I guess I’m not convinced that the “jerks” win in life. Maybe small victories, but do their lives work out better?
Sure, I see the guy cut in at the end of the merge lane and think “jerk.” But usually I find myself catching up to that same jerk at the next exit. Really, what have they gained?
One of the things that has always bothered me about reality shows is that the dishonest schemers win a lot more than they would in real life. Life doesn’t have a set end point, we don’t vote others out of the game, and only in rare circumstances do things have a zero sum outcome.
I see the managers who are incredibly successful at work. I wouldn’t say all of them are neccessarily the nicest people out there–but few are outright jerks. for the most part, they’re successful because they manage to make sure everyone comes out of a particular situation feeling they’ve gained something. Sure, we have some raging assholes, but they’re rarely successful for long. A large part of being successful in my workplace involves getting people who don’t work for you to help you with your projects. You can only do that so long if you’re a jerk. However, if you make everyone on the project realize it’s in their best interest for the project to succeed, they’ll help you out. And, if you build up favors in the unofficial favor bank, people will respond. Sure, the managers who rant and yell and get in people’s face do well for a while since everyone is afraid of them. But they don’t last long because no one will help them out when they feel they don’t have to.
The only time I see jerks succeeding is when they pair up with someone who is, for lack of a better term, a doormat. Doormat does not equal nice. Some doormats I know are downright mean–they just have no backbone to back up their meanness. (So they take it out on others the minute they’re actually in a position of power. Say, with a waiter, valet, etc.)
If someone takes advantage of you, you’re not a “jerk” or less than nice to refuse to allow that to continue. As others have said, give someone the benefit of the doubt once. Heck, give it to them a couple of times. But then stop when it becomes apparent that they’re using you. You don’t have to be a jerk and say “take care of your own damn cat.” Just say “sorry, I can’t do it this week, good luck finding someone else.”
And don’t sweat the small stuff. Sure, jerk driver cut in front of you. Has he or she really gained that much time? They’ve saved what? A car length or five? As I said, I’ve caught up to many of those drivers at the next light or exit.
Finally, you do gain some benefit by being nice–if only that it makes you feel good. I’ve let drivers in front of me who have obviously been caught unaware by a stalled vehicle in front of them or poorly marked construction. What do I gain? Well, I’m happy with myself for a while. When I drop money in a charity donation box, no one knows and I don’t gain anything other than some personal satisfaction. But that’s something that makes me feel good about myself–and I like to feel good about myself. Many people don’t. Most true “jerks” that I know really don’t like themselves much. I wonder why–could it be that they realize there’s very little to like? That’s a sad way to live.
), very reasonable, and exactly the sort of gentle admonishment that I think CAN be effective in helping people see where they may have acted in a less-than-graceful manner. It makes me happy to see that, and I hope that you’ll keep that attitude in that thread, because it’s far likelier to be effective and not to piss people off.
) have enough problems lately that I dont’ need to burden them with mine.