A joke I overheard at dinner last night...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Overheard in the restaurant, from a woman who pulled out what was probably a printout of an email: (I found it amusing, and had to try not to laugh, so as not to make it obvious that I was listening in.)

A boy is working on his English homework, and asks his father for some help. “Dad, what’s the difference between ‘potential’ and ‘reality’?”

His dad replies, “I’ll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she’d sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you’ll know the difference.”

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?

She answers, “Don’t tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!”

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?

“Oh defintely!” she answers, without a moment’s thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

“You’re right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we’re sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts.”

:smiley:

Heard any good jokes lately?

2

A man comes home at 2 in the morning with a duck under his arm and is met by his angry wife.

He says, “I have been unfaithful to you. This is the pig I have been fucking.”

His wife says, “That’s not a pig that’s a duck.”

The husband replies, “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the duck.”

3

Steven walks up to his friend John of many years. He has always admired his friend John because John has a good job, a beautiful family, and is a deacon in his church. However, Steven notices that John looks extremely distressed.

Steven says: “What’s wrong John, you look terrible?”

John: “I just got a letter in the mail. The guy says that if I don’t stop sleeping with his wife, he is going to kill me and bury me so that I will never be found.”

Steven: “Well, that doesn’t seem so bad, why don’t you just stop sleeping with his wife and be done with it?”

John: “It wasn’t signed”.

4

A man goes into a bar, and orders a shot of whisky. He looks in his breast pocket, then order another drink. Looks in his breast pocket again, orders yat another drink. He does this a few more times, then the bartender asks “why are lookin in yer pocket before you every drink ?” The man says, “I’ve picture of my wife in this pocket, when she looks good, I go home.”

With much to drink
Regallag the Axe

5

Yours was great, don’t ask; was the only one that made me laugh.

A man and woman had been married for fifteen years and their sex life was starting to die so they went to a doctor, who prescribed an aphrodisiac. He gave the bottle to the wife, telling her to put them in her husband’s drink every evening and that their sex life should improve.

Despite being doubtful, she did as she was advised and that night, they had the best sex they’ve had in years. Over the next couple weeks, the sex started getting monotonous so she upped it to two pills, then three, and finally, just dumped the rest of the bottle in his drink one night.

Sometime later the Doctor called to check on their progress and their son answered the phone. When asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, “Mom’s dead, Sis is pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad’s outside yelling ‘Here, kitty, kitty!’.”

6

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

7

The Morrilton Zoo needs three gorillas.
They speak with other zoo keepers in the country, and most reccomend Toby Carter. “He’s expensive, but worth every penny.”
The Morrilton folks hire Carter.
Carter meets them at the end of a road going into the Darkest African Jungle.
He hands one zoo keeper a .357 magnum revolver.
“Why did you give this to me?”
“Don’t worry about it, you probably won’t need it.” replies Carter. He gives the second zoo keeper a monkey.
“Why did you give me a monkey?”
“Just hold the monkey.”
They begin the trek into the jungle. They have pith helmets, bearers carrying baskets on their heads, guys carrying cages, the usual stuff.
Carter spies a gorilla in a tree.
Carter climbs far enough up the tree to reach the branch upon which the gorilla sits. He shakes the branch and the gorilla falls to the ground.
The monkey leaps from the zoo keeper’s arms, runs over and kicks the gorilla in the balls. The bearers easily capture the stunned gorilla in a net and put him in one of the cages.
The trek resumes.
Carter spies a second gorilla. Again he climbs the tree to reach the branch, shakes it and the ape falls to the ground. The monkey leaps from the keeper’s arms and kicks the gorilla in the testicles. The bearers carry the second goriila to a cage in a net.
The zoo keepers are quite impressed.
Carter sees a third gorilla. He climbs the tree and shakes the branch.
The gorilla reaches down and shakes the branch Carter is standing on.
Carter falls to the ground.
“SHOOT THE MONKEY!”

8

so mr. hasenpfeffer is leaving work quite late one night, and as he’s getting into his car he remembers that today was his wedding anniversary. “shit, shit, shit,” he thinks, “if i don’t find a store open at this hour to pick up a gift, the missus is gonna be angry something fierce.”

so he drives all over town, finding nothing open. up and down every street, for well over an hour. and just as he’s about to give up searching to go home and face the music, he notices a storefront still lit up – joe’s 24 hour pet store. so he pulls into the parking lot, and heads into the store.

as mr. hasenpfeffer walks through the store, he realizes that every cage is empty, so he heads right over to the counter. “hello there,” he says “i’m looking for a gift for my wife on our anniversary… maybe a dog or a cat, something to keep her company while i’m at work all day.”

“well,” says joe, “we’re fresh out of dogs. cats too. been a busy day, today.”

“do you have maybe a parrot, then?”

“nope, no birds. sold the last one an hour ago.”

