A story of two people who love each other but couldn't be together. (Long; breakup)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Um, you weren’t ‘demanding and entitled’. You were kinda played by someone who wanted a high drama romance without all the messy reality.

This is exactly why, pining after something that ‘almost was’ is never, ever a good idea. By the time you get it together you’ve already idealized a relationship that doesn’t even exist yet, in some ways. It’s really hard to have clarity when you’ve already clouded so much reality out of the picture.

It reflects badly on her character and intent that she let this go on this long like this. Definitely. But you should examine why it was okay for you, I think. You stayed pretty invested in this as a ‘(potential)relationship’, for years. And that reflects on you.

If you haven’t learned the down side of investing your energy in ‘pining’ over something not based in reality, after this, you never will!

Take the lesson, you earned it with your suffering! Wipe her from your thoughts, now and forever.

22

There is only one thing that gets me for those who are saying she never intended to move in in the first place. I’m not saying you all are wrong, but there’s one detail I should add.

She spent $600 in airfare and hotel to visit me that weekend (the hotel was an alibi for her husband, obviously) and without being asked, sent me several hundred dollars to cover half the rent for June. Why would she spend over $1200 on a fling that she knew was never going to turn into anything? She’s a high school teacher in a rough part of town. I know she doesn’t have money to throw around.

23

Well, Agent Foxtrot, you may be right that she did intend to come, but the part that concerns me is that you are still apologizing for her. You need to follow elbow’s advice and stop thinking about her, and move on with your life. The world is full of people and some of them don’t need or create drama.

24

The first $600 for the fun, the second $600 for the guilt.

I’m sorry,** Agent Foxtrot**. You’re a good guy. I hope you can come to terms with this and find someone drama-free who will appreciate you.

25

Who knows. She may have intended to come on some level. But she didn’t.

Imagine for a moment you meet a woman that you adore and are extremely compatible with, and after some time together she tells you that she would like to build a life with you.

Would you let anything stop you? Would you say “Oh let me think about it” and then drop off the map, marry someone else, abandon her in your would-be love nest and then make bizarre demands on her?

No. When you meet someone you want to build a life with, you just do it. I met my husband. We dated a while, decided it worked, and then got married. It’s literally that simple. That what millions of people do, give or take a speed bump. And she could have chosen that.

And she didn’t choose that. She consistently chose the exact opposite of building a life with you. And every day she wakes up and doesn’t choose a life with you.

I don’t know what she thinks she is doing or how she makes her decisions. But she has had ample opportunity to chose a stable, loving relationship with you, and she neatly avoided it every time.

26

She sounds like a flake.

27

I feel your pain.

It sucks.

I’ve had my fair of flaky women and they never get less flaky.

Do I learn from this?

Of course not!

Nothing really helps the pain - it gets better with time - and hopefully someday you’ll meet someone who you can have a real satisfying relationship with.

28

You’ve had two affairs with the same woman. There’s a reason why you’re drawn to unattainable women and you should really spend some time soul searching to figure out why you keep doing this to yourself. This story has been played out time and time ago but people just like you. The only thing missing in this tragedy is the inevitable $5000 loan to leave her abusive husband. She had her chance, multiple times, and she won’t plan a future with you because she doesn’t want to plan a future with you.

When the anger comes, and it will eventually, then you’ll hopefully know that you’re finally ready to be rid of the fantasy and move on to a real, honest, uncluttered relationship. Good luck to you.

29

I think she WAS tempted, that you MIGHT have won her over, pretty close to making that step. Ah, but not quite. So for all your longing and hoping and praying the best she could do was drag it out, much too long, then back out entirely. She spent money she didn’t have, mostly to convince herself she wasn’t being a cruel, manipulative human being. Even though she was, actually, in the right light.

Reading too much into her having dropped some coin on this affair, isn’t wise, in my humble opinion. Take care and good luck!

30

Whatever her faults she is doing you a huge favor by giving you the straight arm on taking this relationship any further. She does not judge you to be spiritually compatible with her and does not want to be with you in a committed relationship.

Within the boundaries of her life in Islam she is apparently taking her piety very seriously and judges (correctly in this case) that this is not a scenario you would or could sincerely invest in. For better or worse she is making the most rational choice she can in this situation. I know you see yourself as the wronged party here, but from the 20,000 foot view you have collaborated with this woman twice now (with her acquiescence) in seducing her away from her marriages.

Her husbands and her marriages may not have been ideal, but she freely and willingly chose them, and to be frank in both cases in the context of your infatuation with her you did not treat those relationships with due respect. If I was in her very devout shoes and trying to recover my ethical bearings you (effectively) are an attractive nuisance that keeps (with her cooperation) pulling her off course and she needs you out of the picture to proceed with that goal.

