Red Morgan Bonney, I am! Passion is, apparently, a big part of my life, arrgh. 
Say, that’s a nice swash you have there…Maybe I could unbuckle it one of these days? 
Mad Sam Cash
We’re all mad, mad I tell you!
Wonder exactly what made us cranky?
So these 2 pirates are drinking in a bar. The younger one notices his drinking companion is pretty beat up - a hook, pegleg, eyepatch. So he asks him how he came by his injuries.
(Leaving the pirate argot to those of you who do it better than I) The old pirate says, “I lost me leg on my first voyage. I happened to fall overboard right into a school of sharks. Just as I was being hauled back on board, a great white leaped up and took off my leg.”
“Wow!” says the youngun. “And the hook?”
“Well, that happened on me first voyage after I was fitted with me peg. We boarded a merchant vessel. The fighting was fast and furious, and a fellow lopped me hand off just as I run him through.”
“Oh my!” says his companion. “And the eyepatch?”
“I had just gotten out of me sickbed after osing me hand, and was back on board. I heard a sound overhead and when I looked up, a seagull shat in me eye.”
“Wait a minute! You lose your leg to a shark, and then your hand in combat. After going through all that, you’re going to tell me that you lost your eye to a mere bird dropping?”
“Well, you see, matey. It was me first day with me new hook.”
Thank you. Thank you.
Black Anne Cash.
How cool.
Black Anne Flint here. (I told 'em my favorite color is black.)
“Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Like the rock flint, you’re hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you’re easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!”
All righty, ya scowlin’ sons o’ landlubbers! Into me cabin and unbuckle yer swash! Arrr!
Oh, darn! Cosmopolitan got to the swash-unbuckling joke before I did!
So…were there pirates in Shakespeare?
I be Iron John Kidd. Remember lads, first ye pillage, then ye burn!
A pirate’s life isn’t easy; it takes a tough person. That’s okay with you, though, since you are that person. Even though you’re not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!
Well, alrighty then!
Bloody Sam Bonney at yer service.
“Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it’s the open sea. For others (the masochists), it’s the food. For you, it’s definitely the fighting. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate’s life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!”
I’m Mad Anne Bonney – part of the ever-growing Bonney clan. Pour, O pour the pirate sherry… 
And yes, a35362, there were pirates in Hamlet. Well, we don’t get to see them, but Hamlet has an offstage encounter with them en route to England. But you don’t need to take my word for it – here’s the passage in question, in which Horatio reads a letter he’s just received from Hamlet:
Dread Pirate Rackham
Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!
HAHA!
Arr, mateys, so what’s the name of our bonny ship ?
The good ship Venus!
WARNING! RIBALD LYRICS AHEAD!
(Don’t read them if you are easily offended.)
*It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ, you should have seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast was a rampant penis
The captain of this lugger
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn’t fit to shovel shit
From one place to another
(chorus)
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
There was fuck-all else to do!
The captain’s name was Morgan
By Christ, he was a gorgon
Six times each day sweet tunes he’d play
On his reproductive organ
The first mate’s name was Cooper
By Christ, he was a trouper
He jerked and jerked until he worked
Himself into a stupor
(chorus)
The second mate was Andy
By Christ, he had a dandy
'Til the crushed his cock with a jagged rock
For cumming in the brandy
The cabin boy was Chipper
He was a little nipper
They stuffed his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper
(chorus)
The captain’s wife was Mabel
To fuck, she wasn’t able
So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits
Across the barroom table
The captain had a daughter
Who fell in deap sea water
Delighted squeels revealed the eels
Had found her sexual quarter
(chorus, repeat and fade)
Mad Bess Read atcher service! I’m crazy but artistic! (Hey, wait, that would be Ferggie.)
Iron Davy Read here.
“Even through many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the sterotypes. You’ve got taste and education. Arr!”
So, yo-ho-ho and a barrel of Cabernet Sauvignon!