Dear sirs and madams,
How are you?
How was your day? I know that you are busy right now, so am I. Finals week is next week, and then things really shift into high gear for me. It’s all moving so fast. Especially since I now have a wedding to plan. What? Oh yes, I’m getting married.
No, Mrs. Gilbert, I’m not pregnant. Thanks for your concern. I can see it in your eyes. What’s that? You only truly discover yourself at 25? Well, I’m glad you found your magic number. Oh yeah, I love him, but there’s more to it than that. I have been living with him for 2 years. What? That doesn’t mean anything? I have dedicated two years of my life to this man. He is closer to me than any other human being has ever been. I doubt those two years were wasted. But again, thanks for your concern.
Hello, Ms. Terranova. Yeah, I’m aware that I still have 8 years of school left. Do you think I’ve forgotten? All I think about is graduating and going on to college. Hmmm? Oh well, what does getting married have to do with college? Yes, well, I suppose he will support me. Mainly emotionally and mentally though. Believe it or not, I could afford to go to school without his help. No, no I doubt he’ll be bitter about it. Do you honestly believe we haven’t discussed this?
Mrs. Fitzgerald, you know I love you. Yes, I’m getting married 10 days after graduation. Well, between you and me, I have been planning on marrying Jaime for over a year now. You see, he is my soul mate. I may not have all the world experience you do, but I know what I want. I know you say it will be prudent to wait…wait for what? Seriously. I have to know. What exactly am I waiting for?
That is the biggest problem I see. There is some “for” out there that I don’t know about it. I just have to wait to find out. If you aren’t going to tell me what I’m waiting for, then I have nothing more to say to you.
Hmmmm, oh wait till I’m financially stable? Yes, I guess money is important. But what exactly is “stable”? What about when I’m lonely? Will my money keep me warm?
I know all of you have lectured me because you care. And I appreciate your concern. But please, let me request one thing. Let me do what I feel is best for me. I may be completely wrong, but that’s my mistake to make. And I do not appreciate when you talk down to me. Yes, I am only 18, and I have not even seen half of what you have seen. Or felt half of what you have felt. You are my superior. But that doesn’t make me inferior. That doesn’t mean my emotions and thoughts are any less valid than your’s. And it doesn’t mean that I’m not ready to commit my life, heart, and soul to this man.
I do not have to justify my love to you, or anybody. And I don’t have to explain it. Nor could I if I tried. It’s personal to me and my life. What I share with Jaime is something noboby but the two of us can understand. I can’t even begin to comprehend what you have with you’re husband. Because I am not you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is let me live my life. Let me marry the man I love, cherish and respect without a lecture. I love all of you, and I want you at my wedding. I want to continue to see you after I graduate. You have changed my life, all of you. Not let me go and live it.
Thank you
Sincerely
Haley
I feel your frustration, PLG, I really do.
But, I also understand where your teachers are coming from. They love you and care about you; they sincerely wish nothing but the best for you, and for them (and many other adults) that means not getting married straight out of school.
We all know that you’re an adult, you’re bright, and are capable of making a decision. We just don’t want you to make the wrong one. You may not see it from here, but marriage really changes the dynamic of a relationship, and it’s sometimes will be more work than you expect. It’s a serious responsibility. I don’t doubt your sincerity and for what you believe in; I’m just concerned because I’d hate to see you get hurt.
Even though your situation may be different than mine, I also married young. Our divorce 2 years later was messy, painful, and rough because we didn’t understand what it meant to be married. So, I speak from experience. Just take some time and seriously consider what you’re doing. The people who really love and care about you will support you whatever you choose to do.
good for you pepper. you’d better fucking invite me to the fucking wedding
Just think of it this way: The time for your teacher (and everyone else) to tell you this stuff is NOW, before you get married. Then you’ve been told, you’ve had time to consider their words.
About 20 years ago my sister was dating (and then got engaged) to a very nice black man. (We’re white.) My parents were “concerned”. He was a nice guy, but not perfect. My dad was worried about the cultural differences. Also, while both my parents were not racist, many people around them were. This concerned them. My dad couldn’t even tell his co-workers about my sister’s plans. He knew he’d hear hatred and shit about it if he did. My parents did their best to counsel my sister.
