Adult-teen interaction. It's as bad as I think, isn't it?

I dusted off my laptop to make this a little easier so I can give some more details now.

I don’t. It’s nice to have reassurance though. I have no doubts that I am doing the right thing by looking into this further and putting up some alerts but that doesn’t mean I haven’t questioned it at all. But ultimately I really feel like I have a greater duty to this boy than I do to my friendship or this woman or her husband and their feelings or anybody else. It’s still comforting to have people in agreement with that. It gives me strength and motivation somehow. So thanks for that, everybody.

I said the exact same thing except my hypothetical acceptable discussion went like this: “Do you have access to condoms? Would you like me to get you some just in case?” That’s it. He doesn’t even need to know that they’re actually having sex. He knows it’s a possibility, so address it as though it’s happening and be done with it. As you said, no details etc. needed.

I don’t know. I don’t even know if he’s actually committed a crime. But, as I said above, I feel a moral obligation to protect this kid to the very best of my ability, which maybe isn’t much considering I’ve never even met the kid, but I’m going to do what I can.

I read through our entire text conversation again and damn near made myself sick. Early in the conversation, when I gave Donna the idea that perhaps she’s not the only person The Boy showed the texts to, I got this as a reply: “I hope he showed them to no one.” That’s just so wrong. I definitely would want my kid to show me something like that and I know damn well she would want to know if somebody was creeping on her daughters, so wtf?

She’s “freaked out.” That is all I’ve been told about her feelings about this particular thing. As far as her opinion of Henry, she hates him. They have a terrible relationship and have as long as I’ve known them. She can’t stand him. So I used that with Donna, thinking if she’s not going to give a fuck about this boy and do it for HIM, maybe she’ll do it for self-preservation.

Oh, let me back up for a minute. I said at one point that I wonder what happens to her, as a mandated reporter and the person The Boy went to for help, if she does nothing and The Boy shows someone else and that person escalates the complaint and then The Boy says, “Well, Donna knew.” Her reply was that she is almost certain The Boy won’t do that.

So I suggested to her that The Girl doesn’t like Henry anyway and, if those two kids were to put their heads together for a minute, this is a great way for her to get rid of Henry. I told her it’s more than a little naive to convince herself that neither of them are going to tell anybody else and suggested that it would be infinitely better for her if she were the one to report it rather than waiting for somebody else to do it and then have to justify later why she didn’t say anything. And all day long it’s been, “I know that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t who to call. I know I have to do something. I know. I know. I know. I know I have to talk to him but I don’t know what to say.” Really? How about, “Hey, why the fuck are you so interested in how a teenage boy masturbates?” You don’t know what to do? FUCKING LEAVE. Don’t know who to call? How about any one of the people I have repeatedly suggested?

I’m just as disgusted with her at this point as I am with him. She told me her dad is concerned about both her girls, concerned that Henry will hurt them somehow. And I told her it has crossed my mind more than a few times today things like “Well, why IS their relationship (Henry and The Girl) so terrible? Why does The Girl REALLY have so many issues? Why is she such a jerk to Donna all the time?” And she said she’d thought about that, too, but she thinks it’s baseless because, quote, “I don’t think Henry likes girls at all.” So, yeah drew, I guess no worries. :rolleyes: (That’s for Donna, not you.)

I emailed the school social worker. I’m not sure if she’s the same person whose voicemail I was transferred to when I called but either way at least I’m not stuck playing phone tag with somebody and nothing gets done. I’ll do whatever next step is suggested, I suppose. I’m done discussing this with Donna. I can’t handle her ridiculousness anymore, her bullshit hand-wringing “omg, it’s all so terrible!!” despite the fact that she’s completely unwilling to do anything at all about any of it.

Kudos to you, Silver Fire!
You’re doing the right thing (not that you need me to tell you that).

This may be a gross question, but do you know how mature, physically, the boy is? I ask because 15 is really on the cusp, for many kids, between being kids and being adults, physically. And if Henry is into kids, gender may be irrelevant. Homo- and heterosexual aren’t always applicable labels to true pedophiles (although they tend to be for ephebophiles - those attracted to mature bodies at illegally young ages.)

I guess what I’m saying is - I wouldn’t assume that, even if he is gay, his stepdaughter is safe from him, sexually speaking. After all, we know he’s successfully had sex with at least one woman - Donna.

Oh, I know that, that there’s a chance he’s just into kids in general. Again, I’ve never met this boy so I have no idea what he’s like.

Let’s assume that he’s not molesting The Girl. Does that mean that she’s in a totally okay, safe environment? I don’t think so. This guy thinks (or at least is claiming) that this is how parenting works. So what does he say to her? What other totally fucked up “parenting” is he engaged in? Why IS their relationship so terrible?

I kind of just want to scoop up both of those girls and rescue them from both their parents. :confused: Because Donna is looking less and less like an innocent bystander here. Not that I think she’s actively involved in it, like “Yeah, let’s talk dirty to this kid, it’ll be awesome!”, but she’s essentially giving him a thumbs up by not doing anything. What else is she condoning because she doesn’t want to deal with it?

I’m only posting to say that I am so relieved that this is your position. You are doing the right thing, even though doing the right thing stinks. I have seen to much of this shit, and I am just glad someone like you is on the case.

One thing though, since we’re not quite clear yet on whether a crime has been committed etc, why not just ring the local police and ask? Even if it isn’t a crime yet, they’ll make a note of it and it’s an additional data point should there ever be anything else.

In case you needed any more assurance: yes, it’s as bad as you think.

