Work is the greatest antidote to sorrow.
There is no right answer to this. When I was young and lost an SO to a breakup I’d get drunk and get laid. It didn’t get rid of all the pain but it helped a little. Especially since I knew she was the one who fucked it up. I did all I could to make it work.
How about reaching out to others in pain. Listen to a story worse than your own.
Try this,
I searched for the right woman for most of my adult life. I finally found her when I turned 30. She was 26 and we were perfect together. I adored her and she me. For 12 years we were like peas and carrots. Still on our honeymoon. Crazy about each other, never spent a night apart from the time we met. Had two kids together a new home. Built a life for each other. Did boy scouts and band, little league and church…lots of community events and charities. You know the whole thing, just like a fairy tale.
Then a SOB in a suburban ran my family down and I lost everything, wife kids car home and most of my heart.
At least y’all can still be friends. 
Cheer up it could be worse.
I’m sorry Allistair…that was too rough forgive me. I still have bad days.
I understand the pain you’re going through. Knowing that others care about you and are concerned helps. It’s hard but getting back out there is probably the best thing you can do. Not romantically really, just go out with friends and do something. Writing about your feelings is also a good thing. Sometimes we can’t really say what we’re feeling. Believe me, I know.
Keep a journal or blog to express yourself. It’ll help. Food…is NOT a substitute for love. Please don’t go there. Get a dog.
You have sadness because you believe that she is so great a person.
She may be, but in re: you, she has no thought at all.
Do you remember when you saw me at the school where you go? No??
Well, that is exactly how she thinks of you, relationship-wise.
She isn’t laughing at you…she isn’t even thinking of you. All this stuff about remaining friends isn’t even on the table. If she does remember you 6months from now it will be as a whining stalker: “He keeps calling me! Whining to me about how much he misses me. I’ve already told him I don’t want to go out with him anymore. Why won’t he leave me alone??” Her new boyfriend: “I think that I’d better go over and straighten him out.” Her best friend: “So, who’s the new stud you’re seeing?”
This is what I keep in mind whenever I get the boot. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it helps me cope with it. And, since it is the way things actually are, it helps keep me grounded.
So, advice: Remember the above. QUIT calling her. If she calls you, don’t pick up the phone. IF she calls you, it is to see you squirm or grovel, not to go back to ‘being friends.’
best wishes,
hh
The simple fact that you habitually keep vodka in your fridge indicates to me that you possess good emotional survival instincts. You’ll be fine, my friend. 
Intially, I must admitt, the thought was on my mind. But I know her well enough to realize that the decision was well considered and that she is not going to revisit it. I think I can spend time with her as nothing more than a friend, in fact I think it may make it easier (as I said we were friends before, so losing a friend and a girlfriend at the same time would be just that much more difficult).
That is really good advice, thanks. I did start writing a journal, something I’ve been meaning to do for some time but have never had the motivation to actually start, and it has been helpful. I’ve found that I am not quite to the point where I can write about her yet, but just writing about everything else has been good.
And my deepest condolances for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine what you have endured.
I think that it is a vital part of anybodies survival kit. You know, bandages, bottled water, jumper cables, vodka…
I am not sure what kind of women you’ve dated handsomeharry but I cannot imagine ever dating anyone that vindictive. There was no anger involved in the breakup, merely a pragmatic recognition of reality. It was her suggestion that we remain friends and the reason I called her was not to pine after her but to get the phone number of the campus apartment that she will be moving into next week.
Not sure if this helps, but here goes:
Now is the time to heal and get healthy. Start an exercise program (even if its sit-ups) and do it daily. Eat better and healthier. Run if possible; see if there are 5 or 10 pounds that you really don’t need to carry around on you.
Also, Work is Good! throw yourself into what you do. Prioritize your career; find out what training or education you need to advance to where you want to be in 5 years and sign up for it.
Last but Not Least: Under no circumstances contact or respond to the girl. Ever. Really.
I suppose I am going to keep hearing this, but even if it is the best idea in the world it is just not something I am going to follow. The reasons that I fell in love with her in the first place are the same reasons that I was her friend before hand, and want to continue as her friend. I just don’t want to be a guy who can’t be friends with his ex’s.
The rest of your advice, on the other hand, strikes me as very sound.
Alistair McCello, I’m glad you like the rest of the advice. I wish you’d reconsider that last part though. Its nice to be able to say you are friends with your Exes… but its moving-on and looking-ahead time. Think about what the next girl who might like you is going to see when she sees you. Do you want to be seen as ‘needy’, ‘clingy’ or a ‘door-mat’? That’ll scare her off faster than painting yourself blue and chasing her, naked and screaming, with a snow-shovel. don’t try this at home :eek:
The vast majority of women whose posts I have read here indicated that they thought confidence was sexy. Confidence isn’t hanging on to the girl who clearly wants nothing more to do with you. Look, I know its easy to say and rips up your insides like a roto-tiller for you to do…but I honestly feel that its the best course of action.
