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  #1  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:14 PM
wedgerat wedgerat is offline
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children's cussing songs

What songs do you remember singing when you were younger?
I'm mostly interested in the ones you'd not sing in front of your teachers.

I remember singing on top of Mt. Smokey( to the tune of "on Top of Old Smokey):
"On top of Mt. Smokey,
all covered in blood,
I shot my poor teacher
with a .44 slug.
I went to her funeral.
I went to her grave.
Instead of throwing flowers,
I threw a grenade."

There was also "Joy to the world"
"Joy to the world,
my teacher's dead.
We BBQ'd her head!
Don't worry about the body,
we flushed it down the potty
round and round and round it goes..."

It seems we didn't really like school...

So, if you remember any songs, could you post them here?
Regional variations are also welcome.

Here's a related discussion of "Miss Lucy" and her steamboat. A bit old

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...?threadid=8359
  #2  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:38 PM
peepthis peepthis is offline
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Ok, I'll bite...

Before this gets boxed up and carted off to MPSIMS...

"Glory, glory Hallelujah,
teacher hit me with a ruler,
I hid behind the door,
with a loaded forty-four,
and she ain't my teacher no more"

or the (tamer) variation of:
"I hit her in the bean,
with a rotten tangerine"
in place of lines 3 & 4 above.

And, for some Yuletide cheer:
"Deck the halls with gasoline,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Strike a match and watch it gleam,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch our school burn downn to ashes,
fa la la, la la la, la la laaaaa!
Aren't you glad you played with matches,
fa la la la la, la la la la."


Mind you, this was at least 12 years ago. It's probably safe to assume that any kid singing the first or third songs above verse would be suspended in a heartbeat in today's world of school violence. It seemed so tame back then
  #3  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:49 PM
mangeorge mangeorge is offline
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I hate Boscoe,
Boscoe's bad for me.

My mother put it in my milk,
and tried to poison me.

But I fooled mommy,
I put it in her tea.

Now there's no more mommy
to try to poison me.

I went to catholic school. Those nuns were pretty strict about serious things, like looking under a girls dress. But not so strict about silly things, like these little, ditties.
Here's (in part) another;
I have seen the glory of the burning of the school
I have beaten every teacher
I have broken every rule
etc.
Peace,
mangeorge
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  #4  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:49 PM
Syzygy Syzygy is offline
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How could you forget the classic:

"Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.
The Betmobile lost a wheel,
and Joker got awayyyy!"
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  #5  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:51 PM
Syzygy Syzygy is offline
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And as we all know, the Dark Knight drives the Batmobile.
  #6  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:54 PM
mangeorge mangeorge is offline
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The mods have gotto be sleeping.

Peace,
mangeorge
  #7  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:56 PM
Dr_Paprika Dr_Paprika is offline
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Can't believe I'm posting this.

Diarrhea (fart, fart). Diarrhea (fart, fart).
Some people think it's gross
But it's really good on toast.
Diarrhea (fart, fart).

Granny's in the cellar.
And oh lord can't you smell her?
She's a cooking on her old and dirty stove.
Something is the matter,
Something's fallen in the batter
And she whistles while the (snort) rolls down her nose.
  #8  
Old 10-17-2001, 09:58 PM
Duck Duck Goose Duck Duck Goose is offline
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It's Wednesday night, the mods are all still at prayer meeting.

Bonzo wishes to contribute this Illinois variant, which is also the one I learned 30 years ago.

Glory, glory, hallelujah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
Shot her in the seater with a forty-five repeater,
And teacher ain't no more.
  #9  
Old 10-17-2001, 10:12 PM
Mortish Mortish is offline
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Maybe this one is tame, but my parents absolutely forbad me from singing it:

In the land of Oz
Where the ladies don't wear bras
But the men don't care
'Cause they don't wear underwear.

(I can't believe I am publically attaching my name to this. <g>)
  #10  
Old 10-17-2001, 10:16 PM
mangeorge mangeorge is offline
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Posting this stuff in GQ, and getting away with it, is exactly like the joy of singing these songs in school. Keep it up.

