Advice needed: what if you learned what a friend's online date looks like?

[Joey_P]

@choie

Joey P – I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks it unwise to go off with a stranger the first time you meet him. As I said I tend to be a scaredy-cat so sometimes I can’t tell if I’m my fears are normal or overly paranoid. Unfortunately I couldn’t drive her, since we’re not in the same state, plus I don’t have a car. But if we were and I did, I would’ve offered the lift. Though not necessarily the lift back… that seems a bit too maternal even for extra-busybody me!

The taking her home part is the part that keeps her safe. If this guy is a ‘bad guy’ when she walks over to him and says “my friend will be back in an hour for me” it, in theory, will make him less likely to do bad stuff. Since he knows that someone will be looking for her in an hour. As opposed to her going by herself and the bad guy knowing that no one is going to be looking for her until Monday when she doesn’t show up for work.

And it’s tough, some times you just get a good feeling about someone. For example, the person I’ve been talking to on the phone sure sounds nice. As of right now, I’d have no problem going over to her house to have dinner (we’ve never met IRL), but who knows, maybe she kills and skins people like me in her basement. I think I stick to Plan B. I’m going to call her later and see if she (and her son and my daughter) want to go to the Harley Davidson Museum. (It’s tough, we both have kids and our days without them don’t coincide which is why we haven’t met yet).

[DooWahDiddy]

So how about an update on this?

Did they get along? Did your friend care about his looks, or find out about your dilemma? Are they still dating? Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

[choie]

Whoa, this thread reappears at a very coincidental time. More on why later.

@DooWahDiddy

Did they get along? Did your friend care about his looks, or find out about your dilemma? Are they still dating? Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Yes, no, yes, hopefully, and none of your business. To elaborate:

1. Did they get along?

After that first date, they’ve seen each other a few more weekends, and have continued to spend hours on the phone and emailing every day. The relationship has been intense and my friend & this guy seemed to be head over heels for one another. My friend, who’s had not-very-good experiences with men, has never felt so strongly for a guy before; they share so many interests, and he seems to think the world of her, finding her funny, smart, generous, compassionate – just as she finds him, in fact.

2. Did she care about his looks?

Nope. Though he’s not her ideal type, appearancewise, they appear to be physically compatible, shall we say? She’s said she’s attracted to him because of who he is, and how he is with her.

3. Did she find out about my dilemma?

Yes, 'cause I told her (after they met and got along well). She’s glad I didn’t send her the video because she suspects that she might have gotten a little hesitant, and prefers that she met him without having any preconceived ideas about looks. She wasn’t offended at all by my concerns, either. (I told you she’s a great gal.)

4. Are they still dating?

Well, this is the tricky one. The last couple of weeks have been difficult, because the guy has been very stressed over work issues, and some health problems (not related to his weight, BTW), and family issues too. He has a major deadline with a project – he’s a freelancer, btw, so he lives and dies by his clients’ whims (I can relate!) – and so he hasn’t called my friend as much, and warned her that when he gets stressed he just needs to focus on the issue at hand. This weekend was the first where they haven’t talked in a couple of days (since Thursday), although he’s emailed and apologized for being distracted.

My friend, however, is certain that she’s fucked things up somehow (she’s terrified she’s turned him off because she cried in front of him when they were listening to music that touched her, and also when he told her about something that made him and her sad) and now thinks he’s doing a passive/aggressive dumping by not calling her. I say she’s waaay too insecure and hello, he has to think about work and his deadline and his family… As important as their relationship is, sometimes other things do take precedence, at least for a little while. She’s already prepared for heartbreak. Mind you, she hasn’t said any of this to him, and has told him she completely understands his schedule and no of course his family needs him and yadda yadda yadda she’s Miss Supportive Girlfriend 2010. So it’s not as if he knows she’s freaking out.

Have I said she’s had very bad luck with men? Her trust abilities are at nil here. Of course I can tell her up the wazoo that she’s being an idjit and that in all likelihood, a guy who’s specifically said he wants her to be honest about her feelings and that’s what he loves about her (yes, he’s said the “L” word already), is not gonna be that turned off just because she wept at beautiful music and one other time in sympathy for him because he was upset. But fat lot of good that does me.

I know I’m making her sound like a basket case, but she really isn’t – she’s just really in love with this guy and clearly terrified of losing the first man she’s ever really been so emotionally vulnerable with.

5. Have I ever been in a Turkish prison?

Those files are sealed.

[lindsaybluth]

Well, suffice to say I’m very surprised it’s all worked out, and that she was glad you didn’t show her the video and such of him.

However, it sounds like she’s a pretty classic case of really attractive but emotionally batshit crazy. I mean, after a few days of not talking to her (and he WARNED her he would be busy) she’s convinced herself she did something wrong. Being that she doesn’t seem all together logical, it does make sense that she was glad that she didn’t see the video/photo of him in advance, in contrast to what the vast majority of the posters thought they would want in the same situation.

[Boyo_Jim]

Oooh, the crying over little things could be a kiss of death. I personally just hate that, unless, like, somebody in the family died recently or there is some other serious tragedy in close proximity.

[choie]

Batshit crazy (and I don’t think she’s that far gone – just over-sensitive) or not, turns out my friend’s instincts were sadly on target.

Last night he sent an email saying that he loved her but was too “broken” to be in a romantic relationship, and that he had a lot of “anger” and “confusion” after having been hurt in a previous breakup. He said he wants her in his life but he needs to be “healthy” and just isn’t ready, yadda yadda. Sounds like classic “it’s not you, it’s me” bullshit to me. I suppose there’s a 1/100 chance that he’s sincere, and maybe it was just too soon to get into an intense relationship after this breakup that occured last winter, I believe. Maybe he’ll actually get his act together. Maybe.

