You are so right about being careful, I’d probably end up being overly cautious anyway, the whole “once burnt twice shy” thing. Birdman, how do I know what I would regret more? Going out with him, seeing if a friendship can turn into more, or not going out with him and wondering what would have happened had I taken the chance? I also feel bad about Daniel though, I’m really hurt that he’s not affected but even thinking abiout going out with Carlos makes it seem like I didn’t care about him at all since I’m “bouncing back” so fast. Then, I’d also be ignoring his advice as a friend, Daniel told me to watch out for Carlos because he’d “try to make a move” on me, Daniel hardly knows Carlos, although he was jealous of the guy before, maybe he still is. Carlos has grown up a lot over the summer and I don’t know if I should go out with him, we’re compatible but can my heart take it anymore?
(a) I was going to say something vaguely reassuring along the “keep a stiff upper lip, you’ve got your head screwed on right” lines, but others have already done so much better than I could
(b) re Carlos, here’s my input, for what it’s worth. If he’s someone with whom something could really happen in the medium-to-long term, then he’ll be willing to some time until the rebounding is over, and he’ll understand why that might be necessary. (How long that time should be is a mystery to me…) Seems very little to lose that way, and very much to gain…
Kitty: There’s no way to know what might have been. All you can do is weigh your options and make a decision. Once you do you must live with your choice and make the best of it, it seems to me. Also, your feelings now might color your memories of your feelings from before, but that doesn’t necessarily negate them. You had some good times with Daniel, and nothing can change that. At some unknown point in the future (see above), you’ll be able to look back on them fondly as opposed to bittersweet. All I can suggest is that you think it all over very carefully. I’d say trust yourself and try not to second guess yourself, because that leads to regret and regret, while sometimes unavoidable, always weighs you down. This again, needless to say, is merely this bird’s opinion.
Just a little update, I am going out with Carlos now, I sat down and thought about Carlos and Daniel for a whole night. I went over it in my head dozens of times, if not many, many, more. I decided that going on with my life is the only thing I can really do, I realized that no matter how much I’d love to be able to get Danny back I can’t change the way he feels so I resolved it with myself. I’m almost completely okay with that subject now. I also thought that if Carlos has spent an entire year liking me, even through my crush on James and my relationship with Danny then there are some pretty strong emotions involved. I realized that I love him as a friend and I’m getting to like him as more than a friend. So I said I’d go out with him and so far, despite our differences in age and all that, it’s working out. Wish me luck.
Me? become an alcoholic? Not if Carlos can help it. I did have the tendency to get a little tipsy when I was in Mexico, I was with my family so I knew I couldn’t really get into too much trouble, I did anyway but that’s a different story. I was telling Carlos some stories about Mexico a while back and now that we’re going out he made me promise not to drink when I go to Mexico next summer. Ain’t that sweet? He really watches out for me, even when I couldn’t really eat after breaking up with Danny. He’s a sweetie ain’t he? Oh yeah, the sonnet he wrote me, I’ll probably post it in a few other threads too but here it is the first time around:
AMOR DE VIDA
Veo una luz que handa por el cielo
Resplendor que apareces en mis sueños
Quiero estar cerca, pero estoy tan lejos
Pienso en ti, pero duele hacerlo.
Rosa que creces en el desierto
Tus labios hypnotisan mi corazon
Te veo a los ojos y pierdo la razon
Te amo tanto, y es cierto.
Tu pelo como de fina seda
Tus labios dulces como la dulce miel
Daria todo por estar contigo.
Duele cada dia que no estas
Cuanto deseo la dulcura de tu corazon
Duermo soñando que estas conmigo.
If anyone wants a translation feel free to ask, it’s really really sweet and romantic.
Kitty, I certainly hope everything works out with you and carlos, and if it doesn’t you have enough support from everyone here so that we could probably seriously hurt him.
That sonnet was soooo sweet…did he just write it just because? That’s so unlike most guys.
I actually had a question, sort of related to your posting, but I’m not sure, and I’m too shy to start a thread of my own at this point…
Have you ever been really good friends with a guy who likes you more than as a friend, but you just can’t see him in that way?