Peace,
mangeorge
  #11  
Old 10-17-2001, 10:43 PM
Khampelf Khampelf is offline
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We had One other verse to the Glory glory Hallelulia ditty

Chased her up the attic, with a german automatic,
And she Ain't my teacher no more.

WE also sang.

My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school
We have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule
We have even drowned the principal in his own swimming pool
Our truth is marching on.

and

Jingle Bells,
shotgun Shells
BBs in the air
Take a shot at Santa Claus
And listen to him swear.

or

Jingle Bells
Shotgun Shells
Santa Clause is Dead
Someone took my .45
And shot him in the head.


The batman version I knew went:

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells
Robin laid an egg
The batmobile lost a wheel,
and Joker got away.


thanks for the trip down memory lane.
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  #12  
Old 10-17-2001, 10:52 PM
whatmove whatmove is offline
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I fondly remember choruses of:

"This land is my land
This land ain't your land
I've got a shotgun
And you don't got one
I'll blow your head off
If you don't get off
This land was made for only me"
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  #13  
Old 10-17-2001, 10:53 PM
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Jingle bells,
Cockleshells,
BBs in the air,
Oh what fun it is to ride
In Santa's underwear.

My Age 4 Song taught to me by my mother. Along with:

Popeye the sailor man,
He lives in a garbage can,
He eats all the wo-orms
And spits out the ge-erms
He's Popeye the sailor man.
  #14  
Old 10-17-2001, 10:58 PM
Biggirl Biggirl is offline
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My inner city, urban upbringing has given me so many cuss songs.

A few diarrhea couplets:

When your walking down the halls
See it dripping down the walls.

Gotta run real fast
'Cause it's dripping out your ass


No strain, no pain
Just let it drain.





Oh, and the dissing songs:

I hate to talk about your momma but she's in my class
She's got popcorn titties and a rubber ass
She's ninety-nine
She's Frankenstien
She's the fattest MoFo on the welfare line.



Let's not get into the gross out songs.
  #15  
Old 10-17-2001, 11:01 PM
Rasa Rasa is offline
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This is so awful, but every time I hear God Bless America, all I can think of is this ditty:

God bless my underwear!
My only pair.
From the washer,
To the dryer!
God bless my underwear
My only pair.

Yup. I'm getting ridden out on a rail fer sure.
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  #16  
Old 10-18-2001, 12:40 AM
Kaje Kaje is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Biggirl
A few diarrhea couplets:

When your walking down the halls
See it dripping down the walls.

Gotta run real fast
'Cause it's dripping out your ass


No strain, no pain
Just let it drain.
When you're climbing up a ladder and you feel something splatter.
Diarrhea (Cha Cha Cha) Diarrhea

When you're driving in your chevy and you let out someting heavy.
Diarrhea (Cha Cha Cha) Diarrhea

I know there were more of those...can't remember now

or similiarly:
When you're sittin' on the jon
and the toilet paper's gone,
be a man....
use your hand..

yes...I have younger brothers who used to come home with a new one every other day when I still lived at home.
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  #17  
Old 10-18-2001, 12:43 AM
whatmove whatmove is offline
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more diarrhea couplets

Here are a couple more diarrhea couplets I remember:

when you're sliding into first
and your pants begin to burst

when you're sliding into third
and you feel a juicy turd

when you're sliding into home
and you smell that stinky foam
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  #18  
Old 10-18-2001, 01:11 AM
John Kentzel-Griffin John Kentzel-Griffin is offline
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OK, kiddies. It's off to MPSIMS.

DrMatrix - General Questions Moderator
  #19  
Old 10-18-2001, 01:37 AM
Tequila Mockingbird Tequila Mockingbird is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Rasa
This is so awful, but every time I hear God Bless America, all I can think of is this ditty:

God bless my underwear!
My only pair.
From the washer,
To the dryer!
God bless my underwear
My only pair.

