The anti-hair-cutting thing is very strange to me. It reminds me of those weird Mormon polygamist sects where all the women and girls have hair past their butts.
Kurahee, it will be sad to see you go. We need more interesting and nice people like you here on the boards.
Making your children miserable, subjecting them to torment from their classmates, and making them look unkempt - the net result of the hair and clothes stuff he describes - is not bad parenting? Anything short of out-and-out physical abuse is okay, or what? I’m not willing to take relativism quite as far as you are. The hair thing, in itself, is not just “odd” but rather “yet another sign there’s something seriously wrong with this family.”
I suppose I’m a little more inclined to understand it if they belong to one of those weird churches where women don’t cut their hair, although most of those churches are problematic for other reasons and raising your children as snakehandlers or Fundamentalist Mormons is child abuse in and of itself.
Exactly. That and it’s not just the hair by itself-it seems to be a lot of little things that add up. The kids clothing not fitting? When they can indeed afford better? That’s just wrong. Ill-fitting shoes can be very uncomfortable, too.
I was in complete agreement with you until you said this.
I don’t care what Frank did, this was too much. You got mixed up with an overagressive mod, he was wrong, you were right…but get the fuck over it already.
Ok, NOW we’re getting somewhere. Sounds like the problem isn’t the BiL at all, but the SiL herself. Giving TOYS away? Refusing to give them haircuts?? That’s outright neglect, bordering on psychological abuse. (Or maybe I’m biased…the behavior you describe is something I grew up with, except it was even worse – damn fundie parents!!)
Considering his psycho wife, that’s no surprise at all. And he’s probably close with his eldest daughter because she’s the only person in his life he’s able to love & trust.
I think you & your wife need to change the discussion and stop thinking about what’s wrong with the BiL, but with the SiL. Everything the father’s done, can be explained away. The mother, however, clearly has serious issues. I don’t think it warrants a call to CPS, though…in fact, it’s best you leave them out of it. An investigation of any kind with only make things worse, at this point.
I know, she’s your wife’s sister. That’s a problem. I don’t know if you can convince her to talk about her sister as the problem. Frankly, if I were in your shoes, I’d just walk away from the situation. Just walk away.
As others have said, there are perfectly rational explanations for a lot of this stuff.
If he’s got his computer and all of his game systems in there, it makes sens that he’d have an alarm systrem. He also might want to keep the door locked if he doesn’t want his kids playing with them.
Sure it is. A lot of people don’t want to put chemicals on their kids. As long as she combed out all of the nits and then washed their bedding, it should take care of the problem. (And you HAVE to pick out the nits "one by one, otherwise, you’ll never get rid of the lice.) I got lice once, and my grandmother used kerosene on my head to get rid of them.
It’s rude, but its not all that odd. Ever hear of “re-gifting”? People do this kind of thing all of the time.
Maybe they’re part of a religious faith which doesn’t allow it. (Pentecostal, maybe.)
Again, rude but not all that odd.
A lot of people don’t believe in children having dozens of outfits. If you think about it, it is pretty wasteful, especially since most kids are happy in t-shirts and jeans. They don’t need tons of fashionable clothes. As long as the clothes are clean and mended, that’s all that’s important.
FIL is a PI? (I love these acronyms-OK?) The PI can or may already have done all that can be done.
Many 12 year olds sit on daddy’s lap without lurid romances.
If you walked into my private room and were looking around, you would get more than a burning look. (Not too much more, but I can understand his not overly loving you at the time.)
Maybe his close relationship with daughter is because she is the only one that shows him reasonable filial affection.
You don’t even know if strange acting mother has a psych disease, and, yet, you’re all ready to send dad to the pen for a kiddie porn rap?
Kids genital behavior may be nothing more than the experiments that kids do at various ages. If it gets a shocked behavior from an adult, at a family gathering, perhaps others would want to see uncle or aunt X turn red in the face.
On this one, I suggest you walk away. You seem too quick to jump too many guns, and anything that you do or do not do will turn out very badly. If getting them haircuts is outside of your parameter, consider that accusing father of inappropriate behavior with his daughter **totally **off limits. Please.
An implication is not an accusation. The OP obviously feels that sometihg is wrong, but his purpose in starting this thread was to get various opinions.
He put “suspect” in the title. Too many posters have picked at his evidence as if he meant it to be definitive. I have no idea what is going on in his life, or whether he has made it up out of whole cloth. However, if what he says is true, it would not be inconsistent with the facts for someyhing skeezy to be afoot. I do not understand the posters who are absolutely convinced that he is inventing this scenario, based on what little real information we have.
I haven’t jumped any guns. I asked for opinions. Please. I know what this could do to the family if we are wrong. Why do you think I’ve kept my wife from making a call that she’s sure she needs to make? She’s known this man for 20 years. I’ve “known” him for 3.
Of course there is. There are perfectly rational explanations for everything. If your child went to school with a black eye, maybe he got into a school yard fight. Maybe he fell off of his bike. Maybe he has a drunk for a father who used him for a punching bag. You can explain all of the behaviors and quirks away. I *know * that.
Exactly. Thank you for stating it. I haven’t accused him of anything, but I did imply there may be a problem. That’s why I posted. If I ever made a phone call, I’d be making an accusation. Something that carried some weight. Right now, I want opinions. It may be a fine line to some, but it’s important.