Whatever you do, though, I wish you well.
Listen, hermano, I’m doing this for your good, not to make a jerk out of you. Don’t try to imply that all of the bizarre characters that I’ve dated were vindictive, because there was only one that fit that bill. Your feelings are hurt, but don’t take it out on a friend that is trying to help you. Listen to a master!
- There is no vindictiveness in her, and I did not indicate, neither try to indicate, nor ever think that there is/was. I said ‘no feelings,’ or words to that effect, not ‘hostile feelings.’ Please read my post. Let me give you some help. Go to a number line in the math department. Look at the positive numbers, and find their equidistant counterpart. Let the positive numbers represent romantic feelings for you. Let the negative numbers represent ‘vindictiveness.’ In the center of this line, you will find a ‘zero.’ Consider, really, not superficially, consider what zero means. That is where her feeling for you lies.
- “it was her suggestion…” I had that figured out, yes I did. Of course, the fact that you wrote as much in the OP helped me to that conclusion. And, btw, it wasn’t her suggestion. It was her decision. Keep this in mind.
- I’m glad that you weren’t pining for her, but why did you call her for the number to the apartment? Why do you think I said not to call her? I didn’t say “don’t call her to whine…” I said, don’t call her. Stop doing it! But you did, and anything was a good excuse for you to throw yourself at her majesty’s feet. If it was to get an apartment there yourself, get a phone book. If it was for her number, please reread, then memorize my post. Now, ditch her number. You ain’ta gonna forget her if you keep hanging on.
Listen, as I said earlier, this is for your benefit. I’ve been exactly where you are, ten jillion times, and I know that at best it can be painful, and at worst this kind of mooning can turn clinical. The sooner you consider YOU, instead of this woman that doesn’t care for your feelings, the sooner you can find the new babe!
best wishes,
hh
P.S. Listen to the good Count. Also, look inside yourself and find what compulsion it is that forces you to discount the 'best advice in the world." That is what separates you from her new BF, I’ll bet.
cruel to be kind and all that, plus more best wishes,
hh
If you’re so compatible as friends, you will remain friends even after a long period of separation – which is what I recommend from personal experience.
I wasted several good dating years convincing myself that my ex and I could be friends even though I still wanted to go out with her. Then I met a girl I really, really wanted to be with and I realized I couldn’t be hanging out with the ex anymore. Once I was no longer harboring the secret dream that my ex and I would get back together (a dream I held for about five years!) I realized that I didn’t really like her all the much anymore, and that I didn’t need her.
Although I have to admit that the Cat Stevens version of “The First Cut is the Deepest” made me tear up for years after that breakup. What a wuss I am.
That is one of the truest pieces of advice I’ve come across.
It’s been two years for me. Life is finally reasonably tolerable, but for awhile there I really really thought I wasn’t going to make it.
It will get better, really.
it just takes time… do the best that you can… follow the advice that works for you.
get drunk, get laid, get whatever it takes, just don’t get bogged down.
good luck
~JB
A follow-up to my earlier post. After talking with my old girlfriend of 30 years ago we exchanged emails. We talked about our lives after the breakup and I was suprised how badly she felt for me. Even though it was 30 years ago we both remember the emotion of the breakup and it gave us closure.
How cool is that.
While I do believe that exes can be friends, I also believe that a “cooling off period” beforehand is almost always necessary to have true friendship. Based on my experience, I’d say six months of no contact is probably about right.
When you are truly at peace with the breakup, and when you can honestly be happy for her when she finds someone new, then you can be friends again. Until then, staying in contact is likely just twisting the knife deeper and causing awkwardness for both of you.
I do apologize if I was reading into your post too much, I didn’t mean to come off as snarky there. And I do not doubt that you are giving me honest advice, but I suppose it is simply advice I am not willing to follow at the moment. Perhaps to my own detrement (I keep hearing the song Oh La La by The Faces as I read this thread…). Oh, and there is no ‘new boyfriend’ in the picture to compare myself to, it was very simply the case that she looked over the relationship and decided that it was unfair to both of us to continue.
Two words. Rebound sex. Lots and lots of anonymous rebound sex.
Take two brunettes and call me in the morning.
I like this advice. Rebound sex is to heartache as ibuprofen is to headache: it isn’t doing anything for the root problem, but goddammit, it sure works wonders on the symptoms. 