It’s funny, I had a long, long post written up and realized I could better be summed up like this:
(sorry about the mixed 1st person/3rd person)
[ul]Self-conscious child grows up to self-conscious young man.[/ul]
[ul]Squandered my schooling.[/ul]
[ul]Made many many many bad choices.[/ul]
[ul]Ruined my credit before I was 18, then again after I was 18[/ul]
[ul]My passion of playing trumpet sidelined to try to be “cooler”[/ul]
[ul]Actually got to date my high school crush[/ul]
[ul]Actually got to live with my high school crush[/ul]
[ul]Bad choice #7651 Started growing pot[/ul]
[ul]Bad choice #7651 ruins my ‘true love’s’ desire to be with a slacker pothead[/ul]
[ul]Made more bad choices[/ul]
[ul]Pushed away 99.5% of the people who cared at all[/ul]
[ul]Tried to kill myself[/ul]
[ul]Now, I have to live with that choice affixed to my arms forever[/ul]
[ul]Ran away[/ul]
[ul]Now, in his second year since trying to ‘push the reset button’[/ul]
[ul]Has absolutely no direction, no local peer group, very little happiness [/ul]
[ul]Thinks he’s trashed a very promising life[/ul]
[ul]Refuses to forgive himself for all this mess[/ul]
[ul]Thinks about trying again[/ul]
[ul]Won’t because ‘once bitten, twice shy’[/ul]
[ul]Wishes for an fatal brain aneurism[/ul]
[ul]Can see sunshine on my new world, but I’m so lonely.[/ul]
[ul]I feel people’s gaze on my mistakes, I don’t like it.[/ul]
I really want to be fixed, I just don’t think it’s going to happen. Ever. I absolutely believe there is something to salvage, will it be worth the tremendous amount of effort though? I feel like my brain is short circuited, I remember too clearly how it used to be. The present is foggy though . . .
Some of us are in need of more fixing than others. But when we talk about fixing, we have to ask ‘fixing to what?’ Fixing to a norm, or fixing to being ourselves. That is the journey we are all on. Self-knowledge is a step in the direction of being ourselves, but it appears that it takes us there by a circuitous route. How we wish that life was more simple for us! There are no easy answers, but finding one who loves you is the greatest thing.
Thank you for the reply, I agree with you totally. Except, I think of her every day; the one who I would want to spend my life with. That fact is preventing me from from moving forward. She has, why can’t I?
Apologies to Trent Reznor and myself for being so teenage-agnst. :rolleyes: Really though it’s a good approximation of what I think about it. Que Johnny Cash’s version:
Thinking of her every day is not necessarily a bad thing. Can you make it work for you? ‘Moving on’ are 2 words. Staying put for a while is not a sin or a crime. But getting out and meeting people is something we sometimes have to force ourselves to do.
I feel for you. It’s really really hard to live with such critical voices in your head reminding yourself of past mistakes.
You as a person don’t need to be fixed. But you may need to do work to correct the impact past mistakes have had on your life. Have you ever sought counseling or therapy? Even if it hasn’t worked in the past, it’s worth it to interview several therapists, find a good match, and give it another go. You clearly want better for yourself and you are clearly willing to work for it, the two most important ingredients. Now having someone professional who can help you through that thicket is the last piece.
LaughingMan, I’ve been sitting here for about 10 mins trying to come up with something to say that would be relevant or helpful in your situation. But, since my mind doesn’t seem to be functioning without sleep, I’m going to sum it up.
I wish you weren’t hurting right now. I’ve been there. Stay strong and know that I wish nothing but goodness to come your way.
All I can say is, don’t beat yourself up over some things that happened in the past. Rather than dwell on it and say, “I was such a MORON about this back then!” concentrate on being better than you were before.
I too had a moment of insecurity before, where I believed I did not accomplish much, and that I looked at the other people my age and believed they had much more going for them than I did. But I had to concentrate on what I had accomplished, and what I am trying to accomplish, in order to see it through and not be stuck looking at the neighbor’s greener grass all day.
Truthfully, I think almost everyone is fixable. Recognizing that you need help turning things around is a very big step–think of all the people who have screwed up really, really badly in their lives, but who won’t admit it. Those people, I’d worry about. You…I think you can get back on track.
You will always have things in your past that you regret. You’ll always carry those scars, although time and distance will cause them to be less prominent. But you know…we all, every one of us, have events and decisions in our pasts that we regret. I’ve made decisions, years in my past, that I STILL beat myself up over, even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s just one of those things that goes along with being an adult, I guess. The important thing is that you have to be willing to forgive yourself, just as you would forgive your best friend or sibling.
I think inkleberry already asked…are you in therapy of some sort? Would you consider going, if it meant saving yourself from the way you feel right this moment? I believe that might be the key, but you have to be willing to do it, stick with it, and listen to your counselor.
Yes, you’re fixable. You are. People here are supportive and good, and this is a good place for you to start. Hang in there, keep posting, and do what you have to do to get back on your feet. Email me if you’d like.
