Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
It was written by Spike Milligan
No…the world’s funniest joke goes:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!..
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Shouldn’t the world’s funniest joke make me laugh? I’m confused.
You should know to put that in a spoiler box, just in case any German speakers are reading along.
Basil: Me? You started it!
German: We did not start it.
Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland…
Warning somewhat strong Language*****************
No, the world’s funniest joke goes like this:
A woman was complaining to her friend about her two boys: “I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried gounding them, taking away TV and video games, allowance, no matter what I can’t seem to get them to stop using profanity.”
Her friend look at her in all seriousness, “Have you tried slapping them?”
“I couldn’t do that the woman replied. I just can’t do that.”
“Take my word for it,” her friend counseled, “next time one of them swears at you slap them as hard as you can and they’ll think twice before swearing again.”
The woman went home and slept on the idea resolving the next morning to try it. After all she knew she had tried everything else.
So, while she was in the kitchen getting ready for breakfast, the two tweens came in and she asked them, “So, what’ll you boys have for breakfast?”
The older boy spoke up first, “I think I’ll have some of those god damned Corn Flakes.”
Without thinking about it the mother turns around and slaps him across the face so hard he hits the floor. She’s so stunned by this she stares in silence, she can’t believe what she’s done. "She finally manages to stammer out to the second boy, “W-Well, what are you going to have for breakfast?”
The second boy blinked at his older brother laying on the floor and the stricken look on his mothers face. He thought for a minuted and then said,
“I don’t know but you can bet your sweet ass it isn’t any of the god damned Corn Flakes.”
I’m so glad that its earliest known source was one of my heros.
Birdmonster, I agree that the joke as written isn’t funny.
However, this afternoon I was listening to the radio, and even though it’s (at least) 55 years old, and I knew the joke already, and the talkshow I was listening to was banging on about the damn thing for 10 minutes, when they eventually played the lost clip, I did indeed giggle, despite myself. It’s in the timing as well.
Of course my ver favorite joke goes like this:
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. . .
Wait for it. . .
. . .The lightbulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.
I love that joke!
How do you keep a werewolf from going berserk on Halloween night?
Shoot him in September
George Carlin’s joke made me laugh recently…though a guilty laugh filled with shame.
When a guy fucks a sheep, whey does he do it right near the edge of a cliff?
So the sheep pushes back.
[Mahaloth hangs head in shame]
yea ddgryphon’s joke is the best.
the cornflake one :smack:
I don’t recall where I read this joke, but it is the funniest among the jokes I know…
So here it goes (paraphrased from memory)…
A man who was feeling depressed after his wife left him sits down at a bar and orders a drink. He notices a woman sitting alone at the other end of the bar and decides to go talk to her after having a couple drinks.
“So what brings you here?” he asks.
“Oh,” she sighs, “my husband left me because he thought i was too kinky. So, I am just here trying to ease the pain,” she replies.
“That’s interesting. My wife just left me, and I very much suspect that she thought I was too kinky.”
They both subtly laughed and enjoyed a few drinks together. Then the woman suggests:
“How 'bout we go back to my place and see what happens.”
“Sure,” he said.
They go to her place, and upon entering the front door, she says:
“Hang up your coat and have a seat in here while I go put on something a little more…comfortable.”
So she goes back to her bedroom and takes off all her clothes. She then puts on a black leather bra with holes exposing her nipples, slides on a pair of black leather panties, and grabs a black leather whip and some handcuffs. As she walks back out to the living room she notices the man putting his coat back on and opening the front door to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asks. “I thought we were gonna get kinky!”
“Look Lady…I fucked your dog…I shit in your purse…I’m outta here!”
Dammit, I new as soon as I posted a winner the real winner would come right after-ArchitectChore is the new winner. :smack: :smack: :smack:
My personal favorite:
What do a duck and a plum have in common?
They’re both purple. Except for the duck.
A salesman is out of town on business. He looks into the hotel bar and it seems to be crowded, so he goes in hoping that he’d hook up with a woman. However, he’s a bit shy around women and doesn’t quite know how to start.
