No, you need to accept that you will only be friends and try to make yourself happy with yourself. You need to not think negative and feel that you have to resign yourself to being a friend.
Imagine briefly that you had named yourself Sklad the Rhymer. How would yourpostss be different?
You may use zombies in your answer.
Actually, you might have ruined that as well.
And that’s necessary to say, why? How bad does he need to feel? He’ll know where he stands when she does or doesn’t reply.
Some people have never met a pile-on that they can’t wait to jump on, simple as that…
You’re right, I probably shouldn’t have said it – or at least not so harshly. But I think etv still seems to think that this is the kind of thing that’s “no big deal, if she doesn’t like my proposal, we can still be buds!” Well, no, it’s not like that.
I’ve had guys do this to me too, and no, the friend thing never worked. And what’s worse, I was given major guilt trips for NOT liking him. Well, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t work that way.
Basically, it’s a suggestion of “don’t act too hastily, especially if you value this person’s friendship.” Because you’ll lose that as well.
Well, you know this isn’t the end of the story, right? It’s the beginning–a wake-up call.
You sound a bit like you’ve “given up” on improving yourself. Don’t. There are always options.
One day about ten years ago, I had a major, major setback and was pretty much kaput for four years straight. I’m disabled, too, and I was waiting for a new wheelchair in those four years, effectively making me bed-ridden. I don’t know what I did all day every day, but I wasn’t productive–I was a mess. I had zero self-esteem, though I didn’t know it at the time.
In the year I got the new wheelchair, I met someone who made me feel like a whole person. We’d go out together for dinners and concerts and movies; I’d go to her place for lunch or dinner. We were a big part of each others’ life. Except I wanted more, and apparently she didn’t, since she started a relationship with someone else in the midst of it all.
At that point I realised that life was too short to wait around for other people to provide me with the happiness I was after. I dusted myself off and re-enrolled in the degree I quit six years earlier.
Where am I now? I’m getting my PhD and I couldn’t be happier. I’m actually living my personal dream–saving for a deposit on a house, networking with some of the most interesting people in the industry and just generally having a great time. Amazingly, people now seek me out–I’m no longer the yappy dog at the big dog’s feet begging for affirmation–I am one of the big dogs.
I’m not in a relationship right now, but that no longer bothers me. I feel whole already because I’ve repaired my self-esteem and built the life for myself that I always wanted. One day a relationship may (or may not) happen, but right now I’m busy enough as it is.
Now, I’m not saying you need to get a PhD to substitute for a relationship. But what I am saying is that no matter how hopeless things seem for you, there’s always a path that will take you to where you need to be.
What’s the single step you could take to get you on that path? Don’t over-think this, just do something–anything–that will work to begin improving yourself. Believe me, the rest will follow.
It sounds trite, but like the Stones said, you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need. And that’s the goal.
If I may derail this by asking a few questions to Guinastasia by assuming that she’s played the role of the lusted-after before?
1 - You know for the most part who you keep in the friend zone, right?
2 - It’s flattering to a certain degree, no?
3 - The worst part about keeping platonic friends is once they summon up the courage to make a move and you have to shoot them down, right? The friendship is irreparable at that point, right? Continuing to be friends is pretty much like being friends with an actual ex-gf/bf except you’re swapping out jealousy with guilt.
That’s all she’s here for. Ever. Anywhere.
If two people of the opposite sex like and respect each other but communicate reasons that there won’t be a romantic relationship, (and here’s the good part) BOTH agree to that situation, then all is well.
If there is a situation where one person wants a romantic relationship, and the other person (usually the chick) wants a friendship, no matter how much bullshit that is exchanged back and forth, it won’t work. One party has a fundamentally different desire for the relationship than the other party. The party that wants the relationship can convince himself that he is fine with a friendship but holds on (like the OP) for years for his unrequited love.
Ladies…if a guy tries to get in your pants or otherwise expresses a romantic interest in you, he is not your friend. He is a suitor. If you don’t want that, let him go. Your fun with having a latte with him at Starbucks is not sufficient to keep him thinking that something COULD happen.
Yes on all three. In my case, I’ve tried being friends – it didn’t work out.
This experience does not match mine.
It really depends on how willing the guy is to switch modes (especially in his own head).
I would mostly agree with this, but I’d say it’s often an unspoken thing that if I were ever to change my mind I’d get no arguments. That’s cool and I can live with that, it’s the neediness and / or the constantly bringing it up that wears very thin with me. I’ve had some friendships flame out, and I’ve had some (a few) move from friendzone-> more than friends -> back to friendzone. Mostly they stick around and respect my limits for which I am thankful. I have some incredible friends.
So you keep your back burner full, is what you’re saying.
That’s not at all what I’m saying, and I think it’s interesting that’s the interpretation you’ve come up with.
I interpreted it to mean, “I know some would still want to date me, but if they respect the parameters of our friendship, that’s not an issue.”
I tend to agree, so long as the woman also plays by those same rules. I’ve seen (and experienced) situations where the guy does indeed back-off and play by the friendship rules, but the woman misses the attention and continues to flirt and behave “more than friends,” even when she’s adamant that she just wants friendship. That’s not fair to the guy.
As long as both parties move only within the friendship boundaries, however, it’s usually fine.
I missed my edit window and lost my addendum but in short -
What I am saying is that it is quite possible to maintain mixed-sex friendships, even in cases where there may be a one-sided crush. I am saying it is mostly a matter of respect and expectations (such as the expectation that you may be owed romantic interest for being a dutiful friend), and that I’ve been very fortunate to have had a number of males in my life that were able to put their appreciation of me as a person first and genuinely enjoy my company as a human being. The genuine appreciation is of course mutual and reciprocated.
You are 100% correct, Lobot and I agree with you that the boundaries must be maintained on both sides. I too have seen the behavior you are referring to and point to that as reason #32 I always say women are evil. Why do you think most of my friends are dudes? 
:smack:
That also falls under the respect I mentioned above. It’s very disrespectful for a woman to toy with a man in that manner.
Lobot-THANK YOU for post 107! I’m in the process of returning to college, hopefully onto a M.Ed, to teach Gov’t. Look for posts I written about my life from earlier parts of the past decade to get a sense where my life has been lately.