Donna needs to contact the authorities, and get this man out of her house ASAP. This isn’t even a “he said she said” or a “I suspect something but have no conrete proof” situation. There is text message evidence going on, they already have a dysfunctional relationship, and Donna is doing her own kids a great disservice by trying to rationalize it.

Would she be spurred to act if her husband goes on to molest her daughter(s)? What exactly would pull this woman’s head out of the sand in this situation? It sounds like Donna has really really low self-esteem. She knows whats happening is bad, she knows her marraige is a mess. But she has such a low opinion of herself that if she takes action (sever/confront abuser/etc) she thinks any bad outcome is going to be her fault. If people want to let others treat them like crap, so be it, but when its your own kids in danger, it should be a totally different story.

Donna stopped by. She was teary eyed as she told me she really feels like this is the thing that will make her finally get out. I don’t believe her at all.

Henry texted (called?) her this morning to give her info on a road closure he encountered on his way to work that won’t effect her at all. He asked if she’s still mad at him. He expects her to sweep this away like everything else.

She told me about a text she’d neglected to share with me before and I think I know why she didn’t. He asked this kid how many naked pictures he has of himself in his phone. In my mind this puts the whole thing solidly in the “this is a crime” category. Sounds like solicitation to me. The kid said none, he doesn’t do that sort of thing, but what if he’d said he has a bunch? “Oh, can I see? Send me a snapchat invite!”

This HAS TO BE a crime. If it’s not, I quit civilization.

This changes everything. Doubt she will WOman up and show the texts to the proper authorities tho. Why cant she get a lawyer to look into it for her/start divorce proceedings while she’s at it? Good on ya for being the strong one here, because you may need to hold her hand thru this whole thing.

What does her Dad think of it/did you mention this last text tidbit to him?

Creepy yes, but is this actually illegal? I’m having a tough time figuring out what sort of crime could have been committed here. Henry didn’t perform any sexual act with a minor, and didn’t solicit or propose any adult/child sex. The worst he’s done is given advice to a teen regarding how to be safer in doing something he’s probably already doing. If it were illegal to give sex advice to children, then sex-ed instructors in public schools would all be in jail. Since they aren’t, I’m guessing that there is a legal line that hasn’t been crossed yet. The social line was crossed a few miles back though.

Her dad is pissed. I wasn’t there when they talked but, according to her, his advice was to move out. I don’t know if she told him about Henry asking about pictures. She didn’t initially tell me so I’m thinking she realizes exactly how bad it is.

Asking what he thinks of when he’s masturbating is hardly giving advice. Same with commenting on his penis and asking if The Girl has made The Boy orgasm. I realize you probably missed my recent post re: pictures.

Solicitation.

Silver Fire, as others have said, thank you so much for not just shrugging this off as “not my business”. If you can’t get anywhere with the school counselor, or if you don’t want to wait, you can contact http://www.childhelp.org/. They can advise you on what to do, who to call, and what evidence/information you’ll need to proceed. You can also suggest it to Donna; she might be more comfortable calling them than, say, the police. I’m betting they’ve dealt with more than their share of freaked-out parents who are in the position of having to report their spouse and would rather bury their heads in the sand. But I think it’s worth calling yourself, since it’s possible (I think; I have no legal knowledge whatsoever) that depending on the specifics, this may be a situation where you can bypass Donna entirely.

But again - and I really can’t say this enough - thank you for helping.

QFT and AMEN!

So, in light of the new info re: pictures and that I’m fairly certain he’s committed an actionable crime, I gave Donna a chance. I told her that I understand she’s scared but she needs to call someone. She said, “I don’t think I can.” And I told her flat out that I can’t sit here and do nothing with this new information so if she won’t, I’m going to.

Her: “You are going to turn him in? Can you just find out if it’s a crime first? I get that you can’t do nothing, but I need time to think. I can’t lose everything. My house, I just can’t. I know I have to do something. I know I do.”

Me: “I can’t just ask somebody “Hey, is it a crime to blah blah” and have them not be curious why I’m asking. Then what do I say? I’m not going to tell you? He’s A KID!”

Her: “I know that. I do. Just give me a minute. I need to figure this out.”

Her again: “I’m begging you. Please.”

This is why I started this thread. I wasn’t entirely sure why before, just looking to vent/get some support/whatever, but THIS is why. Because in the face of my friend, stupid as she is, literally begging me not to do this, I need strength to ignore her.

Thanks for the resource, HoD.

Your friend is a grown up. She got herself where she is today through a series of bad decisions, and has apparently not learned anything from them. That would be her own business except she’s bringing minors down with her, who have turned to her for help. Don’t be swayed by her begging.

I’m willing “strength to ignore Donna” vibes to you, Silver Fire!

(angry crazy mommy mode ON)

My son is 14 and the thought of anyone sexually harrassing him like that makes me sick to my stomach. What if, God forbid, Henry escalates the situation (which is plenty disgusting enough the way it is?) How could she possibly live with herself? “Sorry, I knew Henry was creeping on Junior, but I didn’t want to make my life inconvenient for myself.” I love my husband most of the time :wink: but if I knew he was pulling shit like this he’d find himself out on the tree lawn on garbage day.

(angry crazy mommy mode OFF)

Add me to the chorus of people giving you kudos for doing the right thing, especially when it’s not the easy thing.

Silver Fire, first let me say that you are a Great Woman.
To defend the defenseless even when they aren’t your progeny marks you as someone worthy of praise.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” – attributed to Edmund Burke

When I see the few predators who are truly evil and see the work of those who oppose them, I feel as if Humanity might make it after all. I am, after all, an optimist.

Please keep us posted. I wish you well.

Good on you.