“First, assume a spherical cow.”
“You are too loose, Lautrec!”
“Oh, I know that, sir. She’s got nice tits, too!”
“These are the tines that fry men’s soles!”
‘Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that chewed the new shoes?’
The way I heard it was “Is that the cat who ate your new shoes?”
I think Jimmy Stewart told the story on The Tonight Show.
‘Cat that chewed the new shoes’ sounds closer to ‘Chattanooga’. 
(I read the joke in The San Diego Union when I was about 10.)
“Is the bar tender here?”
“It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames.”
“Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.”
“Bartender, gimme a Bud and a mop!”
That reminds me of:
‘Why the long face?’
So you can tell whether you’re coming or going.
‘Because they don’t have balls to scratch.’
“He blew Reveille every morning.”
“This is the Newton Point Lighthouse. Your call.”
“The bed broke.”
“I was talking to the duck.”
‘Oh, I’m sorry! Are you two whales from Scotland?’
“Dammit, I missed!”
‘Oh, yeah? Fluck you, round-eye!’