A dirty joke.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making
love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom
window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her
vagina. The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me,
there’s a bee in my vagina!” The husband
immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky
situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir
would permit.” The husband being very
concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to
get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said "OK,
what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis
and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee
getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and
the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s
vagina. The husband nodded and gave his
approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get
on with it.”

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with
honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few
gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So
the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor
began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began
to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was
enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s
breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and
shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think
you’re doing?” The doctor, still
concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the
bastard!”

Anyone else got a fun dirty joke?

2

Thank you Anniz. I needed a good laugh tonight. :smiley:

3

Here’s a dirty joke, but it probably borders more on “crass”…

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her.

4

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his
place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom
has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, “Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what’s up - you look so excited.”

The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who
gave it to me.”

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and says, “Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”

The bride replies, “I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!”

5

The Female equivalent of Viagra has just been released. It’s called Niagara - keeps her wet for a fortnight.

6

splort

Thanks, DVous :wink:

7

Two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a small boat. On seeing the boat the male says "hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!

The female says “Oh, I don’t know…”

“Aw, come on, it’ll be fun, … just this once.”

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending the hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away the male says: “Wow, that was fun, wasn’t it? Hey! I have another idea! Let’s swim back there and eat all the sailors!”

To which the female, exasperated, replies: “Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I am NOT swallowing any seamen!”

8

So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot. It’s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out.

The rabbit says, “Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me.”

“Alright,” says the elephant, “what?”

“Well you see,” says the rabbit, “I haven’t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I’ve had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me.”

The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees.

So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, “Okay, get ready,” and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant.

This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit goingat with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.

The elephant says, “Ouch!”

And the rabbit says, “That’s right bitch, take it all!”

9

this one’s kinda old, and not too dirty, but i like it…

This rich guy and this poor guy are talking. The rich guy starts to brag about all he can do. At one point hes says;

“For my wife’s birthday, I got her a diamond necklace and a new Mercedes.”

To which the poor man replied, “Both of those? Why?”

“If she doesn’t like the neckalce, she can drive to the store and exchange it herself.”

The poor man then says, “You know, I did something like that for my wife on her birthday. I got her a dildo and a pair of flip-flops.”

The rich man is slightly puzzeled, “Why?”

“If she doesn’t like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself.”

10

Here’s anouther one.
Hope you haven’t heard it.

There was this buisnessman who getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he´d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn´t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He thought about a live-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the man behind the counter. He explained his situation, old man “Well, i dont really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachment, and so on, but i don´t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, exept!!!” and he stopped
business man :“Exept what?”
old man : “Nothing, nothing”
business man : “C´mon tell me! I need something!”
old man : “Well sir, I don´t usually mention this but there is the ‘voodoo dick’ "
business man : “So what´s up with this voodoo dick?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled uot an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The business man lauged, and said “Big fucking deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” old man “But you haven´t seen what it do yet” He pointed to a door and said “voodoo dick, the door”
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the key hole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said “voodoo dick, your box!” And the voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and laid there, quiescent once more.
business man : “I´ll take it!”
The old man resisted, saying"it wasent for sale”, but he finally surronded to 700 in cach.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was to say “voodoo dick, my pussy”
He left for his trip satisfied tha things would be fine while he was gone. After he´d been gone a few days, the wife was unberably horny, she thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said “voodoo dick, my pussy!”
The voodoo dick shot to her crouch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she´d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she´d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, stell trusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clouthes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her licence, and asked how much she had to drink. Gasping and twiching, she explained that she hadn´t beem drinking that a voodoo dick was stucked in her pussy, and wouldn´t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
“Yeah, right. voodoo dick, my ass”

11

My husband came home recently and asked me “If some guy at work reached out and stroked your hair, would you consider it sexual harrassment.”

I said, “Well, probably not.”

He said, “Even if the guy was a dwarf?”

12

A man’s wife had fallen ill and was in a coma. He agreed to take her home and take care of her until she died. Once a week, the doctor would come to check up on her. As the doctor was examining her, the husband reached for something and accidentally brushed her nipple.

She let out a small moan.

“Hmmm… Veddy Interesting!” Said, the doctor, “It seems she is respondink to sexual stimulation. Say, see vut happens if you do foreplay on her breasts, ya? I vill leave the room and come back in five minutes.”

So the husband dutifully goes to work on his wife’s breasts, pinching, kneeding, licking, and sucking. After five minutes, the doctor comes back, and the husband exclaims, “It’s working, she was moving around a little bit, and I think her eyes started to open!”

“Vonderful,” said the doctor, “Now try oral sex and see if it helps more!”

“OK!” said the husband after the doctor left again.

A few minutes later, the husband came out of the room where the doctor was waiting.

“Vut happened? Did she wake up?”

“No, she died.”

“Vut!? How did she die?”

The husband looked sheepishly towards the ground. “She choaked.”

13

Here’s another:

A man dies with a massive erection, which is giving the undertaker great difficulties in closing the lid of the coffin. So he has a think about a soultion then phones the widow.

“Hello, Mrs Smith? I’m just in the process of laying your late husband to rest in his casket, but I’m having diificulty closing the lid due to the fact that he died with a large erect penis. Now, I think I can solve the problem by severing his penis and placing it in his rectum> That way we can bury him in one piece. I just need your permission to proceed.”

