30th Birthday - is it wrong to expect a big deal present?

[Zoe]

Queuing, you will get no scolding from me, just some advice for making your birthdays a little happier. You and I are alike in that we make a big deal out of birthdays.

I also thought that my 30th birthday was special. At 30, I felt the way that some people do at 20 or 21. It was very liberating and I loved reaching that mark. I decided to celebrate it all day long.

I was staying on a place on the beach at the time and got up while it was still dark so that I could watch the sunrise over the Atlantic. When I saw my first glimpse of the sun, I danced down the beach and back again. I wouldn’t take anything for the memory of how good I felt just on my own at no expense.

It was that day that I decided to take responsibility for all of my own birthdays – doing special things and taking time to treat myself to some fun.

Just before I turned fifty, I took myself to what was then Opryland Theme Park and road every ride in the place. Oh, Lord. On my 50th birthday itself, I started the day with a big Mickey Mouse balloon tied to the end of my bed. (It had been weird seeing that head bob around during the night.) I filled the day with fun things with my husband and friends. I went bowling for the FIRST TIME EVER! My score was eleven. Okay, I don’t have good hand-eye coordination. I drank real French champagne and went out for a lovely meal with my husband after I sobered up.

I turned 64 last month and had a Doper Beatles Birthday Party here, went to a butterfly sanctuary, ate at White Trash Cafe where wonderful things happened, bought presents for friends and myself at the Beading Bungalow and enjoyed all week the wonderful lamb pasandas and other dishes my husband brought me from my favorite restaurant. We talked until 3 am. It was lovely.

My present was to be able to bring my college roommate and her off-spring here to Nashville for her birthday which was four days before. We rounded up old friends from college and had a celebration.

Celebration of life and friendship has become the most important thing to me – and it doesn’t depend on anyone else, so I’m never disappointed.

And that is my advice to you. Turn lose of expectations if you can. Too often they lead to disappointment. Put your energy into things that you can control. Learn to let go. It takes practice! Plan a wonderful day for yourself!

Happy 30th Birthday!

[Dinsdale]

And for all you folks who are looking at 30 as a big milestone, all I can say is that from a position in my late-40s, 30 sounds so incredibly young. At least from my experience, there was a heck of a lot less difference between 25 and 35, than between 35 and 45.

[yellowval]

@Indygrrl

My husband turns 30 in three weeks. I’m planning to get him an iPod, but he certainly won’t be expecting one. And not because he’s 30, just because he’s my sweetie and I don’t often have occasion to give him gifts like this.

Hey, that’s what my husband is getting me for my 30th next month! I can’t wait. For my husband’s 30th (10 days before mine), I’m throwing a surprise party at his favorite bar, and springing for karaoke for us and our friends. The karaoke is $250 so I won’t be able to spend much on another present for him.

[Cabin_Fever_1]

Yes, we have agreed you are being a jerk.

@Queuing

So she went and looked at how much they cost and said no way, I couldn’t even afford the cheapest ticket for one of us.

I would thank her for checking it out, kiss her cheek, then drop it.

@Queuing

I have a good job that pays decent money.

You are being a jerk. How about you buying the tickets and inviting her along? It might be a good time for both of you. Treat HER on YOUR birthday dude! It couldn’t get any better than that.

She has a lot of money saved up.

That implies you want some of it, you jerk.

@Queuing

On all of gift giving exchanges she comes out way ahead if you just look at it monetarily.

Surprise! You just graduated to Jerk 201. Next class is Remedial Relationships.

@Queuing

…I bought her a new digital Camera (she got me nothing). So we discussed our gift giving habits.

Good lord, I hope you get some pre-marital counseling. Of all the problems that come up in relationships, this has to be the most stupid one I’ve heard in a long time.

@Queuing

She is a lot more frugal then me and says she shows her love by doing things not by buying things.

Bolding mine: All I can say is cherish that with all your heart, you spineless bastard.

[Cabin_Fever_1]

Returning only to add a smilie for what it’s worth.

grrrrr…

[Dangerosa]

People have very different expectations and traditions around birthdays. Here is the deal - you can’t EXPECT someone else to grab onto your traditions. Make your birthday YOUR birthday if its a big deal to you. Don’t expect it of someone else. You can ask - you did - she said no. Its over. Now its your job to make a big deal out of it if its important to you.

My mother in law and I pretty much share a birthday (they are a day apart). She is a big deal birthday person. I’m really not (though I asked for a big birthday party for my 40th from Brainiac4 and got a much bigger birthday party than I asked for - he goes overboard easily). My family tradition is that “somewhere around your birthday someone might call, or they might give you a present, or they might drop a card” - and somewhere is as much as a month any direction.

Anyway, my mother in law has nothing but pity for my situation (in twelve years, its gotten better, I think she actually has realized I don’t care) - and spent years trying to turn my birthday into something special. And I appreciated the effort, but…
There are plenty of people who don’t make a big deal out of birthdays. There is something else going on here - there are plenty of people who have DIFFERENT PRIORITIES when it comes it THEIR MONEY than indulging someone with a birthday gift. She told you she couldn’t afford that. You are very quick to declare her wrong in her judgment about what SHE can afford to do with HER money. To me, this is the biggest issue in this story - and it does not bode well long term for the situation - the two of you obviously have very different financial priorities - and you don’t respect hers.