Then, she got married. And all the “concern” and “counselling” stopped. He was FAMILY now, that was that.
And now it’s 20 years later. Two kids, a happy, solid marriage. What else is there to say? My sister made the right choice. But my parents were right to be concerned, and to tell her so. And they were most wise to shut the hell up as soon as the marriage vows were spoken.
A lot of what your teacher has told you has some merit. It does. And you are being told. It’s right that you be told. But in the end, make your own decision.
All my best wishes to you, and for many years of blissful domestic felicity!
Pepper,
I got married young, fathered two beautiful girls and went through a painful divorce. I’ve been engaged twice since then and and been in several “serious relationships”, none of which has been successful. Right now I’m a disgruntled hermit who questions the word “love” (other than as it applies to friends and family.) I really doubt that I could ever again give enough of myself to sustain a marriage.
Would I do it again? Probably. The decisions were mine and no one elses. I learned and I accept the consequences.
Think it out, weigh the pros and cons, then follow your heart. No one has the right to live your life except you.
“To thine own self be true”. I wish you all the best.
Hermit
My youngest daughter just turned 18 the week before Christmas and this is the same advice I’ve given her, so I hope you’ll take it in the well meaning way that it was meant.
PLG, let me give you a hint: I assume that you are not planing on having kids anytime soon. When people express concern over getting maried so young, say “Of course, we are being very careful that there are no little ones until after we finnish school.” On the list of potential stupid mistakes, babies too young are much higher on the list than marrige too young–face it, you can undo one, but not the other. Kids is what is worring your teachers deep down inside.
Second, remember that lots of people do get married at your age for very stupid reasons (I’m lonely, I only like myself around him) and there is no light glowing out of your eyes that lets them know you are any different. Be grateful you have concerned teachers–I mean, geez, you’ve seen the “bad teacher” threads, right?
Third, I would say something like “Everybody acts like everybody is “suposed” to have these same life experiences, like you are supposed to go to college and have exactly two long term relationships and exactly one fling and your life oughta match what MTV and Cosmo define as the “normal” experience. The fact is that there are lots of different paths to maturity, and while I may miss out on doing some of the experiences my peers will have, I also will have experences they won’t.”
Also, avoid using phrases like 'He is my soulmate." Frankly, t hey make you sound to immature to get married!. Your teachers don’t doubt your strengh of emotion–strengh of emotion is the easiest part. What they doubt is your abiulity to see past the emotion into the practicalities. When they raise concerns, I would say something along the lines of “jaime nad I have talked about these things. Alot. And we are still talking”–because while you think this is obvious to everyone, it isn’t–many “adult” marriges involve little communication at all.
I’m glad you see their concerns for what they are: an expression of kindess, however frustrating or condescending it might seem when what you’d LIKE to hear is “How wonderful.” Try to remember that their feelings come from the heart and show that they care and think you have loads of potential.
It’s not only youth that gets you these sorts of lectures. When I got pregnant with our first child at the ripe old age of 32, my dissertation advisor was worried that I didn’t wait. She knew how much a baby could get in the way of my finishing grad school. She was right (and I knew this going into it) and while it bummed me out that the happiest news of my life was tinged with “Oh, crap, I don’t want to tell her,” well, it’s her job to offer guidance, and to care. She’s older than me, she’s seen tons of grad students go through this, she can’t help but feel that way. I plan on ultimately proving her wrong by finishing, but christ I’ve struggled. I’ve had to be very realistic about how hard it is and will continue to be.
Manda Jo had a good point–adults tend to think that young people talking about love is “quaint” no matter how honest it is. Save the romantic talk for each other, or for your writing. The best way to win them over is to make it absolutely clear how practical you are, how you’ve thought about the challenges ahead.
Now this is really going to make you want to tell me to shove it up my Gone-With-The-Wind-Hating ass, but I have one concern that your teachers probably haven’t mentioned. Do you have other young married friends? Because young people in college treat married people very differently. My friend married her husband right after h.s. graduation, and they’ve been successful in meeting their goals together (they both went to U-M, now he’s in grad school in a top program), they have a child. They have no regrets except they missed out on so much fun social stuff because their peers treated them so differently. They didn’t invite them to things, assuming that married people wouldn’t want to do x, and their single friends wouldn’t invite one of them for an all-girls or all-boys night because they assumed that one of them wouldn’t come without the other. It’s so different than it would have been if they’d simply been engaged, or in a serious relationship. Those perceptions were wrong, of course, but it was fighting an uphill battle all the way. Other people’s perceptions kept them from having a normal college experience, and it grated sometimes. They are each other’s best friends, and they loved spending time together, but it was like a conspiraccy against them at times to be “normal.” Be prepared for that. If you don’t have other married friends who will understand, well, find some.
