Curiosity Kills Her, I think you’re using a different definition of friendzone than I am. The friendzone (at least in my experience and observations) is a very immutable state and rarely do people hop from friendzone to hook-up.
Sure there may have been guys that you met and didn’t date immediately, or even wanted to date immediately that eventually grew on you. However, those guys are on a different list than guys in the friend zone. Friend zone guys never like your current bf, builds his social calendar around yours, doesn’t mind doing boyfriendy things for you like hold your purse, help you move/study/kill spiders, and is perpetually single.
Point taken, and I will leave the guys that “grew on me” out of the friendzone discussion. That said - some of your friendzone definitions are not applicable to me. For the majority of my life there has been no current boyfriend, and I don’t hire hitmen for my spiders. I catch and release on my own. I do get what you’re saying though.
I dunno. I think I have some ‘friendzone-y’ friends, but to hear you tell it a friendzone friend is more like a puppy ;). I have none of those. I do have people willing to go the extra mile and bend over backwards for me, but that speaks to the kind of friend I am to them, I think. What goes around comes around, and all that.
Crickey, I was in this situation last year. However, I was the one being fancied, and not the fancier (sorry about the poor phrasing - ‘fancier’ sounds rather ridiculous). Well…it was an unmitigated disaster, through and through. Honestly. Dreadful!
The whole thing led to complications galore, and ended in an injured friendship that is yet to fully recover. A friend of mine likened the situation to torture : A rather dramatic analogy. Although, I see know that hanging about with your significant (and somewhat, unmitigated) PLATONIC other, is a recipe for confusion.
Sure, this guy is my friend, but the friendship is underpinned/encroached by certain, unmentionable feelings. And worse still, most people have this unhealthy yearning for things just out of reach.
Anyway, I think the whole thing is hooey. I’d advice you to get drunk and spill your guts. At least that way, you can get everything off your chest. Undoubtedly, the aftermath will be messy and uncomfortable, but surely honesty is necessary in any friendship. -No point agonising about whether a fun evening out is REALLY a fun evening out, or a potential crossroad that will change the rest of your life for ever and ever, ahem.
-She’s either a pal, or she isn’t.
When people try to get me as a blind date for one of their friends I always tell them that, while I will happily go out with just about anyone, I only date people with whom I am having sex.
This is usually met with shocked exclamations from which ever woman/women are doing the match making.
This thread however, emphasizes the wisdom of my dating rule.
Actually, I think this bit of information; while not necessarily relevant to this particular scenario, is relevant to the larger picture.
Many, many disabled people (woman in particular) are very resistant and, in many ways prejudical, about the concept of dating another disabled person. I’d say that knowing she is also disabled, on top of everything else that has been shared here, completely cements your position of being forever in the “friend zone”.
While I am not going to get into the “whys” of this phenomenon; it is most certainly true.
I was divorced when I was 40 yrs old after 20 yrs of marriage. My wife left me for a bad boy type, he told her everything she needed to hear and took all her money and some of mine.
I was devasted and jealous at the same time. For a couple of years I transformed myself to be like this guy, I had plenty of women who were not really my type and soon foundmyself again. Be happy with who you are and your chances of finding the right one will improve greatly. As mentioned above, work on improving yourself. Once you start to like yourself you will become more attractive.
One thing I’ve learned since my divorce and dating: People use the “so busy!” excuse all the time and it’s just not true. If someone is really into you, they will make the time to get back to you.
My take is it’s easier for her to say “friends” because she doesn’t want to tell you the stuff you’ve heard in this thread. I think that by your longing of her for 15 years… It’s not her you love but rather the idea of her you’ve created.
I’m not wanting to be harsh, but by excusing her saying she’s busy, you come off as still. Not. Getting. It.
I think it’s really true what you’ve read in this thread. Go out, live a live that makes you happy and you’ll become interesting. Neediness is not an attractant, confidence is.
Immerse yourself in you right now. Find what makes you happy. Love yourself the way you’ve loved her, the way you want to be loved.
1 - Even if you did get her, you will almost certainly forever be the lover and she the love-ee. Wouldn’t you overall be happier with someone who reciprocated equal (or at least similar) amounts of desire and attraction?
2 - Of all the people in all the world, what are the odds that your true love was also the girl who went with you to junior prom?
3 - How do you know she’s too busy from work and that you’re still “friends” ? If she had time to tell you that but not tell you yea/nay for the wedding or if you two should date, that means a pretty solid yet passive aggressive “No”
4 - Sometimes, it’s just not your fault. It has nothing to do with you being unattractive or undesirable. It’s on her. She may be against dating other disabled people. Maybe she has an unhealthy crush of her own. Maybe she loves the attention but loathes intimacy. You can’t let your life domino its way into depression for something out of your control. If she’s not interested, move on regardless of reason.
pancakes-great post! To answer #3 thouh. She works with kids putting on shows, and they had one last week. As to stilll being “friends”: I’d think that if I so weirded her out, she would’ve “defriended” me. I see her on my feed so I know she didn’t.
You think someone you’ve been friends with for over a decade would defriend you on Facebook because you weirded her out? I don’t see most people doing that. If she’s going to defriend you, I imagine she’ll let you know first before just dumping you. I think maybe it’s not really sinking in with you for some reason, but the fact that it’s taken her this long to respond to something so important almost certainly means she is weirded out and is desperately thinking of a way to let you know it without hurting you too much. Sorry to be blunt, but these kinds of things can kill friendships. You’ve put her in a situation where she basically can’t win.
It’s also trivially easy to take someone off your news feed so that you don’t see them unless they post directly to your wall or you look for them. Or just to ignore someone–that’s what I would do if someone weirded me out–I’d just stop reading their posts without actually doing anything about it. But then, I’m not really that into facebook, so it’s really easy to ignore, whereas changing someone’s setting would take effort.
Trying to figure out her reaction based on your relative Facebook status isn’t really working for me either. Putting myself in her shoes for a sec, I’d probably ignore things for a while since I wouldn’t want to deal with it, and then at some point deal with it quickly and as painlessly as possible, like pulling of a bandaid.
I think it would be good for your to realize that you’ve potentially put her in a very uncomfortable position, one that may force her to make an unpleasant choice. You may not have the option of going back to the way things were.
I do get what you’re saying though.