Thanks for the support JediGirl, though I believe Carlos would hurt himself before he ever hurt me. You can be first to hurt my ex though, I’ll let you cut in front of the five guys who already offered.
Yeah, I’ve had a guy friend like that, he used to walk me home everyday, even though he lived in almost the opposite direction, and we would have telephone conversations that lasted for hours almost on a nightly basis. Then he told me he like me, I thought he was a great guy, but he was just a friend. I was too used to messing around with him and not having to really worry what people would think because we’re just friends. I thought he was a wonderful conversationalist and I loved him to death… but not in that way. I told him so, we were still friends but it never was quite the same between us. However, I liked a guy that didn’t like me back in that way and we stayed friends for the longest time, we’re still really good friends actually.
Hope it helps a little.
Let me begin by saying that the above was a total asshole thing for me to say. And while it seems as though either nobody noticed or bothered to remark on it, I feel like shit. So Kitty, even though you didn’t call me on it, I was a dick and I want to apologize to you. I’m glad to hear that your situation has improved and I hope that this thread helped in that regard. If so, I am proud to have been a part of it.
To anyone utterly baffled by this post: please ignore me; I’m on my own trip. But this was something I absolutely needed to say.
We now return to our regularly scheduled thread, already in progress.
Birdman, don’t worry about it, it’s really not too terribly bad. It’s better than what my ex would say. He thought that just because I drink in Mexico and I know what it’s like to be buzzed and not care about anything but keeping the beat of the song that’s playing I was half way to becoming an alcoholic. And ya know in my darkest hours, when I was truly depressed about wasting 7 and a half months of my life to a guy that I can’t even be sure really loved me, I did think about it. I thought about just blasting my stereo and sitting back with a couple shots of tequila. “Si no se te quita se te olvida” they say in Mexico, if it doesn’t go away you’ll forget about it. I really did want to forget about it, let the alcohol cleanse me of the memories, but I couldn’t do that. I knew that I at least had Rachel and Carlos there that cared about me. I knew, not only in my mind but in my heart too, that Carlos cared about me, that he loves me so much that he would hurt himself before he even thought about letting anything hurt me. I knew that I couldn’t let myself fall into that trap, I knew that alcohol wouldn’t solve anything and that with my friends I could go on…
Birdman, I can only hope that you find someone that will make you feel that way, that you can trust and love with all your heart knowing that that person feels the same way.
Kitty: You’re right, I think, although it seems to me that getting properly bombed on occasion can have amazing therapeutic effects. The key thing to remember, of course, is moderation. And also safety.
I had something of an epiphany on Saturday night. A while back in this thread I related a tale of an evening I spent with an ex-girlfriend and the guy she left me for. I was surprised that the bitterness I had felt for them had vanished. Afterwards, once the feeling of happiness I had in the immediate aftermath disappeared, I found myself wondering what had happened. I thought about it so much that it started to bother me, and I wondered if I hadn’t been fooling myself. So this past weekend they invited me to join them on a trip to an amusement park. I went, had a great time, and afterwards we talked it all out. In the process we ironed out all the misunderstandings that had been standing in the way of us becoming real friends, as opposed to uneasy ex’s. It amounted to the difference between spending time together because we enjoyed it rather than out of some kind of feeling of obligation. I walked away feeling that the matter had been put to rest. In fact, I was so eager to enjoy this new sense of release that I could hardly wait to sleep so that I could get up and rush into the new day. It was then that I reviewed that post and was consumed by feelings of guilt, hence my post above. I realized that I had written it from a misplaced bitterness. And like I said, the fact that it seemingly went unnoticed by all did not matter. I was wrong, I knew it and wanted to try to atone for it. So that’s that.
That’s it for the self-flaming. I believe I’ve fully expunged it from my system. And thank you for the well wishes. I think I’ve finally made the attitude adjustment necessary for me to really move on.
Also, it sounds like you’re fortunate enough to have good friends. That’s good, and it’s also good that you realize it. I consider myself similarly blessed.