Finally,
I lost another one to DiTech! (I couldn’t resist)
I was being ironical. I know nothing about Frank. His “personal involvement” remains unexplained and I used hyperbole for effect. His behavior, however, was most unmoderator-like. And I am guessing that if a regular poster pulled what he did, they would have been admonished for it.
kurahee, we are not talking about this thread. We are talking about the thought process that led to a thread which contains “suspect”, “child molester”, and “child porn” in the title. Those are words that get people’s attention. Makes them react. Makes them hysterical.
I’ve heard of cases where some stranger calls CPS because they saw a kid with a black eye, and jumped to the conclusion of physical abuse. And any report to CPS starts an investigation. Even if they don’t send out a field agent (which can involve telling the child to strip down to his/her underwear, checking for more bruises), the investigation itself does go on permanent record, which can show up on a background check.
Not so fine as you think, but you did make the right choice – to come here anonymously, and listen for answers, instead of making it public.
I think if the shoe were on the other foot, and kurahee’s neice was on here complaining that her father had been molesting her and her aunt and uncle did nothing, everyone would be “oh you poor baby” to her, and grinding kurahee and his wife into the dirt. As it is, he asked for opinions and has repeatedly stated that he has done nothing to call the attention of the authorities to the home. He has asked for opinions and help regarding a situation that is troubling him and his wife.
So, he get called a troll, and accused of making up stories, and has his thread thrown into the pit. I’m kind of disappointed in some of the posters who have responded to this thread. Kurahee had stated he understands the problems which can result if he reports something which may not be going on. He also reports that he is not alone in his “feeling” about this, that his wife is more concerned than he is. Yet some of you persist in name-calling and accusations.
I told a poster (in another forum) to check back in and let us know how she was doing, because the Dopers were some of the most supportive people I’ve ever dealt with. Did I lie to that person? Or should I have laughed at her story and called her names for posting it.
I’m a member here, and intend to stay one. I have learned a lot here, and hope I can continue to do so. But this abuse I’m reading from some posters makes me wonder if I would dare to post about it if I had an issue I needed/wanted help with.
I’ve got to call bullshit. Granted, the clothes and shoes - if they are as badly fitting and as shabby as described - could and would contribute to making the children unhappy and give them problems fitting in at school, but not trimming your children’s hair does NOT make you a bad parent! IMO, it doesn’t even warrant the word “unkempt” as untrimmed hair doesn’t necessarily look that terrible if it is kept clean, brushed and neat. kurahee has added information that suggests the youngest child’s hair is in her eyes because it is poorly tied back which suggests that perhaps it isn’t being looked after properly and that’s more telling than the failure to cut it - again, IMO - but that wasn’t the initial point he raised. Yes, there may be something wrong with this family but most of the warning signs seem to be pointing at the mother - so why is this thread dedicated to the father?
Does anyone else have the feeling that this family has a wildly variable income and poor money management skills? If he is bringing home a large paycheck one month and a tiny one the next, and they blow all their cash on luxury goods as soon as they get paid, then that would explain why they are wealthy and can’t afford school lunches, why the mother would use household ingredients to treat headlice rather than pay for treatments, etc. Things like haircuts and new clothes for the children may just get bumped down to the bottom of their priorities when the money does come in. That makes them selfish and irresponsible but it doesn’t qualify as abusive parenting and it doesn’t make them child molestors.
Show me any piece of evidence that even remotely points to the BIL being a child pornographer. I don’t mean hard evidence, just something that even begins to actually indicate that he’s making kiddie porn or even collecting it. I don’t care about definitive – show me one single thing that actually suggests child porn as the title “suspects”. There are a few things that might be signs of molestation, but there is not even the slightest hint of a suggestion of child porn being involved in this at all.
I’ll ignore the rest of your post since it’s obviously not addressed to me.
The girls are desperate and begging to have their hair cut! Refusing to do so is bad parenting for several reasons. A child begging to have a normal grooming procedure done is not normal. They probably look strange to their peers, and it probably makes them feel alienated. This on top of the shabby clothes and limited lunch money. Do you remember middle school? Not fitting in because of weird clothes or hair is torture, and the effects last a lifetime. Also, having your parents refuse to respond to a perfectly normal and valid request (to get the hair cut) or provide you with sufficient clothing or lunch money causes hurt, confusion and resentment in the children.
It’s abundantly clear that this family is majorly dysfunctional. The dad is extremely strange and the mother mentally ill. I don’t know whether the dad is into child porn, but to be worried about the kids is COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED!
Finally, I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE SOME PEOPLE ARE PUTTING KURAHEE THROUGH THE WRINGER FOR BEING CONCERNED ABOUT THESE CHILDREN! YOU PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES.
I haven’t seen this kind of asshattery on the boards in a long time.
Well duh :smack: !
Of course, there would be some who would want to look at the national molestation statistics to see if the story was believable first!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve had limited internet access for the past few days.
While I haven’t experienced package-grabbing, my niece once expressed unusual interest in my underwear–while I was wearing it. She spread open my zipper and peeked inside. She had been doing this often enough for her brother to try to warn me about it. She was ten at the time; my nephew was 13, and I had just turned 25.
kurahee, before you leave this thread, could you clear up these inconsistancies:
Not my definition of a “healthy relationship” but YMMV. Perhaps you could elaborate?
Also, can you explain this discrepancy:
I’ll tell you what races through my head: how does this girl remain 12 years old for years on end? I noticed you failed to correct any of the posters who assumed this was a recent incident involving your 12 year old niece. How old was she? 9? 10? 11? Would those posters have drawn the same conclusions about the behaviour of a 9 year old vs. a 12 year old had you alerted them to their error?
We need more interesting and nice people like you here on the boards.
(I couldn’t resist)