I’m not saying she is right or wrong but there’s more to this than just her need to wind up drama and play “dance puppets dance” with you. Your infatuation with her has made you somewhat blind to your own bad behavior here. Some aspect to her distancing herself from you may be that she fears making bad decisions when she is around you. It’s a two way street.

31

There’s a line from William Gibson about people who vacillate that has always stuck in my mind, “If they were going to do it, they would have done it already”. Applies a lot to relationships.

32

That’s weird enough, but imagine that an old love of yours was writing songs about you, without your knowledge, while married to another guy, for years, until one day you stumble on one of them online and connect all the dots (and subsequently find confirmation from her best friend-from back during your Happy Times who saw the original poem which eventually became the lyrics of said song. And there are at least 2 other prime candidates seemingly about you as well that you also stumble across).

You then try to reconnect, and, after what you thought was a cordial evening together, she then ignores you for six months, then, when you try one last email, then lies to you about the song, misrepresents your situation years ago, lies about everything, essentially. Then when you call her on her bee-ess thanks to her old friend’s confirmation, you never hear from her again.

That’s what happened to me.

33

Oh, wow.

I just read two articles that were way too familiar to this situation:

Future Fakers: Understanding Why Someone Fakes a Future With You

Understanding Why You Find It Hard To Get Over Someone That Future Faked and Fast Forwarded

This woman did both, Fast-Forwarded and Future-Faked. As soon as we reconnected, she went from not a word for several years to “I’m coming this week! Be ready!” She made grand promises about a future with me (including moving to Europe for grad school with me), then when it came time to act, she turned into a completely different person and stalled, misdirected, and fabricated problems.

I can’t believe I got so completely and thoroughly played. Perhaps, as both astro and the article said, she did in her mind have intentions of moving up and starting a life with me, but panicked when she finally had a moment to think about the promises she was making. But whether or not she was ever intending on moving in, I’ll never know. And I have to learn to be okay with never knowing that.

One repetitive behavior I’ve displayed in relationships throughout my life is that I’ll get too attached to someone for whatever reason (we had a missed chance in the past, I liked the way she played with my hair, the sex was fantastic, etc.) and I’ll begin to appease the person to try to make it work when she tries to back out. This means changing myself, conceding to outrageous demands, or playing the “cold shoulder game” (she gives me the cold shoulder, then I do it to her, rinse and repeat). I have always struggled with knowing when to stand my ground and when to compromise in relationships, as you can see displayed in the OP.

I’m still in the heartbroken grief phase. What I didn’t mention before was that I went to the ER the morning after the breakup because I wasn’t okay. I was given a prescription for anti-depressants. But I have basically been just existing in the house all week, devoid of any motivation to work, play, or see friends. I’m hoping the anger phase starts soon, because I need it.

34

You need to get past this “I was played” attitude. You went after a married woman twice trying to pull her out of her marriages and toward you. She was (and is) kind of flakey on certain levels and it didn’t work out, but this was a mutual dance with someone prone to somewhat extreme lifestyle choices. You need to take stock of your own questionable ethical choices in how this scenario played out over time. This is not all her.

You somehow think this could or would have ended well. I think you need to be grateful for the pass it is very unlikely there was a happy ending in store for you if you moved in together.

35

astro, please be kind. Note that during her first marriage, I made no attempts at her. I only revealed that I had a crush on her years later after I moved away, and she pursued it.

The second time, I was interested in reconnecting, but again made no moves other than a contact request on LinkedIn. When she said she remarried, I backed off. Again, she pursued. It’s all in the OP.

I’m not saying I wasn’t complicit in her cheating, but I did try to do the honorable thing both times and keep my distance romantically.

36

I understand, but you seem to have this “it all just happened” attitude and per your OP you made a concerted and very deliberate effort to insert yourself into this woman’s life in her first marriage. If you were a woman doing this to a man you’d be deemed a home wrecker. You are currently waiting for the “anger” phase but I think you need to go straight to gratitude to the powers that be for not being tangled up with someone who is in the throes of a difficult spiritual and emotional journey.

I will not comment further in this thread.

37

Block her number and then forget her number. I think you’re right that she’s holding you on retainer and you don’t need that. At this point, you need to take the initiative to end it–in that sense, she’s done you a favor intentionally or not. She left the door open a crack and you are now empowered to close it.

Which you should.

She’s made it clear it’s over, so do what’s best for both of you and actually make it a clean break.

38

Oh, please. That was a load of excuses on her part.

39

Count your blessings, she’s a serial cheater, and you lucked out.

40

nm, wrong thread