I’m so happy for you Birdman, you’ve proven yourself to be a great guy and I’m so happy that you have gotten over that bitterness. I think that’s still going to take me a while, especially because I still talk to my ex and every time we talk about the break up I find more and more reasons why I should hate him, but I just end up hating myself more because I can’t. He told me, and I quote “i dumped you on part that you were too much yourself” How could he do that? And he said in that same conversation that up until a month ago he did truly love me. How do you love someone but leave them because they act like themselves? My best friend, Rachel, just says that she doesn’t understand him, and I don’t either. But every time that he makes me hurt I just tell myself that…
“No man is worth your tears, because the only one who is will never make you cry.”
I’ve learned that although I’ll never stop loving him, because love doesn’t die, I’m better off with Carlos. Because Carlos loves me, and though I never thought about him in this way before, I love him too. I hope that some day I can be friends with Daniel like you are with your ex but it seems that at least he has a little bit of growing up to do before we can really be friends. Not to mention that I could use some healing time, preferably crying in Carlos’ arms.
You may well become friends with Daniel someday. As you say, it probably won’t be soon. It took me almost two years to get to where I am with Eileen (the aforementioned ex). We broke up on October 8, 1998 (the fact that I remember the exact date probably says something in itself. I just don’t know what it says). It was a long and painful process but I’m really glad I toughed it out. Giving up would have been easier, but this is better. It’s triumphant.
And it’s perfectly logical that you don’t understand his saying that you acted too much like yourself. It’s logical because that makes absolutely no sense. How can you not act like yourself? Why would you want to? Why would anybody? (This excludes actors portraying roles, naturally.)
The biggest thing I’ve learned from it all: to hate takes energy, strength, concentration. To love is free, simple, as natural and effortless as breathing. It’s so much easier to love than to hate.
jedi girl, i’ve had a friend like that. she saw me only as a friend uptill a while ago. i know wat your going thru. my advise is to just hang on a little bit longer. everything worked out fine for me and the girl i like. we’ve been going out for a week and a day and i feel great. this was all because i hung on. if your friend is not in a relationship, then tell him you like him. better you than someone else.
Kitty: i’m glad you decided to go out w/ Carlos. i wish you good luck. i know what he was going thru, so i can relate to how he feels.
Alchasehy, thanks for the vote of approval. Thanks to everyone really, at first I was a little doubtful about everything but ya know, I don’t regret it. He loves me with all his heart and I love him back just as much.
Birdman, It does take more effort to hate, but if he’s going to mess around with my emotions it might just be worth the effort. He thinks I’m too much myself because I learned early on in life that other people’s opinions of me realy don’t matter. I’m okay with teachers, I’ll listen after arguing for a while if I truly feel I’m in the right, but he hated that. He couldn’t stand the fact that I didn’t like the beaten path, I didn’t want to be “average” I was labeled gifted early in life and all the ditzy girls sickened me. the few with opinions I could talk to but most were just sheep that followed the crowd. I didn’t like to be a sheep and danny couldn’t take that. Now if that’s being too much myself is it really a bad thing?
At the risk of getting syrupy, let me just say that being yourself is the best thing to be. IMHO, people who try to emulate others are usually trying to fill a void (often imagined or exaggerated)in themselves.
What was that credit card commercial? Being happy with who you are: priceless. I think that says it well, so what if it’s merely crass unadorned commerce. (What is it about this particular thread that brings out all my $5 vocabulary words?)
Terribly sorry for neglecting my own thread Birdman.
Learn to love the vocabularly words and they will learn to love you.
I guess you’re right, it better to love me for being me than to change for anyone else. Refusing to be a sheep is part of what makes me the person that I am and I don’t think I’d change that for anyone.
I think that I’m going to get over it sooner than I though. Danny and I went to knott’s scary farm with a pair of friends and we talked and did stuff while I cowered in fear behind him and I really think we could grow to be friends again, maybe not as close as before, or maybe closer, but in a different way. But it looks like we can at least be alright with each other now. Though growling at him is still fun.