But in the meantime poor friend is very, very sad and angry. I’m pissed off at myself for having been the optimist over the past couple of weeks (a mantle I wear very uneasily, mind you). She sensed he was pulling away, and I should have credited her instincts more than I did. It was just that she was putting so much emphasis on it being her fault that I guess I assumed this was a bout of insecurity. I was wrong. That’ll teach me to stray from the cynical path.

Boyo Jim - he said he liked her emotional honesty, so I really doubt that was it. She only wept twice, once at meaningful music (she’s a former singer whose music used to be a big part of her life, so it touched her) and once in sympathy when he was telling her how miserable he was over some regrets he had. She didn’t rend her garment or pull her hair out or anything. IMHO if a guy is that turned off by two weeps in two months, he’s got some major issues of his own.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

I suspect he could sense the neediness and clinginess pretty quickly.

[choie]

Uh, where was the neediness and clinginess, exactly? She didn’t demand anything of him AFAIK, and gave him plenty of space. (I mean, that’s not hard, they live about two hours away anyway and only saw each other on the weekend.) She didn’t ask to see him when he said he was busy – believe me, my friend doesn’t want to trigger the all-too-easily-triggered ZOMG TOO MUCH COMMITMENT male gene. If anything she tends to be too ready to hide her emotional needs.

But of course! The woman has to be needy and clingy or hysterical. It can’t possibly be that this guy is just FUBAR and chickenshit.

[Boyo_Jim]

@lindsaybluth

… Being that she doesn’t seem all together logical, it does make sense that she was glad that she didn’t see the video/photo of him in advance, in contrast to what the vast majority of the posters thought they would want in the same situation.

There was no vast majority for either side in this thread. By my count it was 20-18 in favor of sending a link. (I was one of the 18, and therefor correct. :p)

[Boyo_Jim]

@choie

…
Boyo Jim - he said he liked her emotional honesty, so I really doubt that was it. She only wept twice, once at meaningful music (she’s a former singer whose music used to be a big part of her life, so it touched her) and once in sympathy when he was telling her how miserable he was over some regrets he had. She didn’t rend her garment or pull her hair out or anything. IMHO if a guy is that turned off by two weeps in two months, he’s got some major issues of his own.

She cried TWICE in two weeks of dating? That’s not a kiss of death, that’s a mass extinction, a planet killing asteroid.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

Well, you’re the who said she was falling to pieces because he didn’t call her for a couple of days. The crying thing was pretty weird too. That’s some pretty intense emotion pretty quickly. He was probably just looking for some casual dating and tail, possibly leading up to something more serious, and realized she was bringing a lot more expectations to the table than he was. I’m not trying to bag on her, but she had a lot of build up before she met this guy, and she probably came on a lot stronger than she realized. What might have seemed like some kind of deep connection preceding all this to her might have seemed like nothing more than a causal internet acquaintanceship to him, and he might have gotten feaked out when he saw that she had built this thing up way more than he had. The way you describe her makes her sound pretty emotional. That can be off-putting right up front.

[fjs1fs]

@KneadToKnow

@choie

My friend is gorgeous (as in, seriously beautiful) but a bit overweight

I quit reading here, because you’re right. This is shallow.

I quit reading too, because how can you be Gorgeous AND Overweight?

[Boyo_Jim]

@Boyo_Jim

@choie

…
Boyo Jim - he said he liked her emotional honesty, so I really doubt that was it. She only wept twice, once at meaningful music (she’s a former singer whose music used to be a big part of her life, so it touched her) and once in sympathy when he was telling her how miserable he was over some regrets he had. She didn’t rend her garment or pull her hair out or anything. IMHO if a guy is that turned off by two weeps in two months, he’s got some major issues of his own.

She cried TWICE in two weeks of dating? That’s not a kiss of death, that’s a mass extinction, a planet killing asteroid.

I see that I misunderstood the time frame and it was more like a month of dating, I’m downgrading the crying incidents from planet killing asteroids to super volcanoes that devastate a continent.

[lindsaybluth]

@choie

Batshit crazy (and I don’t think she’s that far gone – just over-sensitive) or not, turns out my friend’s instincts were sadly on target.
<snip> She sensed he was pulling away, and I should have credited her instincts more than I did. It was just that she was putting so much emphasis on it being her fault that I guess I assumed this was a bout of insecurity. I was wrong. That’ll teach me to stray from the cynical path.<snip> IMHO if a guy is that turned off by two weeps in two months, he’s got some major issues of his own.

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but it is her fault - not as in “it’s something she deliberately did” but it obviously is “who she is” that caused the breakup. Like you said, “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit. Maybe she should take time to focus on herself and her emotional highs and lows and pessimism.

Also, crying twice in two months in front of others is a lot to some ladies, myself included. Sorry, but it doesn’t sound like it’s he who has major issues.

ETA:

@Boyo_Jim

@lindsaybluth

… Being that she doesn’t seem all together logical, it does make sense that she was glad that she didn’t see the video/photo of him in advance, in contrast to what the vast majority of the posters thought they would want in the same situation.

There was no vast majority for either side in this thread. By my count it was 20-18 in favor of sending a link. (I was one of the 18, and therefor correct. :p)

Whoops, I guess the sending the link contingent was more strongly worded in my mind! Also I think the don’t send the link contingent showed up later than the send the link contingent :p.