I don’t think there’s such thing as “the right girl” when it comes to losing your virginity. There is such thing as “the right girl” or “the right guy” when it comes to choosing someone you want to be in a committed relationship with. If this poor guy is just waiting for “the right girl” to come along, well, that isn’t going to work. Girls don’t just go out hunting for lonely, mid-twenties virgins to get into long-term relationships with. (And by the way, being a virgin at 25 isn’t THAT krazy, though it’s uncommon, but being a virgin at 35 is definitely in “weird” territory and believe me, you will send out the signals, and it will hinder your dating ability. You want to get this out of the way ASAP.)
By all means try internet dating if you think you can make that work for you (and many do), but again, the issue of making the first move comes up.
Have you tried using a little alcohol to loosen yourself up during these dates? You may find it easier to make the first move if you’ve had a few drinks. DON’T get shitfaced drunk, just get a little of the “liquid courage” buzz going. Being sloppy drunk won’t help you.
I get what you mean, but the thing is, I think that a lot people feel that the way in which you lose your virginity says something about you. You’re going to eventually have to tell your spouse how you lost your virginity - do you really want to say it was to a hooker or to a girl you cared nothing for?
I think “liquid courage” is a great thing - I would probably have dated no one by now if it wasn’t for alcohol. I have lots of friends who manage to do fine without it, but I just don’t understand how…
Alcohol is practically as old as mankind; there’s no shame in using it to help you be more social. The OP needs to do some drinking with a girl and then see if he still can’t get where he wants to be.
Thanks to everyone who has been so thoughtful and responded so far. I really, really do appreciate it.
First off, I just want to say that I will not go to a prostitute. For the first time or any other time. I don’t knock it if it works for other people, I just would not feel comfortable doing that. I’m actually kind of sorry I mentioned the whole virgin thing. It doesn’t really bother me that much, though that nagging voice in my mind has been getting stronger about it.
The underlying issue here is that I just can’t connect with people in general. I really do try. It’s just that after failing and being let down so many times it becomes a chore that I don’t feel like attempting any more. I think I’ve exposed more of myself in these couple of posts than I have to anyone, ever.
Everyone who is saying “just jump right in” or “don’t worry” doesn’t understand how I feel. Were you the kid who had trouble learning to ride a bike or who couldn’t tie his shoes or couldn’t figure out how to whistle? Things that become second nature weren’t so easy at first and although most people just naturally jump right in there are others who struggle for a long time to get it right the first time. It can be really frustrating. And as time goes by and the rest of the world passes you by it just gets harder and harder.
As for the 22-year-old, I think I was just intimidated by her. She most definitely was not a virgin. She had been engaged and had been in other relationships. She was very outgoing and into sports and racing dirtbikes competitively and things like that. It would have been really, really hard to start making moves on her (which is a major step in and of itself) and then when things get awkward (as they will) I’d have to admit to her I’ve never been there before. Can you imagine how this would affect you?
The thing is that I could find some boring, homely-looking girl that I don’t really care about and I could whisper sweet nothings into her ear and pretty much take advantage of her. I’m sure I am capable of doing that right now. I just don’t think that is honest and I would feel really bad about doing that to somebody, even if she wanted it. It’s when I find a girl that I actually like and have feelings for that I have trouble.
It is just really hard for me to do things like this. I didn’t even get a job until I was almost 21. I was broke and miserable all time and I wanted a job, but I just couldn’t do it. It was getting to the point where I would get nervous just thinking about going outside. I’d get shaky and red-faced when asking for an application, and chances were 50/50 that I would even be able to answer the phone if they called me back. Then I’d just go in and fuck up the interview enough that I never got hired. It can be really demoralizing when you can’t even pick up a job at McDonald’s. I finally got hired at a place and even worked my way into management in a year, but it was SO hard just to get started. People thought I was lazy, but the truth was that I just couldn’t get started. It’s like I was just grasping at thin air until I could finally get something that I could work with and then I ran with with it as hard as I could.
Oh, and sometimes typing things on the internet distorts reality. I don’t mean to sound like girls just come running all the time when they see me, because they don’t. I’ll admit that I have gotten lucky a few times, but I think that is just because they see me as an easy target or a project or something. It is probably a good thing I look so young or I’d probably be really screwed (and not in a good way-ha ha).
Well, my friend, thanks for responding after all this time. It seems to me that your problem is one of confidence in general. I think you should read The Game by Neil Strauss. It will probably help you a lot. Don’t listen to all the bashing of it that goes on (and I know there will be some, now that I’ve brought it up.) Most of the people who knock it haven’t even read it. It’s a great book and it is about waaaay more than just sex; it’s about improving your social skills in general, learning how to talk to people in ways that will get you what you want, and how to get over your self confidence issues or shyness once and for all. It is an ingenious book; I just wish it had been around when I was a teenager.
Don’t allow other people to define you. Define yourself by your own terms, independent of what other people might think. Assume a new identity if you feel your old one isn’t working for you; make yourself a new man, one who gets what he wants, one who isn’t afraid. Think of yourself as this man, all the time.