Best,
karol
Everybody else has good advice, listen to them=) as for the scars on the wrists, tattoos go a long way to covering them up=) I have some nasty scarring on my left wrist from an industrial accident, and I covered it with a tattoo, and unless you are looking at skin textures you cant really see the scarring=)
Think of the tattoos as a rite of passage and pick images that you see as symbolizing rebirty and positive action=)
I suggest getting involved with people. Humans are social animals, we need interaction.
Volunteer: This is a great way to meet people AND feel good about yourself because you’re helping others.
Take a class: Dance is good 'cause you get to meet women of the opposite sex, but if it’s not your thing try a craft, yoga, cooking, anything to get involved with other people.
(Quasi)-religious group: Go to church, or if that doesn’t appeal, try the Ethical Society, the Unitarians, the Quakers. You’re in a major metropolitan area, you should be able to find something that suits.
It’s never too late to change. At 26 you feel like you’ve blown it and there’s no way to fix it. I’m sure there are a lot of 50-year-olds who would give everything to be so young again and have the foresight to know that they want things to change.
I think the most important thing you need to do is decide what you want. Decide what makes you happy. Set some goals for yourself. They don’t have to be big ones at first. You said you felt you had squandered your education. So maybe you can start where you left off. I know that’s difficult when you need to work and classes cost money, but maybe just a night class would be a good place to start. Couple nights a week … a great way to meet some new people. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find you’re not the first person over the age of 22 to take a college class. If you can’t afford it yet, start saving. Either way, it’s a goal.
You also expressed regret in giving up your trumpet. Do you still have it? If you do, why not pick it up again? You’ll be rusty, sure, but it might feel good. There might even be a community band you could join. There’s one in my community that includes people of all ages, from their 20s to 70s.
You haven’t trashed a very promising life. It may be a little battered, but you’ve learned from your mistakes, and that’s very valuable. At 26 you’ve learned what some never do. This demonstrates to me that you still have a great deal of promise!
If you feel like talking more, drop me an e-mail. I’d be more than happy to talk.
Val
Having a strong, concrete idea of what you want to accomplish can really give you focus, and make you feel much less like you’re floundering helplessly.
(Also, there’s some pretty inexpensive trumpets for sale on e-bay… and don’t let the fact that you haven’t played in a while guilt or scare you out of giving it a try - you’d be surprised at how quickly you can pick it up again!)
I had someone tell me once that if you’ve got one foot in the past and one foot in the future then you’re pissing all over today.
Try and stay focused in what’s happening right now rather than focusing on what happened in the past or what you might or might not be getting tomorrow. If you can keep your focus on what you’re thinking and feeling right now you can do a lot more to change those things.
Sorry you’re hurting. I think you’re fixeable and while it might seem right now like there’ll never be any joy in your life you can’t really know that because none of us can see the future.
Thank you to everyone I appreciate the kindness and compassion you have all shown for a relative stranger who poured his guts out. roger thornhill you’re absolutely right. inkleberry I have thought about getting into a thereapist’s office, just have yet to get around to doing it. Okaybear Thank you. Incubus Absolutely. The grass is always greener. bodypoet There is a lot of wisdom in what you say. VunderBob I’ve thought about NarcAnon but I have pretty much quit smoking pot altogether, the emotional/physical/financial costs were more than the temporary relief. aruvqan I really want to get tattoo on/near them, I’ve been working on designs for awhile, lots of ideas! FriendRob A dance class! That’s a great idea! I’ve always wanted to be able to dance, I must do this. Thank you. yellowval & Elret I have bought a nice cheap but very good trumpet (it’s over 50 years old!) I’m waiting to start again when I have a little time and focus to enjoy it, not frustrate myself more. velvetjones What your friend told you is very apt, the more food for thought. Zebra Funny that you mention Julia Child, I myself have been working at a restaurant for the last year and a half learning the ways of cooking. I know I will be a good Chef someday, patience though.
You are all the best! Thanks to SDMB for a little cheap therapy and a lot of ideas!
The beauty of the -Anons is that they try to help you get past the underlying problems, not just off of what ever you are/were taking.
My real kneejerk answer is that you need a religious element to your life, but I didn’t want to bring that up right away just in case you weren’t open to the idea. The 12 Step programs acknowledge a higher power, but leave the HP undefined because it’s your job to bring the HP into your life.
If you don’t like religion, don’t let this scare you away, either. There are plenty of atheists and agnostics doing the -Anons, and the programs have a way to work with them, too.
You get to socialize with people who’ve been where you were and are, and they help youa lot more personally than a bunch of anonymous netizens.
Something to think about, Bud. I’m also available by e-mail through my profile, and I know **Bodypoet **personally. She won’t steer you wrong.
is no small feat. I know a guy fairly well who has “a lot going for him” and despite the pot smoking fucking up his opportunities in so many ways in the past, still can’t / won’t kick it. Congratulations on this, it shows that you know how to take a step forward to something better, and lose something that was weighing you down.
Laughingman you sound in a somewhat better frame of mind today.
If it makes any difference that was a therapist who told about “pissing all over today”.
If you are interested check out “The Art of Mindful Living” by Thich Nacht Hahn (that may not be the correct spelling) I’ve got it on cassette and used to listen to it in my car but it’s also available in book form. It’s a very interesting read/listen.
Another book I would highly recommend is The Four Agreements.
