Mother: 66 years old. Her boyfriend: 72 years old. Been together 8 years. The undue behavior started 3 years ago.
He would touch her breasts or buttocks in public or in the car even though he knew she wasn’t comfortable with that and that she only wanted sexual touching to be at home in private. She says he seems to do it as a socially inept way of making up after they have a disagreement or when he’s in a very good mood. He has stopped doing it in public but still does it in the car about once per week.
About the boyfriend: he takes a prescription anti-anxiety pill when he goes to have dinner at his daughter’s. He’s an alcoholic who has stopped drinking, is at an AA meeting nearly every day and keeps trotting out their numerous mantras. He’s impulsive and quick to anger when driving. He’s quick to anger towards people although he’s never shown anger toward me, at most irritation. When something genuinely important emotionally perturbs him, he makes purchases of several hundreds or thousands of dollars which, admittedly, he can afford it.
He has halved his anti-depressant dosage because it gives him erectile difficulties. My mother suggested ED medication instead but that was defensively rebuffed with: “That’s all you think about.”.
While my mother is not one to think that being in a relationship means she automatically consents, she doesn’t seem to realize the gravity of what he’s doing. She sees it as a lack of respect, a description which lacks in specificity as such actions are not merely rudeness.
Perhaps I should note that her former boyfriend threatened to hurt her but, in her words, “only if she deserved it”. He never did hurt her and when he shook his fist at her, she lodged a complaint with the police and their relationship ended. She later regretted staying with him for so long.
I’ve told her that it’s sexual assault, asked about how she’s communicated about the problem with him, asked her about him completely stopping and hinted at reconsidering her relationship status. I’d like more advice about what I can do and how to talk about it with her.
To preempt anyone asking how that’s my business: I’m wary of intervening strongly in her affairs but I still want to make sure she’s not in an abusive relationship. I owe her; She plopped me out.
