Planned Parenthood is wonderful. I also made use of them when i was young and poor.
Reaching out to Vicky doesn’t have to be about sex. Just let her know that you care about her and that you’re interested in her. It will help her maintain her sense of self-worth.
:smack: back at you. It doesn’t have to be a Planned Parenthood - there are other places that provide similar services, such as the health department I mentioned. Not everyone has a PP nearby. I posted about the place I was familiar with, I would have expected most Dopers to understand Planned Parenthood was a given.
I think you can talk to your daughter, and you could talk to Vicky. I feel very strongly, however, that young women’s (and men’s) sexual behavior is their own damned business and the choices are theirs to make. I understand you’re feeling compassion for this girl, but telling the parents will just make things worse. Vicky will no longer trust you or your daughter, your daughter will probably end off pissed off at you, and the odds of either engaging in high-risk behavior will likely increase.
I agree that someone’s sex life is their own business to a point. Here we have a young girl who has no home support, low self-esteem who seems to be TRYING to get pregnant.
She has used fisha as a parental substitute before (I would consider having a child live with you for an extended period of time being in a parental role).
However, fisha’s relationship with her own daughter should be put first. If her daughter wants fisha to step in or is at least good with it, fisha should. Not by telling Vicky’s parents what’s going on but by sitting down with her daughter and Vicky and explaining that her daughter didn’t feel like she could handle this on her own so she got you involved. Then it’s time to have a frank conversation about contraception and the fact that the boy isn’t going to be her boyfriend just because she gets pregnant.
Yes, I agree this is a good course of action. There is nothing wrong with expressing concern for, and trying to educate, a lost teen with no other means of support. I’m more concerned about people trying to forcibly control Vicky’s behavior, which IMO is counterproductive and probably what her parents would most likely do if they found out.
Please look very closely at this remark. Sometimes the actions of traumatized teens is not nearly as veiled as we choose to believe. I think it speaks volumes about why you should seek out a way to have a private conversation with Vicki. Sooner rather than later.
You have well navigated these very waters, in regards to your own child, in my opinion. Please consider stepping up and spreading some of that around. For Vicki’s sake.
As a parent, I say “tell me.”
As a parent, you’re really fucking up your job.
Yes, because properly raised kids never fuck up and never get worried about what their parents will do when they find out and never, ever stay silent. NEVER!
:rolleyes: X Google.
Because other adults should counsel children - “it’s OK to confide in your friends as they know all the answers, and I’ll keep this LIFE-TRANSFORMING INFORMATION away from the two people who care about you the most and can do the most for you (not to mention have the moral/legal authority to do so).”
:rolleyes: X Googleplex.
Some of the stuff above is crazy. Most teenage girls have pregnancy so-called “scares”. If fisha is something of a surrogate parent, then she already knows so there’s nothing to tell. If she isn’t, then she certainly shouldn’t be telling.
Additionally it’s fairly obvious that everyone involved is fairly civilised and therefore not stupid. I congratulate fisha on raising a prim and proper daughter but not everyone is like that.
I agree with your thought that Vicky might be “accidentally on purpose” trying to get pregnant - perhaps to try to get a boy to stay with her, perhaps to have an excuse to leave her chaotic family and stay with you. I think it’s very kind of you to be concerned about her and what would happen if she gets pregnant. It would be easy to ignore it and say “Not my problem”, but I think trying to help her avoid pregnancy is the right thing to do.
I wouldn’t tell the parents, but I think it would be very appropriate to offer to go with Vicky to get on contraception (I would recommend something long-acting like Depo Provera rather than birth control pills, which are very easy for teenagers to forget to take reliably even if, unlike Vicky, they are motivated to prevent pregnancy).
IF the girl is trying to get pregnant on purpose I seriously doubt anyone is going to convince her not to. At least that’s the experience I’ve had trying to talk emotionally-needy, low self-esteem teenage girls out of harmful patterns of behavior that involve boys.
Doesn’t mean people shouldn’t try…but the odds are not good.
By “most teenage girls” I presume you mean “every sexually active woman of reproductive age.” No matter what kind of bc you’re using or how religiously you’re using it or how regular your cycle is, there WILL be a time when you spend a few days sweating about getting your period. Condoms sometimes break or slip, pills sometimes get forgotten or puked up, periods are sometimes just randomly late. Having a pregnancy scare is absolutely not, in and of itself, proof of any sort of stupidity or irresponsibility.
Even if she is being stupid and irresponsible (her choice of partners is questionable, to say the least), there’s not really a whole lot anybody can do to stop her. It’s going to be an uphill battle to get her to listen to somebody she feels comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with, and parents who have 4 other kids and are so wrapped up in their own shit they’re okay with her practically living somewhere else DO NOT fit that bill. If they fit that bill, she’d already be talking to them about it and the OP wouldn’t have a question to ask.
I would want to know what the “pregnancy scare” was: if it was “They were having sex and the condom broke and they sweated until her period came”, it’s very different than “they never think about contraception or worry about it, but this month her period was over a week late and she just refused to take a pregnancy test or anything, she just freaked and freaked until finally it started”. The first is a fairly normal part of having a sex life and suggests an acceptable level of risk-taking (more than I’d be comfortable with , but normal). The second shows deep immaturity and makes a disastrous pregnancy a matter of when, not if.
The first I wouldn’t worry about: kids have to figure things out, and sometimes the only way out is through. The second? I’d probably be driving the girl to Planned Parenthood myself.
Exactly. When I first became sexually active, I would lay awake at night worried about STDs- despite having only had heavily protected sex once with another virgin. Teens don’t always have enough context to know what level of assign to sexual activity. Heck, I think I’ve bought a dozen pregnancy tests in my life, and I’ve never had unprotected baby making sex ever.
None of your business.
[quote=“lavenderviolet, post:72, topic:635077”]
I agree with your thought that Vicky might be “accidentally on purpose” trying to get pregnant - perhaps to try to get a boy to stay with her, perhaps to have an excuse to leave her chaotic family and stay with you. QUOTE]
I wonder if you took her out for a long lunch one day she might spill the beans herself so you wouldn’t have to break your daughters confidentiality.
I’d be wanting to put both of these girls on birth control.
Vicki may simply want out. At any cost. Just point out the flaws in this plan, help her find a way, to alternatives, is all. Address her ‘needing to get out’, and the need for male attention may substantially drop.
I have one piece of advice beyond what most others are saying about not talking to the parents.
Don’t talk to Vicki either – unless your daughter gives you explicit permission to do so. The two of them have the tight bond and trust built up; if you start talking to her about any of this Vicki will understand your daughter hasn’t been keeping her confidences, and might feel a terrible sense of betrayal. That could end up destroying maybe the only conduit for good information Vickie has – from you to your daughter to her.