Yup. I'm getting ridden out on a rail fer sure.
Guess I'll be riding with ya Rasa..I always sang it like this though..

God bless my underwear
My only pair.
Stand beside them,
And guide them,
Through the wash and the rip and the tear.

How 'bout a nice Christmas song?

Chipmunks, roasting on an open fire.
Jack Frost ripping off your clothes.
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out,
will find it hard to see tonight.
They know that Santa's on his way.
He's loaded lots of guns and ammo on his sleigh.
And, every mother's child is gonna try,
To see if reindeer really scream when they die...

I'm going to hell now, aren't I?
  #20  
Old 10-18-2001, 01:54 AM
Badtz Maru Badtz Maru is offline
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Jingle bells,
Shotgun shells
Granny got a gun
Pulled the trigger
Shot a nigger
Now we're having fun

I grew up in an area with a high redneck population.
  #21  
Old 10-18-2001, 03:26 AM
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Oh lord...

Scab sandwich
Spit on top
ooooey goooey camel snot
crunched up bibles
dipped in glue
creamy diarrhea too
I had a sandwich
how 'bout choo?


(A key feature of the following ditty is that between lines, you keep the beat by drawing air between your teeth in a sort of nasty sexual way, then exhaling like you are fogging a mirror, twice each)

Step on a rock
let me smell your hairy crotch
all the cows go moo
you know you want some too
won't your mama be disgusted
when she sees your belly's busted
but don't be ashamed
cuz your mama did the same


I think I've forgotten a few lines out of each one, and I'm sure we can all get on with our lives without them.

stoid
  #22  
Old 10-18-2001, 03:37 AM
Mr. Cynical Mr. Cynical is offline
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Thanks to cable TV and George Carlin:

Ratshit
Batshit
Dirty old twat
sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot
Hooray
Lizard Shit
FUCK.
  #23  
Old 10-18-2001, 03:37 AM
Badtz Maru Badtz Maru is offline
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I saw _____ floating down the Delaware
Chewing on his/her underwear
Couldn't find another pair
Just got bitten by a polar bear
Poor little baby died

And I also recall debating with friends whether this song meant the person being made fun of died, or the polar bear died because it caught something from biting him.
  #24  
Old 10-18-2001, 03:39 AM
Badtz Maru Badtz Maru is offline
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Georgie Porgie, grass and weed
Fucked the girls and made them bleed
When their mothers came out to play
Georgie Porgie ran away

I remember singing this one as early as 3rd grade.
  #25  
Old 10-18-2001, 03:44 AM
Tequila Mockingbird Tequila Mockingbird is offline
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Suffocation, takes co-ordination,
Suffocation, new game you can play.
First you take a pillow case,
then you glue it to your face.
Go to bed,
Wake up dead, whoa-oh-oh-oh


Thankfully that's all of the lyrics I can recall.
  #26  
Old 10-18-2001, 03:59 AM
amarinth amarinth is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tequila Mockingbird
[B]Suffocation, takes co-ordination,
Suffocation, new game you can play.
First you take a pillow case,
then you glue it to your face.
Go to bed,
Wake up dead, whoa-oh-oh-oh
First you take a rubber hose,
Then you stick it up your nose
Turn it on
Then you're gone
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Several other partial verses are rattling around my head..
  #27  
Old 10-18-2001, 04:00 AM
Badtz Maru Badtz Maru is offline
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I remember one weird one, but can't remember all of it. The chorus went...

Salvation Ar-r-r-r-my
Salvation Ar-r-r-r-my...
and then a line I can't remember. Then the sung part stops and you tell one of dozens of lame jokes that all follow the same formula -

In my town, the women all wear grass skirts
BOOOO!!!!
But the men all have...weedeaters!
YAY!!!