“oh my.” says mr. hasenpfeffer, getting rather dejected by this point. “it’s my anniversary today, and i almost forgot. i have to get my wife something, cause i know if i come home empty handed, she’s gonna beat me with her favourite frying pan. you must have something here.”

“in fact i have only one animal left in the whole store.”

“yes?”

“yes, it’s a marmot.” says joe.

“a marmot? do they make good pets?”

“oh for sure. in fact, this particular marmot is guaranteed to please.”

“i guess i’ll take it then.”

“ok,” says joe, “that’ll be $500”

“$500?!”

“it’s a very special marmot, my friend.”

“sheesh. but i guess i don’t really have much of a choice at this point.” said mr. hasenpfeffer.

so he buys the marmot, and and carries it in it’s little box out to his car, placing it on the passenger seat for the ride home.

about halfway home, mr. hasenpfeffer gets a little curious about the marmot, so at a red light he leans over to lift up the box top and take a peak. he gets the lid open only slightly and the marmot jumps out, right into his lap, rips open his fly, and proceeds to give him the best blowjob he’s ever had in his life (and quite possibly the best blowjob ever given, period.) the marmot then hops right back into the box after finishing.

so mr. hasenpfeffer finally makes it home, and gets out of the car holding the marmot box behind his back as he walks up to the house. sure enough, there at the door is mrs. hasenpfeffer waiting impatiently with her favourite frying pan in hand. “don’t tell me you forgot what today is.” she says as he approaches the door.

“no i didn’t forget. see? here, i bought you a marmot.” he says as he hands her the box.

“a marmot?! you bought me a marmot?!”

“yup.”

“what the fuck am i supposed to do with a marmot?!” asks mrs. hasenpfeffer.

“well,” says mr. hasenpfeffer, “first off, you can teach it to cook and clean, and then you can get the hell out of my house!”

9

[hijack]

Morrilton has a Zoo!?! :smiley:

Where I grew up, we had to drive to Morrilton (“Marlton”) to get liquor before they opened the stores near the county line in Blackwell[/hijack]

10

Chuck and Bill sneak away from their wives one night to go drinking at a bar. During the course of their drinking, Chuck gets so drunk he throws up all over himself.
“Ah man, my wife bought me this shirt. If she sees this, she will know I went out drinking tonight.” Chuck said.
Bob suggests that he lie and say someone else threw up on him and gave him $20 bucks to cover the cleaning bill. Thinking that was a great idea they proceeded to hammer down more drinks.
At the end of the night Chuck and Bill part their ways and straggle home. As soon as Chuck enters his home he crashes on the living floor. His wife begins to accuse him of drinking.
“Look at you, you’re so drunk you threw up all over your shirt! You have been drinking.” Yells the wife.
“No it’s not”, replied Chuck, “Some guy threw up on me and gave me $20 bucks to cover the cleaning bill. Check my pocket if you don’t believe me.”
Reaching into his pocket she pulls out the money.
“Um honey, there’s $40 dollars here, not $20” the wife said.
“Oh, the other $20 is for when he pooped in my pants.”

11

Not only did Quasimodo live in the Cathedral Notre Dame, he was responsible for ringing the big tower bell on the hour. Clearly, he had a special technique, because no one else could produce bell tones so pure, so beautiful as could Quasimodo. This unique skill provided job security for over forty years.

By the end of this time, the City Fathers of Paris became worried about Quasimodo’s advancing age and they became even more worried about doing without the wonderful sound from Quasimodo’s bell. Pressure was exerted, and Quasimodo was induced to take on an apprentice and teach him everything he knew.

With his misshapen head and face smiling down on his new apprentice, Quasimodo said that there was a very special technique he used to produce his bell tones. Mostly, it was a matter of timing and he should watch carefully. The two went up into the bell tower, and upon the hour, Quasimodo pulled the rope that moved the giant bell hanging from the ceiling. Then, with perfect timing, Quasimodo thrust his head between the bell clapper and the side of the bell. Modulated by his head between the clapper and bell, the note was very beautiful. That was Quasimodo’s secret.

Having heard the marvelous effect, the apprentice felt that he was ready to try to ring the bell on the next hour. Quasimodo was skeptical, but reluctantly agreed to the trial. Exactly on the hour, the apprentice gave a great pull on the bell rope, then jumped to place his head between clapper and bell. He almost got it right, but his head was turned ninety degrees in the wrong direction and the clapper hit him squarely in the face.

The bell sounded a note. Not only did the bell ring true, but the sound was beautiful. Not only was it beautiful, it was exquisite. Time stood still for a moment. People all over Paris stopped what they were doing, awed by the sound coming from the Cathedral. Quasimodo was good, but never before had such a magnificent sound graced their ears.

The impact, of course, killed the apprentice. His body fell from the bell tower and landed on the floor of the cathedral far below. Two nuns walking through the cathedral stopped and looked at the body.