It’s pretty rare that I open up a thread thinking I have something unique to add, but, for once, I’ve got home field advantage:
Ej, here are my humble qualifications:
I’m a 25 year-old, heterosexual, moderately attractive male possessing only reasonable social skills, at best.
I’m 7 months into my first ‘real’ relationship.
I kissed a girl for the first time at 24.
I had sex for the first time at 24.
I’d like to suggest that I know somewhere close to where you’re coming from and I think you’re getting some reasonably good advice about taking the initiative in all aspects your social life(illegal activities aside).
Anyway, I’d be happy to field any questions and promise to avoid saying “I’ve been there” at all costs.
So if he wasn’t scared, he “just couldn’t connect”, and just sat there until 5am and did nothing? My point being, is that I recognize the situation. Anybody not scared in that situation may be schizoid, but if someone can recognize they’re depressed about their situation, he can recognize emotion, and schizoids I believe don’t. But that’s another topic. I can put myself in his position and know how he feels. If he wasn’t full blown scared, he was definitely nervous, more so than “regular” or “whole” people that have no problems that would hold them back in these types of situations. If I’m projecting, it’s because I’ve been there.
I’m going to go ahead and disagree with you there. It’s “wrong” because it is clearly a symptom of the OP’s hangups and self esteem issues.
It’s kind of sounds like the OP is magnifying the importance of every decision in his mind leading to a sort of “analysis paralisis”. Everyone goes through those internal doubts - does she like me? do I liker her? does she just want to be friends? what if things get weird? does she want me to make a move? should I wait? do I look creepy? is she going to think I’m a pussy? will I be a jerk if I have sex with her and never call her again? what if I suck? is now a good time to take my pants off? how do you work this fucking bra strap!? …and so on.
At some point you just have to go ahead and take your chances.
Also as old as mankind - Lying to women.
Ahhhhh but what a world it would be if it was!
I’m going to take Argent Towers’s advice several steps furthur. Don’t just go hire a hooker (which is generally illegal and I don’t even know where you find a decent one). Grab a couple buddies and take a trip to someplace like Amsterdam, Brazil, Thailand or Poland where it’s totally legal and just go nuts. KittyCat444, is that a good enough “lose your virginity” story?
Fair enough, but there’s some conflicting messages there. You say being a virgin isn’t the issue and then go on about how you were intimidated, she wasn’t a virgin and you weren’t ready to have to deal with explaining that you are. Sounds like a pretty big deal to me, but I’m happy to accept that I’m misreading your posts.
Not necessarily. It’s an emotional thing for some people and can just be fun for others.
I think this indicates you have an issue you need to discuss with someone in a professional setting. To me, it doesn’t sound like you’re just shy around girls.
Based on what you’ve posted here, I don’t believe this, and I wonder if you’re making things harder by telling yourself this is the case.
That sounds backward - if it’s less taboo, why is it more important? Further, you’re not in your 20s, so at the risk of being dismissive I’m wondering what leads you to the conclusions you have been drawing.
Because it’s a rite of passage. If you have typical sexual desires, and yet you don’t get it done by a certain point, it nowadays suggests you have some deep-seated developmental issues and are not a fully mature adult.
I don`t know. That’s why we asked him. His own words seem more indicative of not feeling a connection with people than being afraid.
I wasn`t attempting to make a lay psychiatric diagnosis. I meant it as an informal word for tending toward emotional aloofness and not bonding closely with people. So I’m sure there isn’t anything he can’t do.
Almost anyone would be nervous in that situation. You seem to be unabe to overcome your nervousness. From what he’s said ejtx seems largely focused on not feeling close to people. Although in his second post he seems nervous too. Point is, almost anyone is nervous in that situation, most of us do just get over it and do it. I’m not at all convinced that being scared is ejtx’s problem in spite of your experience in similar situations.
Forget the prostitute thing. Where you’re at, my guess is it would only make you feel quite a bit more ashamed than you unfortunately already are.
The trick, the whole thing, is to be cool with you. That’s it. Honestly. Be who you want to be, no matter who that is. I am 28, and far from the most attractive person on the planet, but I’m me, and I’m well taken care of when it comes to women. I have my own style, my own talk; I’ve got swagger. And it is all I have ever needed.
Be into what you’re into, no matter what your peer group thinks. My friends are all weight lifting, hockey playing, rich kids. Clean button ups and boat shoes type dudes. I’m a pastel tee, skinny jeans, rainbow scarf wearing music geek. My friends are into girls who think the Hills is high art. I’m into girls with tattoos of girls with tattoos that read everything they can get their hands on.
What I’m saying is, all this stuff that you’re worrying about now (that I did too, for a long time) doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Until you’re good with you, no girl will want any part of you. She is not going to want to mold you into her perfect man (and if she does, you have to man up enough to get in the wind) she will see who you are and think that it’s what shes been looking for. If she doesn’t, then you couldn’t force it to work anyway.