Then back to the chorus. All the jokes had to do with women wearing clothes of a particular material, with the 'punchline' being the men had something to remove them. The only other one of the dozens I can remember aside from the grass skirt one was that the women all wore paper dresses, and the men all had scissors.
  #28  
Old 10-18-2001, 04:08 AM
goonhead goonhead is offline
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This is a fun thread. I read a few of the "Glory, glory hallelujah" versions and it reminded me of a field trip I took in 4th grade. On the bus two friends and I made up at least a dozen verses to that, and were laughing our asses off. The best two I could remember are:

Glory, glory hallelujah, teacher hit me with a ruler
Hit 'er in the heel with a motorcycle wheel
and she don't teach no more.

Glory, glory hallelujah, teacher hit me with a ruler
Hit 'er in the boob with a television tube
and she don't teach no more.


When I got to sixth grade and the kids were all trying out cruder words, this was a popular ditty (to the tune of If You're Happy and You Know It):

There's a skeeter on my peter, get it off
There's a skeeter on my peter, get it off
There's a dozen on my cousin can't you hear the bastards buzzin
There's a skeeter on my peter, get it off


When my little brother was in 4th-5th grade, the kids sang:

Joy to the world, the school burned down
and all the teachers died
where is the principal, he's hanging from the flagpole
with a rope around his neck, with a rope around his neck,
a rooope, a rooope, around his neck.
  #29  
Old 10-18-2001, 04:22 AM
meyer meyer is offline
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hi ho, hi ho
it's off to school we go
with shotgun shells
and guns as well
hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
-------------------
Comet, it makes your mouth turn green
Comet, it tastes like Listerine
Comet, it makes you vomit
so get some Comet,
and vomit,
today
-------------------
I also remember that the end to the "On Top Of Old Smokey" song was:
I opened her coffin
she still wasn't dead
So I took a shot gun
and blew off her head

Looking back on it, I think if teachers were as sensitive then as they are now, I would have been expelled many times over!
  #30  
Old 10-18-2001, 05:30 AM
Cougarfang Cougarfang is offline
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Another variation on the Batman one;

Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost a wheel
and Joker takes ballet, HEY!

and Badtz's reminded me of one i saw scrawled on the walls of a bathroom

I ain't a nigger,
I'm a nigger-o
if I see a nigger
I'll letcha know

not quite a song, but it's got a nice rhythm to it...

and there was this one about Ching Chang Charlie... i'd forgotten it, though (thankfully ). maybe someone else knows it...
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  #31  
Old 10-18-2001, 06:03 AM
Nortia Nortia is offline
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When I was young we sang this..

Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away
Joker lost his lollipop
and found a milkyway

my daughter is currently practising this to delight her grandparents with..

Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away
Uncle Billy lost his willy
on the motorway
  #32  
Old 10-18-2001, 06:51 AM
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FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is online now
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Talk about resurrecting ancient memories - this was one of our school songs:

Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay!
We're off from school today
Our teacher passed away
We threw her in the bay
She scared the fish away
They found her yesterday
Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay!
Ta-ra-ra boom!
  #33  
Old 10-18-2001, 08:32 AM
LifeOnWry LifeOnWry is offline
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OHHHHHH! Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Dirty little birdie feet
French fried eyeballs swimming in a pool of blood
And me without my spoon, boo-hoo!

********************

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with snow
I saw Annie Oakley
Take off all her clothes
Along came Gene Autry
And took off his vest
And when he saw Annie
He took off the rest.

***********************

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord
He is tearing up the alley in a '57 Ford...

***********************

Suffocation, takes coordination
Sufocation, the game we like to play
First you take a plastic bag
Then you place it on your head
Go to bed, wake up dead, WHEEEEEE!

***********************

Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay
You're in the family way
There was a boy next oor
He threw you on the floor
He said it wouldn't hurt
He stuck it up your skirt
And then your tummy grew
Now you're a mommy too.