“Sister,” said one, “have you ever seen this man before?”

“I don’t know his name,” said the other, “but his face sure rings a bell.”

And the first nun replied, “You’re absolutely right. The man’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo.”

12

A man and a woman are playing golf on an exclusive course, lined with multi-million dollar homes. The man hooks the ball and sends it crashing through a picture window.

Worried, the man and woman hurry to the house to survey the damage. Peeking through a window, they see a man standing next to a broken bottle.

“I am so grateful,” the man explains. “I am a genie and I have been trapped in the bottle for a hundred years. Thank you for freeing me.”

“Wonderful!” The man exclaims. “Do I get three wishes?”

“Now, let’s not be greedy,” the genie replies. “I’ll give you one wish, your wife one wish, and I’ll keep one wish for myself.”

The couple agrees that that is fair, and the man wishes for a mansion on every continent in the world.

Snap goes the genie’s fingers. “Done!” he exclaims.

The wife wishes for a bank account that will never dip below a million dollars. Again, the genie snaps his fingers. Then it’s the genie’s turn.

“I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a hundred years. May I please make love to your wife?”

The man is surprised, but he discusses it with his wife, and they agree. The genie takes the wife upstairs and she has the best sex of her life.

Afterward, lying in the genie’s arms, she sighs contentedly. “That was wonderful.”

“My pleasure, dear lady,” the genie replies. “What do you and your husband do?”

“Oh, he’s an attorney, and I teach at the university.”

“Hmmm,” the genie replies. “Educated folk. And you still believe in genies?”

13

A monkey and a lizard are smoking a joint in the monkey’s tree. After a particularly hard hit, the lizard starts coughing. The coughing jag doesn’t seem to be stopping, so the lizard tells the monkey that he’s going to get some water and he’ll be back in a few minutes.

So the lizard climbs down and heads over to the river. He scampers out on a slippery rock, and just as he’s about to starts drinking he loses his balance and falls into the river. As he’s thrashing around frantically. an alligator sees him and swims under him, setting the lizard on his snout. The gator swims to the shore and sets the lizard safely on land, then asks him what he was doing in the river.

When the lizard tells him he was smoking up with the monkey, the gator says “hey, that sounds good. I think I’ll wander over there.” So the gator takes off into the forest headed for the monkey’s tree. He finally gets to the tree when the monkey looks down and sees the alligator at the bottom. The monkey does a double-take and says,

“Holy shit! How much water did you drink?”

14

I just realized that I have this small repository of jokes that I learned in another language. A lot of them are language-dependent, but some of them (like this one) actually do translate, but I never think of them!

15

A man was walking home one Sunday morning. He had forgotten his hat, so when it started to rain, he ducked into a church. There were many hats and coats in the entryway and he was about to steal one of the hats when part of the sermon caught his attention and he decided not to.

The sermon ended soon after, and the pastor came out to shake the hands of the leaving parishoners. The man joined the start of the line and decided to tell the pastor how his sermon had stopped him from stealing a hat.

“It was the part at the end where you listed the ten commandments. When you got to the part about Thou shalt not commit adultery, that’s when I remebered where I left my hat.”

16

Ladies and Gents,
Hobos and Tramps,
Bald-headed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor
While I tell you a story I’ve never heard before.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and killed those two dead boys.
Now if you don’t believe this lie is true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.

17

arrr, these jokes are drivin me nuts!

18

I wish I could post some of the jokes Ive heard, but most of them are very vulgar/sexually/racially offensive. Email me for a sample.

19

Frank and John are having a beer at the local pub.

John says to Frank “What’s the deal man you look a little down today?”

Frank says “Awe man, it’s the wife, I don’t know what to do about her. The other day I tied one on up at the bar. I come home around 2am in the morn. So’s to make sure I didn’t wake her up, I turned my car off, put it in nuetral and coasted into the driveway. Then I made REAL sure I opened the door all nice and slowly so it didn’t make a sound. Then I took my shoes off in the living room then tip toed in to the bedroom then tried to get in bed all quite and nice and slowly. But as soon as I did she woke up and starts yell’n at me like nobody’s business!”

John then says to Frank "Dude! You’re going about it all wrong. Let me tell ya’ what I do. What I do is; I’ll come skreetch’n in to that driveway, lay in on the horn a couple of times. Then I’ll walk through that door; SLAM IT just as hard as I can. Then I’ll walk in to that bedroom let out a couple of LOUD STINKING farts then I’ll let out a couple of good belches. Then I’ll jump into that bed, slap my wife right smack on the ass then I says to her; “Honey you ready for some good luv’n?”

Then you know what she does? She’ll just roll right over and pretend like she’s asleep!"

20

Not sure if it’s a good joke, but it’s mine all mine…

Why should you never talk about lame mice in polite company?

Because such things are scurrilous.