“Trix are now puffs!”
I saw it happen. I don’t why this pisses me off so much, but it does. I was watching Drake and Josh on Nickelodeon with my kids and during the commercial break the Silly Rabbit ran into a NASA complex, and attempted to hide in a cyclotron which got turned on. The centrifugal force acted upon the cool fruit shapes of Trix cereal, turning them into puffs. No more lemons, watermelons, cherries and other artfully crafted bits of sugar, now we have plain old generic styrofoam puffs. This is announced as if it was a good thing, a happy happenstance of fate.
That’s the official story. The rabbit went into a centrifuge with the entire world’s supply of Trix cereal and turned them into puffs.
My kids beleive it.
I’m forty and I’ve been around the block and know better. It’s all about money.
Puffs are cheap. Artful shapes are expensive.
Back in the day we used to give a shit about our cereals, try to put a little magic into it for the kiddies.
Now it’s all “Trix are now puffs. Deal with it.”
The only thing that makes sense out of this is that they’re blaming it on the Silly Rabbit. You always had the feeling that things were out of control and not quite safe when the Silly Rabbit was around. He doesn’t keep standards very high, and if he’s the kind of rabbit that would break into a NASA facility and carry a kids breakfrast cereal into a centrifuge well I wouldn’t be surprised to find that maybe he spilled the Trix onto a lab table, shattered some equiptment and stuffed them all back into the box.
“Trix are now puffs! And now they contain shards of broken glass, chemicals and heavy metals.”
It’s why I never ate Trix. I knew something like this was going to happen with the slipshod way things were run.
I ate Lucky Charms. The Leprechaun was Magic. He cared about security. He protected his cereal. He was born to it with eldritch powers. That’s what I wanted; eldritch powers. Lucky Charms all the way.
I ate Lucky Charms to gain supernatural powers. Trix were like crack if the rabbit is any example, his hopped up junkie self willing to risk or do anything for one more fix of Trix.
No. You eat Trix if you want to grow up and be a crackwhore. Even the name “Trix,” tells you where it’s all going to lead.
Lucky the Leprechaun has a right to his Lucky Charms. They are his. The kids are trying to steal the Lucky Charms from Lucky. Let’s be clear on this because this is an important point. Lucky is in the right. He has the law on his side. More importantly, he is morally correct in protecting his Lucky Charms.
The Trix Silly Rabbit is just some maruding incompetant trying to steal cereal.
Lucky has gravitas.
So, I felt privileged that my parents could afford to by me legally obtained and authorized genuine Lucky Charms from Lucky the Leprechaun, and enjoy them with the peace of mind that you get when you buy the CD rather than pirate it.
Things have changed for Lucky though. I note that he’s gained new power. “Marshmallow power” to be precise. He yells out “Marshmallow Power! A magic bridge!” And a magic bridge appears to help him escape from the kids (who are always after his lucky charms.) Why don’t their parents buy them some like mine did?
Anyhow, Lucky didn’t used to be able to that, and I was glad to see he was getting more adept, and more powerful over time. But then…
At the end of the commercial, after narrowly escaping, he wipes his brow, sighs, and with frustration and… despair, cries out “The chase never ends!” I’m not imagining it. It’s despair. Fatigue.
Lucky can’t deal with it any more. It’s getting to him.
When the hell did this happen? This kind of attitude is why America is becoming a second rate superpower. Yeah. It’s just too hard to escape those kids.
They’re using Lucky to teach despair to my children, and Trix are Puffs, so puff some crack and turn some tricks.
Our only hero is a crackwhore rabbit.
Where have you gone Joe Dimaggio? Our nation turns its own lonely eyes to you.