**********************

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Throw your teacher overboard
And listen to her scream
Eight days later walking down the Delaware
Chewing on her underwear
Can't afford another pair
Two days later eaten by a polar bear
And that's the end of her!
  #34  
Old 10-18-2001, 08:46 AM
Sn-man Sn-man is offline
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Ok, Iím not sure what dark corner of my brain these were stored in. Better question would be why they were stored at all, but here they areÖ


Arty Farty had a party, everyone was there,
Tutty Fruity laid a beauty, and we all went out for air

Push the buttons, pull the chain,
Out comes chocolate choo-choo trains
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  #35  
Old 10-18-2001, 08:48 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is online now
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whatmove - Hey, you forget second base, to keep the sequence! It's

When you're running into second
And you've only got a second

Diarrhea (uh-uh) Diarrhea

And then there's

Hello mutha, hello fathah,
I've been smokin' marajuana
It is good, crack is bettah
I'm so fucked up I can barely write this lettah.
  #36  
Old 10-18-2001, 09:03 AM
Biggirl Biggirl is offline
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More! More!

I don't mean to be mean.
But you need Listerine.
Not a sip
Not a swallow
But the whole damn bottle.



How 'bout:
She was comin' 'round the mountain doing ninety.
When the chain on her motorcycle broke.
She was found in the grass
With the kickstand up her ass
And her titties playing Dixie on the spokes.
  #37  
Old 10-18-2001, 09:04 AM
manwithaplan manwithaplan is offline
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To the tune of the theme from the Beverly Hillbillies

I'll tell you a story 'bout a man named Jed
Who went for a shit in a garden shed
But there weren't no toilet roll
So out came Granny and licked his hole
Country Style!

I can't believe I've only been on the boards a week and already I'm posting this crap.
  #38  
Old 10-18-2001, 09:19 AM
sirjamesp sirjamesp is offline
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We had a mangled version of the "Rainbow" theme tune (it was a British kids show):

Up above the streets and houses,
Bungle's flying high,
Opens up his hairy arse,
And sh*ts in Geoffrey's eye.
  #39  
Old 10-18-2001, 09:32 AM
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Roll, Roll, Roll a Joint.
Do it all the time.
Take a toke,
Hold the smoke.
Blow your fucking mind.

***************

Diarrhea

Some people think it's funny,
But its really dark and runny.
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  #40  
Old 10-18-2001, 09:33 AM
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Does anyone remember LuLu?

Bang Bang LuLu
Bang Bang all night long
What will we do for a midnight screw when LuLu's dead and gone?


Rich girl uses kotex
Poor girl uses rags
Poor old LuLu has to use a burlap bag
  #41  
Old 10-18-2001, 09:37 AM
Tommy the Cat Tommy the Cat is offline
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Manwithaplan jogged my memory on this one.

To the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story
'bout a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer
Couldn't keep his wife in bed
Then one day he was shootin' at some food
And out of hidin' comes Elly Mae nude
(Nekkid that is)

Well, the next thing you know
Ole Jed's over there
Pinchin on her tits
And pullin on her hair
Along came Granny with a ten foot pole
And stuck it right up Jed's tight asshole
(Sideways that is)


You know that is going to be stuck in my head all friggin' day.
  #42  
Old 10-18-2001, 09:45 AM
Kiki Kiki is offline
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I can't believe no one done this one yet...

Hello Mother
Hello Father
Greetings from camp... marijuana
Coke is good here
Grass is better
I'm to f**ked up now to write this letter
  #43  
Old 10-18-2001, 10:17 AM
JustPlainBryan JustPlainBryan is offline
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I don't remeber the whole song, but I do remember the end of it:

America, America,
God shed his pity on thee,
We get our kicks,
from porno flicks,
and pray for MTV!

Does anyone know the rest of the song?
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  #44  
Old 10-18-2001, 10:19 AM
Formerly Bandersnatch Formerly Bandersnatch is offline
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Oh lord... here goes...

Great big gobs of
greasy grimy gopher guts,
mutilated monkey meat,
all these thing so good to eat,
and me without my spoon..

Me without my spoon..
Me without my spoon..
All these things so good to eat,
and me without my spoon...

