“Once upon a time, Jack,” exhaled Nathan “I used to date Bonnie.”
Jack’s eyes had widened, face and ears turned red…
Perspiring heavily in the early stages of ice cream poisoning, Jack’s pupils began to dilate as Nathan continued, “She was the only woman I ever loved, but she never stopped loving you.”
“Quick…call…ambulance…”, Jack gasped.
“Really, what was your secret?” continued Nathan, “I mean, I tried and tried to win her love and adoration, but I think she just sort of… well… her heart wasn’t completely in it, and she was always talking and talking about you, how great a lover you were and how sweet and generous you were, and how you used to do that thing that made her howl at the moon like a wolf… I just don’t get it…”
“So you’re plan was to off me so you could have her to yourself!?” Jack though it ironic how his life was playing out like the soap operas he used to watch along side his now deceased ex.
“Tut tut, Jack. That’s not it at all. I merely wanted her to see how you live in utter squalor and filfth now so that she’d get you out of her system once and for all. How was I to know she’s be exposed to the dreaded hantavirus in your miserable little den.”
“Unbeliebable!” Jack yelled. “You don’t even care that she’s dead?!?”
Viscous mucous began oozing out of Jack’s ice cream poisoned pores.
“Why should I?” the ersatz detective sneered. “She never loved me anyway. Now shut up and die already!” he shouted, giving Jack a heavy kick in the…
…xiphoid process.
“Yoooowwwwwwwwww!” cried Jack, self-explanatorily.
Zzziip Nathan didn’t realize his fly was down the entire time.
As he slowly slips out of consciousness, Jack’s life flashed before his eyes.
Bravely, Jack made an effort to stand, but fell forward, knocking Nathan down.
CRACK! Nathan’s head hit the pavement with a sound like thunder and consciousness faded from both men.
Daylight was slowly fading as the sun slid behind the mountains, in the distance the forlorn call of a coyote could be heard.
Eventually, a tumbleweed rolled by.
For a while, nothing happened. And then suddenly, dramatically…
God Himself appeared before the two men!
He sayeth: “You’re both idiots. Bonnie wasn’t who you thought she was…”