She replies, “Yes, that’s fine, do what you have to do. But please don’t seal the coffin until I have seen him one last time.”

So, a couple of hours later, Mrs Smith visits the funeral parlour. There’s her husband laying in the coffin in his best suit, with all the makeup on, and there is a tiny little tear gently trickling from one eye down his cheek.

She leans over real close and hisses, “Hurts, doesn’t it!”

14

I’ll let Hamadryad (or however it’s spelled) do hers–man, they were funny!–except for this one:

(1)“My dick is so big, they sell four popcorn sizes at the movies now: small, medium, large, and my dick!” Thank you, Drew Carey.

From my junior high file:
(2)What’s the worst thing about being an egg?
You only get laid once, you only get eaten once, it takes you 10 minutes to get hard, 3 minutes to get soft, and only your mother will sit on your face.

(3)A woman seated across from me in the airport was sneezing frequently, and with each sneeze, a strange expression came over her face. Wanting to help, I offered her a tissue and asked,
“Are you alright?”
“Well,” she explained, “I’m on this medication…and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
“Really?!” I said, incredulous. “What do you take for that?”
“Pepper.”

That’ll do for now. :slight_smile:

15

Two men are camping in the woods. After a week, they’ve gotten pretty sick of each other’s company.

“Look,” says one guy. “At this rate, we’re going to wind up killing each other. We need a day apart. How about if I go north for the day, and you hike south. We’ll meet back at camp at night fall, and tell each other about our day.” The other man agrees, and they take off walking in opposite directions.

At nightfall, the the first man comes back to the campsite to see his friend already there, whistling.

“Man, I had such a wonderful day”, he says. “I hiked south for about four hours, when i came across a mountain lake. The sun was shining through the trees, and a gentle wind stirred small waves in the water. I saw a hawk sour overhead, and a deer paused at the other side of the lake to have a drink. It was truly beautiful, and very spiritual. How was your day?”

“Well,” his friend replies, “I was hiking north for about three hours when I came across some train tracks, with this stunning young woman tied to them. I gently untied her, and we made love all day long, in ever position imaginable. I’ve nver had sex that was quite so good.”

“Damn!”, the other guy says. “That’s amazing! I had a nice day, but…damn! Tell me something, OK? did you get a blowjob?”

“Nah,” come the reply. “I couldn’t find her head.”

16

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Bad Sealemon, bad!

17

How can you tell when a woman’s having an orgasm?

WHO CARES??

18

A hunter goes out into the woods looking for bear. After a short while he sees a huge one in a clearing. Taking careful aim with his rifle, he fires one shot and rushes out to the clearing to claim his trophy,

When he reaches the clearing, there’s no bear. Feeling a huge hairy paw tap him on the shoulder, the man turns around to see the bear rearing above him.

Bear says, “Man, you got two choices now. I use my big teeth and sharp claws to rip you apart, or you can just yank your pants down and get fucked up the ass!”

The hunter realizes he has no choice so he pulls his pants down and the bear fucks him in the ass.

Hurting and angry, the hunter decides to come after the bear the next day with a 12-gauge shotgun. He sees the bear in the clearing, gets even closer to him and fires the shotgun at nearly point-blank range. Rushing to the clearing, again no bear. A huge paw taps him on the shoulder.

Bear says, “Man, you got the same choice as yesterday. I either rip you apart or you get fucked up the ass!”

The shaken hunter removes his pants and the bear fucks him in the ass again.

Desperate for revenge, the hunter acquires a machine gun the next day to even the score once and for all.

Spotting the bear in the clearing, he loads a full 200-round belt into the gun, determined not to stop until the gun runs out of ammo. He empties the machine gun into the clearing with much noise and smoke. Convinced nothing could survive the onslaught, he rushes out into the clearing expecting to find one real dead bear.

When the smoke clears, again no bear in sight. Suddenly he feels the tap of a huge, hairy paw on his shoulder. With a loud “Aw Shit!!”, the hunter immediately begins to pull his pants down and assume the position.

The bear leans over and whispers in the hunter’s ear.

“You ain’t in this for the huntin’, are ya?”

19

A bartender is just about ready to throw a drunk out, when The drunk blearily looks up and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction, then resumes polishing the bar.

Ten minutes later, a loud scream can be heard from the bathroom. The bartender runs into the Men’s room and shouts “What the hell happened?”

“Heeeeeelp me!!! Aaaagh! I was taking a dump, and as soon as I pulled the handle, something grabbed my balls! Aaaagh! It hurts!”

The bartender kicked down the door, looked inside, paused a minute, and said “You’re using the mop bucket, asshole!”

Two fire men are butt fucking in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says “What are you two guys doing?”

“Sir!” The man on top says. “This man has smoke inhalation.”

“Why didn’t you give him mouth-to-mouth?” The chief asks.

“I did! how do you think this shit got started?”

20

How about this one:

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when a frog calls to them.

“I can give you each three wishes” he croaks, and the two stop to check it out. The rabbit goes second (after bear wished for every bear in the forest to be female), wishing for a motorcycle (rabbit sized), which then appears.

‘I want every bear in the region to be female!’ states the bear, and it is granted. The rabbit wishes for a helmet, which he then straps on.

‘No, I want every other bear in the world to be female!’ says the bear with a flair. Granted, says the frog, turning towards the rabbit. It gets onto its motorbike, revvs the engine, says as he’s driving off:

‘I wish the bear was gay.’