A Random Problem

The BBQ Pit
1

Ever noticed how to every problem, no matter what it is, there are replies like this?

{{{{{Doper}}}}}
i am so so so so so so sososososososo sorry! that is truly, honestly, seriously the most horrible thing that ever happened! you are too sweet a person to ever have to deal with anything as awful as this! if you want to talk to me, even though i’m a complete stranger, here’s my e-mail: randomloser@aol.com. keep us updated and don’t forget to smile because you never know who is falling in love with it!

[sub]I’m going to get my ass kicked.[/sub]

2

Well, we tried your method for a while, but

simply didn’t have the same feeling that we were trying to convey.

3

LoverBoy - ever think that some people really want to help? I offered help to a person not to long ago (although we didn’t really know each other) because I had been through exactly the same situation. (No, not the current MPSIMS thread, but one that involved an engagement that fell apart.)

I also had people reply to one of my threads asking for help, and not only recieved emails, I was also given phone numbers to call for help.

Sometimes it’s just nice to know there’s people who care when you’re suffering. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone not close to the situation to get an objective viewpoint. Sometimes it’s just nice to help another person.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with your example that you need to start a Pit thread. What about that bothers you. Personally, I think if more people IRL were as supportive and helpful to strangers as people I’ve seen here, the world would be better off.

4

Enh. I think, say, five years ago I would have been cheering you on.

Time does, though, move on, and it carries people with it. I’ve spent a bulk of it learning, from an intellectual grasp right down into my guts, the essential truth of Buddhism’s “First Noble Truth” (I’m not so sure about number Three, but Two and Four have strong points): life is suffering. I’ll wager you’re fairly young; in years to come, you will be hurt. Badly. And repeatedly. Because that’s what happens in life.

I can’t really fault people for doing their best to try to ease the amount of suffering in the world. I myself don’t tend to go the ((((((((hug total stranger))))))) route, just try to throw in some hopefully-germane advice from outsider-perspective. Sometimes that works, sometimes it backfires, sometimes it makes not a whit of difference. But it’s something to do.

Carry on.

5

What Crunchy said. :slight_smile:

6

I think Loverboy makes a good point.

The thing is, we’re in a forum here. When randomloser talks to Doper they’re in a public place where everything is broadcast. Like reality TV.

However the forum is not the only means of available communication. By the nature of our registration we have supplied an e-mail contact address.

So it is possible to make personal communications in a private setting. (This sometimes means an administrator will forward a message for you, and then you wait for the person who offered to buy you a beer when next in Sydney to reply, AKAmame hint hint).

But there is a rather disconcerting aspect that Loverboy indicates.

If you make very personal communications in a public forum, when you have other options available, it has the air of being done for show. Like the politician dishing out Christmas dinner at the homeless shelter. While the TV camera is present.

Certainly, in that public forum, a statement of support can have great power and be very helpful in itself (eg “Doper, that sounds really bad. I hope things get better for you soon”). And to have somebody take time out to offer more personal support would be strongly encouraging (“A friend had a similar experience, and I’d like to pass on some things she learned. I will e-mail you”).

But a sympathy with others that is couched in strong emotional terms, not based on a close relationship, and requiring little effort is frankly just sentimentality. And typing all those brackets in the hugs isn’t hard work.

Also there are those who exploit the sentimental side we all share. Here on this board, the recent Little Tassie debacle was an uncomfortable example of that.

The public nature of this place is also why flirting is so distasteful to all but the participants, and why “me too” posts are so irritating.

For many, the attraction of SDMB is the high quality of what is written here, the breadth of knowledge and the clarity, wit and creative thinking shown by the participants. Usually that requires some work and thought.

I think Loverboy’s challenge is not so much to those who respond with real and appropriate support as to the “easy way out” responses. The desire to help others is a wonderful thing; the desire to help others without any inconvenience to oneself is not nearly so wonderful.
Redboss

PS I now look forward to the post which will cite actual quotes from me being sentimental, flirty or “me too-ing”. You are all to ignore these, since I am never wrong. Thank you.

7

Whoo! Redboss, that was exactly what I was thinking but you put it into words so much better than I could have.

I personally wouldn’t reply to a thread just to give someone a hug and say “feel better!” like about 40 other people. I would only reply if I had something worthwhile to contribute (worthwhile = good advice). I wouldn’t give unsolicited advice, though.

I also wouldn’t post anything on the board that would get a response like that. I know that most of you probably mean it when you say, “I care so much about you even though I only read your posts and I’ve never met you in person! I hope your dog gets over his cold!”, but I think it sounds fake. For show, like Redboss said. If I got a bunch of replies that told me to feel better because I’m missed on the board (I’m sure I’d never be missed on the board, though), I would wonder if these weirdos have a life.

I realize that people are trying to be supportive and caring; I just wonder if the original post is asking for decent advice from those who have been in similar situations, or for hugs and kisses from complete strangers.

8

tom: I’m not against the people with problems. I’m just saying that the prefabricated “ohmigodi’msosorrythat’stheworstever!” responses seem, well, prefabricated.

Crunchy: If you don’t see what’s wrong with my example, take off the rose-colored glasses… Or some other idiom to that effect. If you were saying that this didn’t warrant a Pit thread, keep in mind I’m not flaming, just noting, and that this really belongs more in the Pit than MPSIMS or something else.

relic: Your “me-too”-ism demonstrates the point of my post rather eloquently. Thanks.

For those of you who didn’t understand my post, this is what I was trying to say :slight_smile: Nicely done, Redboss.

9

Any time m’boy!

Let’s gang up on some other little irritatin’ habits sometime soon, huh?

'boss