----------------------
not quite a kids song but also to Jingle Bells..

Jingle Bells
Mortar shells..
VC in the grass
take your Merry Christmas
and shove it up your ass..
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just because something's immoral doesn't mean it should be a crime - Cecil Adams
  #45  
Old 10-18-2001, 10:25 AM
Oreo Oreo is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 286
Let's see if I can remember all of this...

Have you ever thought
As a hearse goes by,
That you may be the next to die?

They wrap you up in a big white sheet
And lower you down about six feet deep.

It's okay for about a week,
But then the coffin
BEGINS....TO...LEEEEEAK.

The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out,
The worms play pinochle on your snout.

Your eyes fall in and your teeth fall out
And that's what it's like when you're dead.

(GOODBYE!)
  #46  
Old 10-18-2001, 11:07 AM
SteverinoAlaReno SteverinoAlaReno is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 260
Here's a few..

This one we sung to the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Oh, I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot
And I wear my woolen skivvies in the winter when it's not
But sometimes in the spring time and sometimes in the fall
I slip between the sheets with nothing on at all
Glory, glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, what's it to ya?
Refreshing breezes running through ya
With nothing on at all


Another one we sang

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher
With a red rubber band
I shot her with pleasure
I shot her with pride
I couldn't miss her
She was four miles wide

And finally (to no recognizable tune):

Bang, bang Lulu, Lulu bangs all day
Who will bang for Lulu if Lulu goes away?
Lulu bought a tugboat, tugboat had a bell
Lulu went to heaven, the tugboat went to
Hello, operator. Give me number nine
If you disconnect me, I'll kick your little
Behind the 'frigerator there is a piece of glass
If you are not careful it might get up your
Assssssk me no more questions tell me no more lies
Boys are in the bathroom pulling up their
Flies are in the kitchen, flies are in the park
Boys and girls are kissing in the D-A-R-K dark, dark, dark

(That last one seemed much funnier when I was 8 years old...)
  #47  
Old 10-18-2001, 02:13 PM
Politzania Politzania is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 1,037
Quote:
Originally posted by Dr_Paprika
Can't believe I'm posting this.

Diarrhea (fart, fart). Diarrhea (fart, fart).
Some people think it's gross
But it's really good on toast.
Diarrhea (fart, fart).
Some people think it's funny
but it's really brown & runny....
  #48  
Old 10-18-2001, 02:22 PM
Politzania Politzania is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 1,037
Quote:
Originally posted by meyer

Comet, it makes your mouth turn green
Comet, it tastes like Listerine
Comet, it makes you vomit
so get some Comet,
and vomit,
today
Minor lyric changes:
Comet, it makes your _lips_ turn green
Comet, it tastes like _gasoline_

I'm assuming there was a *real* commercial for Comet cleanser that used the Colonel Bogey March (hope I got that right) & this is a spoof of it?
  #49  
Old 10-18-2001, 02:52 PM
Sue Duhnym Sue Duhnym is offline
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Join Date: Aug 1999
Posts: 3,226
My school's version:

On top of Old Smokey,
all covered in blood,
I shot my poor teacher
with an elephant gun.
I shot her with glory,
I shot her with pride,
I couldn't have missed her,
She's 40 feet wide.

And for the school "slut":

Hi Ho, Hi ho,
It's off to work she goes.
She does a fuck
and gets her buck,
Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho.
  #50  
Old 10-18-2001, 03:38 PM
Caricci Caricci is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 3,203
I love this thread!

Here are a few of my favorites:

Jesus Christ!
Superstar!
Who in the fuck do you think you are?

Marijuana, Marijuana
LSD, LSD
Scientists make it.
Teachers take it.
Why can't we? Why can't we?

Rudolph the bright gun cowboy
Had a very shiny gun.
And if you ever saw it, you had better run.
All of the other cowboys used to laugh and call him
name.
They never let poor Rudolph join in any cowboy games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say.
Rudolph with your gun so bright, won't you shoot my wife
tonight?
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