacy?
See, I don’t think you really understand what some women have to go through to achieve orgasm. And if you think all women can orgasm from penetration or manual stimulation alone then you are I’m afraid very wrong.
There are a lot of issues behind orgasms. Those women who can’t orgasm without a vibrator generally have a lot of mental stuff behind them, and it’s not easy nor always feasible to wash all of that mental stuff out.
IANADoctor but my sense is that a vibrator can “skew” a woman’s ability to have an orgasm merely by overstimulation. A guy simply cannot provide the level of stimulation she has become accustomed to in order to orgasm.
Of course there is indeed more to it than simply stimulating the right spot and a woman (or man to be fair although generally easier for males) can have all sorts of issues that impact on this.
If a woman finds she can only orgasm via a vibrator but it is not an overstimulation issues then I’d say either she has some hangups or her partner is failing in some way. Both of which are an entirely different discussion.
Or it could be as simple as physiology and mechanics. Intercourse is not the easiest means of hitting the right spot, and for some of us, it’s next to impossible. I don’t see it as the product of “mental stuff” at all.
Honestly I’d hold the damn thing for him if I had to. Why is that a problem? As long as he didn’t feel like he had to hide it, who cares? I don’t see why it lacks intimacy!
Agreed, of course. I was basing my words on the women I know which have orgasm difficulties. There are 1001 different reasons.
But it’s not. Your opinion basically comes down to “women should not use vibrators because their partner’s ego might be hurt”. It’s not that women don’t care about their ego, but it should be realized it has nothing to do with their ego. It’s not because they’re a failure or because the woman is a failure. It’s just life. Some women are lucky enough to have an easy time orgasming. Some are not. Why should a certain subset of women get penalized (pun definitely intended) because some women come off like rockets?
OK, how about this. Let’s say your SO (yes, yours Whack-a-Mole) has slightly better orgasms while using the vibrator verses straight up sex. How would you handle that? Would you find it offensive? Refuse to let her use one (or you use it on her) every time you had sex?
She can have an orgasm either way but the vibrator enhances it every time…
Your answer to my #27 post I want to call disingenuous.
As I stated before playing with toys with your partner is great. I am NOT saying do not use vibrators or dildoes or butt plugs or whatever turns you on. Play together and have a ball.
But to say you’d be ok with never being able to satisfy your partner such that he NEEDS to use a pump to get off? C’mon…male egos are probably more prickly than women’s but women have them too. You may well be an exception but the women I have known would say this is ok at first and then be decidedly bugged by it eventually.
As to the post I quoted here:
I think you are missing the point. Certainly some women are hyper orgasmic and others are totally frigid. Most fall somewhere between (I would guess a bell curve).
I cannot say this enough it seems. I am ALL FOR VIBRATORS! Use them. Love them. Just do not let them become your sole outlet to an orgasm. Many, probably most, women use them and have healthy sex lives as well. But there will be some at the fringe for whom it whacks them into an unhealthy place.
The problem in the discussion is that an orgasm is a mix of physical stimulation and mental stimulation (I think more of the former for men and more of the latter for women). There is no clear demarcation between the two. We are talking in generalities here and I do not mean to paint too broadly here.
I don’t think this question is a fair analogy, based on the wording “he rolls over…and satisfies himself.” If one partner doesn’t orgasm from penetration without any additional stimulus, *barring any other issues * this is not a relationship problem, just a physical fact. The relationship problem arises only if the guy (or girl, as in the original premise) sees the orgasm part as a “disengage with partner for some me time” thing, rather than an “enhance the mutual happy fun time with a good orgasm” thing. Then, yeah, you’re not in an intimacy-enhancing situation. As DianaG rightly points out, the vibe is neutral, it didn’t create the problem.
(After preview, man I’ve been typing slowly) I seriously doubt Anaamika is being disingenuous. If my partner couldn’t physically get off from penetration alone, I’d be damn happy to help him out with whatever toys he needed. Ego doesn’t come (heh) into it, since I’m there helping him achieve orgasm!