Good luck, gal! I married my husband when he was 19 (I’m 4 years older than him) and we’ve been married 9 fabulous years that feel like 2. They’ve sped by so fast. Sure we’ve had problems, but more related to the differences of how we were raised to handle situations. The age thing has never been an issue.
I agree with MandaJo. Use them BCPs and condoms until you’re out of school. You think school is hard now? Try having a little one to contend with.
Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful, long marriage.
I actually never say that to them. It’s none of their business anyway. What I usually say is “I have changed a lot in two years, and so has he. Fortunately, instead of forcing us a part, we grew together.”
At least ten years. I still have to go to school and graduate school. While I wouldn’t freak out if I did end up pregnant before then, I’m also not going to try to. Condoms and the pill will be used. I’m taking as few chances as possible.
That won’t be a problem. We don’t have a lot of friends anyway, and we’re moving hundreds of miles from home, where we really know nobody. Also, we don’t like to go out with people for the most part. People warn me that I’m going to miss out socially, but I’ve never gone out with friends, so I don’t see why it makes a difference now. Jaime is even less of a social animal than I am. I guess we are homebodies, and we’re happy sitting at home with each other.
I’ll think about it. 
Pepper, that was one hell of a letter. I could tell by reading it that it came from your heart (and was kinda surprised to find it in the Pit, unless you thought you might need to cuss & rant later!).
I married my husband right after he graduated from college. We were not young, but we started the “normal” stuff, like school, responsibility, etc, very late in the game, so it may have been similar. We moved to CO from CA right after the wedding for him to go to law school.
It was an interesting time. Like you, we were not big socials or partiers, so that was no biggee. We had friends who were couples, though not necessarily married, as well as single friends. Maybe law school is different than undergrad, but the social things were NOT the priority for most students! My husband met his best friend there, and he now lives near us in CA.
It was a great time for us, even thought we saw the ranks of law students decimated by stress and other issues. Several who were married and both of them in law school got divorced and/or dropped out, as did couples where only one person was a student. The only one we knew with kids dropped out too.
Bottom line- follow your heart, but be ready for change. Create a loving support group around the two of you, so you don’t feel alone in the CA wilderness! You don’t want to fell as if Jaime is the only person you have here. Love each other, communicate, and don’t forget the little things.
You’ll be fine. I’m also going to email you some info on housing near the university!
FWIW, the Better Half and I were both “too young to get married” in my family’s estimation, “he still has years of school ahead of him, and what about YOUR college? You’re just going to drop out and start putting him through? :eek: Well, thank God at least you aren’t pregnant…are you?” :eek: “No…” :rolleyes:
Last time I looked, it’s been 26 years. So there. 
And I had “input” from teachers, too. So to the dorm parents (“you’re not pregnant, are you?”), to the guidance counselor (“you’re not pregnant, are you?”).
PLG, If you don’t know this guy after 2 years, you’re never gonna know him. I want to make an appointment to see you in the year 2025 and hear ALL about it.
P.S. We used birth control RIGOROUSLY for the first 10 years or so. I said to him, “It’s bad enough living in Married Student Housing without trying to cram a baby in here, too.” And besides, I was working full-time supporting both of us. So take a tip, and don’t take any chances. Your body WANTS a baby (want-want-want-want-want), even though your head might not. And as for, “Oh, let’s go ahead and have the cute lil critter and I’ll go back to work after the baby is born”, take another tip and don’t go there, girlfriend. Uh uh. Two words: child care. 'Nuff said.
I think there may be just a little bit of finger-wagging going on among some of the first replies to this thread.