He sees that there’s another guy a few seats away with a drink, just sitting there. A young woman passes by, and the stranger asked softly “May I tickle your ass with a feather?”
The woman looked at him and said frostily “I beg your pardon…”
The stranger looked up and said "I said ‘Particulary nice weather’ "
“Oh” said the woman in a puzzled tone, and walked away.
The salesman ordered another drink and decided to see how this played out.
Several drinks later, the stranger asked “May I tickle your ass with a feather?” to a young woman. She smiled at him and told him her room number.
The salesman decided to try it out himself. After one more drink for courage, he blearily turned to the woman next to him and asked “Shove a feather up your ass?”
She looked at him with disgust and asked “What did you say?”
“Nice fuckin’ day!”
My favorite clean joke is one that I first read here on the SDMB…
What did the Buddhist Monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Then, the monk hands over a $20 bill and asks for change, but the vendors replies, “Change comes from within.”
Back in the 1930s, in the Great Worker’s Paradise of Moscow, Rudolf the devout Soviet Party Member was walking along with his true love Olga when precipitation began falling from the sky.
“Oh look, beloved, it’s raining.” commented Rudolf the communist.
“No, that’s snow.” opined Olga the good woman.
“Snow? That’s rain, darling.” insisted Rudolf the Stalinist.
“No, no, no! That’s snow.” declared Olga the voluptuous.
“It’s rain, I tell you, rain, sweetie.” avowed Rudolf the proletariat.
“You don’t know the difference between snow & rain.” exclaimed Olga the Siberian.
At which point, Olga’s comrade furiously declared "Of snow, I may not know much, but…
…Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"
A man’s sitting in a bar on Superbowl day. It not having a TV screen, it’s pretty empty, since everyone’s out watching the game. The guy catches the bartender’s eye, and asks for a pitcher of water.
“Sure. I’ll just fetch you one” says the bartender, disappearing through a door in the back. The man is left sitting alone at the bar.
Suddenly, he hears a small voice. “That’s a nice suit, sir!”.
The man looks around; nope, no-one’s entered the bar. The place is deserted. He must have imagined it.
But then again he hears the voice. “I love your haircut!”
He looks around again. Still no-one there. He gets up, and looks around for a hidden TV or radio, but he can’t see any; besides, they’d be covering the Bowl. The man is starting to get unnerved now. He decides to sit down and wait to see if he hears it again.
“I really really like you!”
The man jumps up. He knows he’s heard something this time, but there’s still no-one in the bar! Now he’s getting very worried. He’s just about to leave when the bartender returns with his water.
“Uh, excuse me, this may sound odd, but…I keep hearing this voice saying nice things about me…”
“Ahhhhhh, yes. Don’t worry about that”, says the bartender, gesturing to a small bowl on the bar. "It’s just the peanuts…
…they’re complimentary".
Once upon a time Farmer Brown decided he wanted to raise hogs.
So he buys some breeding stock and installs them in a nice, new pig pen. But all they want to do is lay around, so their numbers aren’t increasing.
Farmer Brown goes to a vet and asks about why his hogs aren’t getting it on. The vet says that if they continue to just lay around in the pigpen that Farmer Brown may have to consider artificial insemination.
Brown doesn’t want to admit he doesn’t know what artificial insemination is, so he thanks the vet and leaves.
Later on, thinking it over, he comes to the conclusion that it means HE has to “take care of business” with the pigs. So he loads them up in the truck, drives to a secluded spot in the woods, and “does his duty.”
Still nothing. All the hogs want to do is lay around in the pig pen. Farmer Brown figures maybe once is not enough so he repeats the process.
Still nothing.
Later that week Farmer Brown is in the kitchen, and his wife arrives home from grocery shopping. He asks her “Honey, are the hogs outside still just laying around in the pig pen?”
“Can’t you hear?” she replies. “I don’t understand it, but they’re all in your truck, honking the horn!”