She sold her soul to Skald the Rhymer, then in her weakened state, fell prey to my mind control magicks. She is kept in an idling state, reading the Dope until provided further instructions as part of my plan to…Take over the World!!!.
What, you were expecting maniacal laughter? I’m not a mad scientist. I’m an evil occult wizard. We only chuckle in a sinister manner.
This is exactly the reason 3M released their Post-It Notes product. Many relationship failures are caused by unempathetic, overly-blunt communications where both parties talk and neither listens.
Nothing can remedy that as well as Post-Its can. Start leaving notes on the bedroom door (“Honey, you’re very special to me”), on the bathroom mirror (“Now you see what I see. You’re the most beautiful thing in the world.”), on her computer monitor (“But what do YOU see? ONLY DOPE! Where am I?”), on the AC adapter that you unplugged (“Maybe now that your battery’s dead, you’ll actually talk to me.”). Etc.
This way, she’ll know you’re serious about restoring health and equality to your relationship in a loving, non-confrontational way.
If that doesn’t work, you could also surreptitiously make yourself the center of a new internet meme and have the rest of us talk about you for you. She’ll see our comments and realize what a wonderful man she’s been neglecting.
It may also be a matter of your physical attractiveness. It may be time for a new look. Try Gates glasses and the Hawking head-tilt. Sure to make any Doper lady swoon.