9 points.
Two wiry old men are sitting on a park bench, doing nothing in particular and reminiscing about times past, when the sun shone brighter and people had respect for the elderly.
- You know, says the first, when I was a teenager, I had erections all the time, for no reason at all. Just like that, pop goes the weasel. And try as I might, I could not bend my dick one inch. Hard as a mountain, I was.
The other nods and says nothing, only getting a nostalgic look in the eye. - And then of course, I met my Edna. Oh, we were so in love. We had sex all the time. I didn’t have as many hard ons, but just seeing her was enough. And when I tried, I could bend them a little bit.
- Hmmm.
- And then… well… marriage happened, you know how it is. After 20 years, I only pitched tents two Saturdays a month, and even then I could make a right angle with my redwood.
- Yeah… me too…
- Now that I’m 90 and my Edna’s dead, God rest her soul, I can’t say there’s much happening in the trousers department. Maybe one or two a year. When it happens, I don’t even do anything sexual with it - I just bend my dick all the way until it touches itself.
- sad, silent nod
- It’s amazing, when you think about it.
- What is ?
- The way the older you get, the stronger your arms become.
Sorry.
Zero points, that should be a crime.
Two old men are sitting on rocking chairs on the porch. First old man says “now that I’m older, my memory is awful. I don’t remember my own family’s names sometimes.”
Second old man says “I can help! My doctor prescribed me some pills for my memory, and now my memory is perfect!”
The first old man is intrigued. He says “I’d like to ask my doctor about that. What’s the name of those pills?”
The second old man says “hmm, it’s on the tip of my tongue… What’s the name of that flower with red petals, that guys give to gals on valentine’s day?”
The first old man says “Do you mean a rose?”
The second old man shouts excitedly, “That’s the one! ROSE!!! WHAT’S THE NAME OF THOSE PILLS I’VE BEEN TAKING FOR MY MEMORY???”
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Many years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. This is historically considered one of the only major contributions to the ‘modern’ world that was contributed by the UK. The Titanic was to cross the Atlantic and head to New York. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 1-gallon jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise as it was seen as a delicacy for its need of refrigeration and many of the impoverished could not afford to do so - even in poor homes the presence of mayonnaise was seen as an advancement in social stature. Those who possessed the delectable condiment were seen, regardless of land ownership status, as honored members of the community. Favors were bestowed upon family patriarchs, privileges and rights were provided that were often unearned, marriages were arranged and even dowries were established simply upon the ability to provide this delicious addition to the table.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The citizens of Mexico, eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate and quite saddened at the news of the sinking and the loss of its cargo. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
7 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
8 points for the mayo.Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, “Dat’s dem.” The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yah sure, ve’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,” says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven’s pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand place.” He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: “By yumpin’ yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.”
VAIT!!! Dere’s MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He’s been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
“Hey, Ole, vatch dis.” Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, “And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either.”
BUT VAIT!!! Dere’s MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. “First der was Sven with his budgie-jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting … and now Lars, hen-gliding.”
Dats all! Dare ain’t no more!
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be Asprin.
(cue crickets)
Don’t know why, but that one cracks me up every time.
Bonus round.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could.
Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, and then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, “Take another drink! Take another drink!” The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, “Take another drink! Take another drink!” But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said,
“He should have quit while he was a head.”
I can stop anytime I want to. I just don’t want to…
Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “any idea how to drive this thing?”
A fish is swimming down a stream. He hits a wall and goes “Dam!”.
Two peanuts are walking down an alley in a bad neighborhood. One was a salted.
And, I’m sure many of you have heard this one but for some reason I feel compelled to post it…
Agreed.
After I got out of college, I moved back to my hometown to begin my job search. As I was looking for a job, I was temping in downtown Chicago and taking the train back and forth. One evening, I was cutting through the park on my way home and I passed by a girl on a bench with a blanket on her lap and feeding the ducks. She was absolutely stunning but I didn’t recognize her from high school or anything, so I didn’t know who she was.
She must have noticed me staring because she made some kind of smart comment about it. I stammered my way through an apology but she laughed it off and invited me to sit next to her. I dumbfoundedly made my way next to her and helped her feed the ducks as we struck up a conversation. I told her that I just graduated college and I was looking for a job; she was going to a local community college and living at home.
Our conversation was going so well that I asked her if she wanted to go out. She said that she would love to, but there was just one thing. Shyly, she lifted up her blanket and I saw that her legs ended right before the kneecap. She was kind of embarased about having to show me, but I tried to be cool about it and all. My dad had diabetes and lost both his feet to gangrene, so kind of I understood what she was going through. Not that I was trying to use that for a pick up line or anything.
So we went to dinner and that was great as well. We didn’t go any place fancy, but we had decent enough food and we talked all evening. We really seemed to be in sync with each other.
I was taking her home when she had me stop off at the park again. After getting out of my car, she took off in her wheelchair and I had to chase her down. She ended up at a small patch of trees right next to one of them. She was laughing, but she pointed up to one of the branches and asked me to help her up to it. I lifted her up and she clenched my waist tightly with her thighs. We started kissing and it soon got real hot and heavy and one thing led to another, and well you know…
It was amazing, she was pretty acrobatic and I performed better than I ever had in my entire life. It was like one of those movies with the fireworks and the crashing surf and everything. We fell down a couple times, but that didn’t bother us at all. We just kept on going until she suddenly sat up and said “What time is it?”
“It’s 11:30,” I answered after looking at my watch. “Why?”
“I’m late!” she cried. “My dad’s going to kill me.”
So we hurried back to my car and I got her back to her front door and we were a mess, her hair was all over the place and there was a leaf in it. I was going to be a total gentleman about it and apologize to her dad, so he maybe he wouldn’t think I was just some jerk or something. The door opened with her dad standing there, he looked at his daughter, then looked at me.
“I’m really sorry,” I stammered. “We were out and having a good time and we lost track of the time. It’s my fault, sir, I should have had her home sooner.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he replied. “Other guys usually just leave her hanging from the tree.”
This is a great thread, Mouisser Poupon, but this is where I get confused.
Is zero points good? If not, I’d give 8, 8, 8, and zero for the mayo. 
Zero just means he’s heard it before. Jokes he hasn’t heard get scored between 5 and 10.
Here’s an old one, but maybe you haven’t heard it:
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 Am, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
A husband and wife are watching the television.
Of course, the husband is holding the remote and he keeps switching channels between the hockey game and a movie where a young couple is having a hot sex scene.
“I can’t decide if we should watch the movie or the game”, he says to his wife.
“Well, you should watch the movie”, answers the wife, “you already know how to play hockey.”