I don’t think she had any intention of coming in the first place. The fact that she hadn’t submitted her resignation as of two days before she was supposed to leave is extremely telling.
Also, god help me, I partly agree with astro. You had intimate conversations with her and were her confidante during her first marriage, and you can close twice to doing something physical. She was still married when you confessed your feelings for her.- distance doesn’t matter, as you found out later- and whatever was going on between the two of you was inappropriate enough that you cautioned her to be careful and wouldn’t have been surprised if her husband tried to kill you. You went on to pick up exactly where you left off the second time around, resulting in you actually having sex with her.
This had disaster written all over it from the start, and now you don’t even have happy memories of the delayed sex to comfort you, because there’s too much baggage around it. I don’t think you behaved honorably, and continuing to tell yourself that will only make it harder to put this behind you, because it lets you put all the blame on her. If you take just a percentage of the blame, you open yourself to seeing why you repeatedly put yourself in this position.
And please, please, please don’t ever contact her again.
I had a hand in destroying both of her marriages, regardless of what state of decay they were already in. And now that it has hit me, I feel absolutely awful for her.
It’s no wonder she never came, intentioned or not.
No; she got exactly what she wanted from the relationship. You didn’t behave particularly well, but she was hardly a poor preyed upon innocent. You learn from it, you move on, you vow to do better next time; anything else is wallowing. And to echo Fenris and others, lose her number, block her emails, get rid of any way you have of either of you contacting each other, otherwise in a year’s time you or she will be tentatively in touch “to hope you’re doing OK”, and you’ll be straight back on her merry-go-round.
Quit feeling sorry for her. She cheated on two husbands. She led them on and lied to them, just like she did you. She never had ANY intentions of following through with the plans she made with you. She’s not a nice person.
The cat, the last minute job offer, the newfound devotion to Islam are all excuses, and not even very convincing ones. The cat? Let’s see, if all that was standing in the way of my happiness was a cat, I’d find a way. How easy would it have been to return to her hometown, wait until her husband left, then grab her damn cat? So freaking simple. And the whole last-minute “resignation,” only to be surprised with a job offer that she wasn’t qualified for is just so much bullshit. (Unless she’s sleeping with the decision maker.)
Listen, I think it’s obvious from your OP that you’re completely romanticizing this relationship. You were never soul mates. She used you. She led you on. She induced you to buy a home you couldn’t really afford, then abandoned you. This should be a Pitting, not a “We’re star cross lovers” thread.
I repeat: She’s not a nice person. And you are better off without her.
Truer words were never written. What Shodan says here dovetails nicely with what even sven says; if she was going to do it she’d have done it already.
The long form of their advice is this; a person’s values are determined by their actions and not their words. Words are cheap. Where a person spends their time, effort and money is what they truly value. The young and inexperienced place far too much value on words, and not enough value on actions. A woman who loves you will act on it; she will want to be with you, will do nice things for you, make love to you, show you off to her family, follow you on your interests and invite you to participate in hers. Most importantly she will want to physically be with you. If she does not, she does not truly love you. So there’s your lesson.
AF, this hurts a lot, and I truly sympathize with you. In time, you will find someone who genuinely loves you and wants to be with you. This woman did not, and you’ll also eventually find the wisdom to see that she was not who she wanted you to think she was.
I have loves like this in my past. Not the same story, different stories, but the theme is always the same; a person is what they do and not what they say, and some people just lie and cheat and they don’t change. You’ll see this eventually. Oh, this’ll hurt for awhile. Soon it’ll hurt less. And one day you’re going to wake up and realize that not only do you not love her anymore, but you’ll feel a bit silly you ever did. Happened to me, happened to my spouse, happened to my best friend, happens to most of us. Yeah, you got played, though she’s playing herself even worse. It’s part of being a grownup. It will make you a better boyfriend/husband when a better woman comes along.
Still, I know it hurts. It’s supposed to hurt, that’s how it teaches you. Go get drunk or play blackjack or something.
I do appreciate the hard dose of reality, and I’m not being sarcastic when I say that. I guess my only question is: why? She could’ve come for her weekend piece and ended things as soon as she left. Was I a backup plan in case she found her belongings on the sidewalk when she got home? Since that didn’t happen, why lead me on for a month and a half? I’m not saying you’re wrong; I’m just trying to figure out what her motivations were. There was one day when I was a little pissed at her and didn’t immediately respond to her texts. She texted me 9 times and a few times on Hangouts. And this was only two weeks ago. What was she after?
And just one point of clarification: I rented a new house, not bought. I can afford it for a few months while I look for a roommate. One thing I was very careful to do was not send her money or make any extreme purchases with her in mind.
She was doing it because of what it made her feel. She liked being pursued, being pined after, nothing more. Her motivation was it felt good for her, THAT’S why she strung it along so long!
But you’re focused on the wrong part. You need to focus on why YOU were willing to be strung along for so long. What was it doing for you? It clearly filled some need you have, in some way, or you would never have let it go on this long.
This bears repeating. Very concise and to the point. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it explained better. It becomes about the story, and not the people.
Without knowing her, I’d guess this was the case. Sounds like you being there to provide a safety net gave her the courage she needed to take drastic action, like leave her husband or leave her job. Unfortunately for you, after she leapt, she landed in another place, and once there, she had no use for a safety net anymore.
[QUOTE=Agent Foxtrot]
There was one day when I was a little pissed at her and didn’t immediately respond to her texts. She texted me 9 times and a few times on Hangouts. And this was only two weeks ago. What was she after?
[/quote]
WAG? She liked the attention.
[QUOTE=Agent Foxtrot]
And just one point of clarification: I rented a new house, not bought. I can afford it for a few months while I look for a roommate. One thing I was very careful to do was not send her money or make any extreme purchases with her in mind.
[/QUOTE]
I’m very glad to hear that. You’ve had enough pain in your life for awhile.