Pepper is never one to reject good advice, or to shoot down bad advice if at least presented politely. I think her whole issue is the manner and attitude of the people who she tells - they are not overjoyed, and happy for her, and congratualtory first, then after a day or so telling her advice. Instead, they are lecturing her from almost their first breath. I can almost picture exactly how the conversations went IRL, from witnessing them myself (with others):
“Oh, you’re geting married? Well, that’s a big step. Are you sure you’re ready for this?..etc”
Now see, this sends a message of pure disapproval and/or lecturing, like an old grandmother waving her finger in your face, or Bill Clinton wagging his finger at the camera admonishing “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…”
And I think that is what Pepper is upset about - no, not Clinton, I mean the tone. And if that is the case, I would be just as upset, if not moreso (yes, about both Clinton and the tone).
My dear Una is 100% correct. I do not appreciate being lectured or admonished. However, I do not mind advice. Often it seems that certain people are not offering advice from their hearts, they are instead lecturing an unruly child.
Well, since I have no consolation or advice, I’ll help in the best way I can:
Hearty congratulations to you! No ifs, ands or buts. I’m sure you’ll be very happy and I wish you all the best.
Lauren25? Shit! EVERYONE knows you don’t really discover your “true” self until you’re 35… I just can’t wait until April to see what I “truly” am! (I’m assuming this true me comes delivered in a box – just my luck it will be C.O.D and I won’t have any cash on me.)
Prudent to wait? Suppose so. Sounds to me like you’ve waited and talked to him about your plans; he’s not going to put a “what the fuck?” in your face when you are in school for the next eight years so…
And hon, if I can point out, they are your elders, not your superiors… you are younger, not stupider or inferior. Hell, I know folks in their 60’s who shouldn’t be allowed to choose which shoes to wear!
You want to do this. You know what you are getting into. You’ve talked about where you want to go, where he wants to go and how you two plan to get there… well, hit me with a crowbar but right there you’ve made more plans than MOST married couples I know!
I have never been married. Had the option 5 times now but said no because the other person wasn’t going where I was going or didn’t want to go along on my ride. If you two are on the same path or can work with each other on the same path then you’ve got more going for you than most couples.
As long as you and he are very straight with each other about what you want, what you expect, who is going to do what and when and especially if you’ve worked out money issues (the number one issue that drives couples apart) I’d say you’re doing fine.
Not like you needed it, wanted it, or asked for it but I’d give my blessing.
Sheesh. I’m forty-something and I’m still looking for myself. Happy to hear that evidently Mrs. Gilbert had an easier time of it. How old is she, anyway–26?
Yeah, I’m 33 and still looking for myself, too. If anyone out there finds me, please let me know.
Your teachers mean well, pepper, so I’m glad you seem to understand where they’re coming from. College is hard, and I’m glad you’ll have Jaime there to back you up. You’ll need all the mental & emotional support you can get!
My advice? Small wedding. You’re trying to get ready for college now too, and you’re thinking about a bazillion other things as well (you already explained that in your MPSIMS thread about being sad right after Christmas). Planning a big blowout wedding is a huge hassle, on top of all the other stuff you’ve got to get ready for. Keep it simple. Unless you can affor to hire a wedding coordinator…
Oh, the wedding is going to be extremely small. So small in fact that we’re probably going to hold it on the patio of a restaurant at a golf course. The reception will have a max of 60 people (75 counting the wedding party). Hell, the Honeymoon is only going to be 4 days long.
No, she’s in 40s, maybe even closer to 50. She got married when she was 18 and became a housewife, even though she always wanted to become a teacher. After her kids left the fold, she went back to school, and from the sounds of it, with the full support of her husband.
Actually, that does mean a lot to me Byzantine, I have respected you and admired you pretty much from the day I registered. Thank you for the thoughtful post. 
And thank you too!
The reason this was started in the Pit is because at the time I felt reasonable. I was just preparing for the eventuality of being pissed off. It’s been a very hard week.
pepperlandgirl – “I have respected you and admired you pretty much from the day I registered. Thank you for the thoughtful post.”
Ohmygosh! Now I’m scared! But I can be such a twit, and weird and goshdarnitall but I can be down right off the wall! Don’t listen to me! I don’t know what I’m doing!
Aw, naw, I still think you’ve got the brains behind your plans. Best to you, hon! And don’t you just disappear on us. We want all the dirt on college and all; we’re like soap watchers; we want the dirt, the suds and the scoop!
My very best to you and yours,
Byz