Inspired by this thread. I thought of putting this in GQ, but I don’t think there’s really a factual answer.
I’m fresh out of college, and I’ve noticed something about scheduling parties and other get-togethers at folks’ homes that doesn’t really make sense to me. When someone sends out an invitation, they generally put the time that the event starts. But other folks have often mentioned to me that it would be rude to arrive on time. Rather, you should generally arrive at least an hour after the invitation. (For instance, if a Christmas party “begins” at 9, you should want to arrive at 10-10:30.) I know it’s a general practice because at a party I hosted recently, friends generally arrived an hour after I said the party would start.
Is this just a Mid Atlantic regional thing? An east coast thing? Generational thing? Why is this done?
People tell me that they just dont want to be the first to arrive and loll about doing nothing, so an hour into it, there should be others there when they arrive.
It’s never, ever rude to arrive on time. Don’t let anyone give you any of this “fashionably late” bullshit.
It’s okay to lie about the arrival time if you are for instance, my brother and sister-in-law. I tell them to be places an hour before I need them there and it usually works out fine, because I know they’re always an hour late.
Fashionably late is bullshit, yes. Politely late is good. An hour and a half is not on, but I might come fifteen or twenty minutes down. That gives the host time to remember do any last minute stuff, and it’s not going to keep people waiting for you. Once you start arriving a certain amount of time late to suit your own ego rather than to suit the host, then you’re an arsehole.
The above is only for parties and such though. Any business appointments will find me arriving ten early just in case, cooling my heels outside somewhere as required, and walking in five minutes before the appointed time.
I agree with TheLoadedDog. I was always one of the "on time"ers and invariably it was me and the host sitting by ourselves for a half hour. Sometimes that’s cool, but lots of times, it’s a drag. Now I plan on getting to party-type events a bit later than the scheduled time, but nothing like an hour and a half.
Of course, each situation requires its own thought process, there’s no rule that works all the time.
Formal Dinner parties with specific start time - 15 - 20 mins (maybe 30 if the dinner is still a ways off) - past that is pushing it IMO unless it’s a huge affair. The whole point of these parties is to mingle. If you come within minutes of sitting down you’ve destroyed one of the main social rationales for the party in the first place.
Open house type parties 15 min to 30 mins is acceptable. 1 hours to 1.5 hours is bordering on rude unless it’s some ginormous party where your presence or absence will not be especially noted.
I’m the kind of person who is always at least on time. Sometimes I’m early. But I HATE being late. I will even offer to help the host/hostess with any last minute details needing done, and stay and help with the cleanup. Almost all of my family though, just the opposite. Arrive just in time to sit down and eat, then as soon as the meals over, up and out the door. Pisses me off to no end.
If you did that at a party of mine or my parents, and you didn’t call or have some reason for being late, I’d think you were awfully rude. Particularly and especially if there was dinner involved, no matter how formal the party.
The one exception is if the invitation says “drop-in”.
I find it rude to deliberately arrive late. If I’ve invited you at a certain time and you accept the invitation, you should be there as close to that time as you can. Anyone who pulled the crap above would find themselves holding their last invitation to my home.
I don’t understand why people complicate these things. I remember in another thread, the host invited group A at an early time and group B at a later time, expecting their natural definitions of punctuality to kick in and everyone to arrive at a time in between. The predictible happened-- the dinner got screwed up because people showed up at different times, hours apart. The host didn’t see this coming?
How about: Hosts should specify when people should show up, and people should show up as close to that time as they can.
I find this is mostly true of parties where the main objective is drinking oneself stupid: some don’t wish to show up before one can acceptably begin drinking in earnest.
I also find it to be true of “after-show” parties. People don’t wish to arrive too early for fear the hosts themselves haven’t arrived home yet.
I agree with the on-timers. I threw a small new years gathering a few years ago and it was over an hour before anyone showed up. And the first guest was the only one who notified me in advance she would be late due to a previous engagement.
When the others trickled in in small groups they all said something to the effect of “oh, if I had known no one else was here I would have shown up sooner.”
It made no sense to me and frankly I spent an hour feeling really shitty that no one bothered to show up. It was a horrible feeling. I’d rather be first and chat with the host than be late and cause the host anxiety.