This is probably TMI, but all this talk has me worried about my SO’s ego now. We are waiting for marriage to have sex, and I cannot seem to have an orgasm from oral or other stimulus. I have told her it is my Baptist upbringing and probably an intimacy issue, but it isn’t her because it has happened in the past with all my experiences at oral sex (me relieving that is). Should I not invest in a toy (fleshlight or something similar) because of possibly hurting her feelings? I don’t just go at it my self in front of her (this has caused some tension and arguments) because I think the intimacy thing keeps me from letting loose there too.
What do you mean, let them become your sole outlet? I am asking you what happens if you have no choice at all. If a woman can NOT get off at all without a vibrator? What then?
I am NOT being disingenuous with my response. I didn’t answer it right away because I wanted to think about it. But…he’s my other half, he’s the one I chose. If all the fates forbid he got into an accident tomorrow and something happened where he could never have sex the so-called normal way again you think I would hesitate for an instant to buy him whatever he needed to get off? To do whatever* he needed? I am a firm believer in good, giving, game and I love him dearly. Of course it would take some adjustment time, for both of us. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try though.
I also object to your terms of “roll over and satisfy himself.” I have two questions for you now.
Do you think that all women who are tied to vibrators are joyful about this? Do you think they never think “Oh dear god, I wish I could come from intercourse. Why am I abnormal? Why do I have these problems? Am I frigid? Is something wrong with me?”
Do you think that all women who are tied to vibrators think of them as a substitute to men? IME most women are grateful there is something and like to have their partners involved even in this activity. They don’t “roll over and satisfy themselves”, they ask him to help.
*Er…with the usual qualifications of course. No poop, no animals, no children.
The only good answer here is discuss this with your SO. It can be difficult but ultimately I think you’d both be better for it.
As for oral sex don’t feel alone. It almost never does it for me either. Sometimes because the woman doing it is terrible at it (sad but happens) but mostly because I have some hangup. I’ve tried to figure it out and the best I can come up with is early relationships where the woman was spastic that I not…you know…in her mouth. In my early days controlling that was difficult and it has messed me up since. Don’t get me wrong…I still enjoy it but it never brings me to climax…just foreplay for me.
It might be an unconscious control issue. Some people don’t want to be “seen” coming because to them, it is losing control. Have you ever seen a therapist about it, and does it bother you, or you and her, a lot?
I would never suggest getting a toy because it is the answer to everything, because toys aren’t, but it might help you. Have you talked to her about toys and such?
I’m all about talking about whatever it is as much as possible and working it out that way (and physically without toys) if you can, but sometimes you do need a bit of extra help.
If I come off as pushy or nosy, I apologize. I don’t mean to be that way at all.
I find your argument bizarre. Maybe I am just weird this way, but my take on sex is and has always been, as long as nobody is getting hurt, do whatever works.
Why the hell should a woman who has trouble achieving orgasm reject a tool that might give her one, just because she or her partner thinks she should be able to have an orgasm through gentle more natural means? Why should any woman deny herself something she enjoys? If her partner cares about her, he will want her to get off, right? It doesn’t mean she’s not enjoying being with him, because she IS with him, and not just masterbating alone and telling him ‘not tonight, dear.’
I keep running across this idea that women feel somehow deficient because they don’t have orgasm from just vaginal penetration, without clitoral stimulation. I’ve even read of some gay men who think there is something wrong with them because they can’t come with just anal penetration and nothing else.
I say to hell with that. Do what works for you, and do what works for your partner. If you need the vibe or even want it, go for it. If he wants a blowjob or his toes sucked, go for that too. Stop worrying about it if you need to fantasize about nuns, models or Nazi stormtroopers, even. Do what you need to do and let your partner do what they need to do, as much as you possibly can.
Is it weird that I can enjoy sex without necessarily having an orgasm? My vibrator gives me the best orgasms, but that doesn’t mean I’d use it to replace having sex with a human being. (I do agree, though, that getting off with a strong vibrator can make it difficult to orgasm without it. But whatever works, I say.)
I used to sleep with a guy who rarely came without him masturbating at the end. It was probably psychological (we had a weird relationship) - but we still had great sex. Amazing sex. Obviously he liked it, since he was always back for more, despite his difficulties in coming. I didn’t begrudge him the use of his hand to finish off. Less work for me.
