First, I want to thank you all for your replies and suggestions. As you can imagine, this has been weighing on my wife and I for a while now.
I’ll do my best to answer as many questions as I can.
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My BIL is a professional, and makes a nice salary. But, he spends money like it’s water, and it’s always on himself. That’s his right, but he has THOUSANDS of DVD’s lining his 2500 sq. ft. basement. The basement looks like a cross between a high scale neighborhood gambling parlor and a children’s toy store. There are 12 TV’s in the house, they have EVERY video game technology (and associated games known to man) and anything else you can think of. You name it, they have it. He has movies that still have the plastic wrap on them.
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They have no friends that I know of. One strange man who knows my SIL shows up at family functions, but my BIL is an introverted, oddball sort of guy. I’ve only seen one friend of his, a college friend. They currently don’t speak, but no one knows why.
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No one in my wife’s family knows exactly what he does for a living, and he is very secretive about his life/work. If you ask him a casual question about work (or his social activities) and he doesn’t want to answer, he gives an odd look and walks away from you. It’s the weirdest behavior I’ve ever seen. Trust me, he’s not a spy and we aren’t talking about Mr. & Mrs. Smith assassin stuff either. At least I don’t think so.
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BIL’s father is, believe it or not, a private detective. So, this has forced my wife and I to steer clear of P.I.'s. We can’t trust anyone that might know this guy and tip him off. Professional courtesy and all that. As in “I have a client that wants me to do a background check on your son.” I can see this spiraling out of control in no time.
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The fortress of solitude - It had just been completed, and the door was open. There really wasn’t anything in there except his computer, a chair, a TV, and video games. This guy is in his 40’s, so you’d think the video games weren’t necessary. My wife and I wandered out there to see it and the door was ajar. We knocked and went in, just to see the completed work. We were in there less than 2 minutes, didn’t open a drawer, or turn on his computer. We walked out and he was standing 5 feet away from the door **staring ** at us, in a way that made both of us feel uncomfortable. She’s known him for 20 years. On the ride home, she asked if it felt as if he was burning a hole in us. I told her I felt the same way.
The door has three locks on it. No windows. And the home security system was hooked into this room. I find that to be a bit excessive for a private sanctuary to get away from the family. And the other thing is this guy **NEVER ** works at home. He never brings work home and he doesn’t work long weeks. He’s supposed to be an “executive”, but I’ve never known an “executive” to not work a weekend now and then. Or always. I asked for a business card once, but that just made him leave the room.
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My wife and her sister are not on speaking terms now. I have a feeling that there was something said about the kids. My wife used to take the kids to the mall or whatever, but as they grew older, they talked more and the access to the kids was gradually removed. Now, they don’t speak. What happened is my BIL put conditions on us giving birthday/christmas gifts to his kids. My wife objected. I won’t get into details here, but let’s just say a normal family would never thought of these conditions. My wife’s sister has never responded to my wife about these “conditions”, and hasn’t spoken to her since. It’s crazy.
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My FIL and MIL refer to my BIL in all discussions regarding this family unit. He makes all of the decisions, not their own daughter. It’s very weird. “He” said this. “He” said that. My wife has suspected for years that her sister is mentally ill, and from what I’ve seen, I can see her point. She cares nothing about her appearance and lives in a VERY affluent neighborhood. She won’t allow her girls cut their hair, but her son has his head shaved. When we were interacting with them, the kids begged us to get their hair cut, but that’s not my role. I wouldn’t want anyone else doing things to myh kids I disapproved of either, so we never did it. But we did buy the kids shoes that fit, because my SIL wouldn’t buy shoes for her own children. Bizzaro-land here, folks.
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My BIL and SIL are never in the same room during social events. Ever. I rarely see them speak. She seems very submissive to him, but I’ll admit, my exposure has been limited. An uncle on my wife’s side commented once that he thought it was the strangest marriage he had ever seen and figured there was some sort of “deal” worked out. She doesn’t work. He does. She has no control over the finances. She has to ask for money. And to give one classic example of this, she once complained that money was so limited that she was looking into a home equity loan so she could afford the children’s school lunches. (the kids are in private school). Huh? She’s either nuts, or he’s holding onto cash like there is no tomorrow. Or both. But I’ve never sensed even a whiff of affection between them, yet he has his daughter sit on his lap and he strokes her hair like she’s a pet. It really bothers me visually, but that doesn’t mean he has a hard-on while he’s doing it, or that there is anything abnormal about it.
One more thing about this oldest daughter. She receives special treatment apart from her siblings like I’ve never seen. She had three birthday parties one year. That’s right, three. One for the family, one for her friends, and then some sort of neighborhood horse-riding party in the front yard. The other kids get one. She is daddy’s little girl alright. However, this leads me to my final point, which is…
- Finally, odd behavior does not a child-molester make. We know that. So, it is a very sticky, uncomfortable thing we face. I don’t want to destroy this family on a hunch. And whoever stated that my gut is not something to listen to is right. A feeling is no reason to call the authorities. On the other hand, my wife has had the same feelings and we came to these on our own, only discovering each other’s thoughts after a long, uncomfortable conversation. And as much as I think the kids would be better off with other people, that’s not my call to make. And maybe they are happy in their dysfunctional world. After all, it’s all they know. But if they are being molested in any way, that is not acceptable.
Perhaps the best course of action is to see what we can do anonymously. If it is found out that we were the ones who made the call, there would be a storm. My wife is pushing to do something now, but I’ve put the brakes on because it’s easy to judge without concrete facts. Neither of us are child psychology experts, so I wouldn’t even attempt a conversation with these kids to draw something out of them. Specifically the oldest daughter, who we are most concerned about.
Thanks to those of you who gave me some insight into the “package” grabbing. I have to say, I was completely freaked out about it, and didn’t tell my wife for days. Doing that to an adult would never have occurred to me as a child, and it made me so uncomfortable, that I wondered why a child would do that. How could a child be comfortable touching *anyone’s * package, yet alone an adult’s?
Finally, for the record, my wife’s family (and this is from my wife) is one where if there *was * anything going on, no one would want to know it. The social stigma would be too much for her parents to bear, and they would rather keep their mouths shut than face a problem. Because if you don’t speak about it, it isn’t happening. Ignorance is bliss. This bothers me most of all. When kids are involved, someone has to look out for them and do the right thing. I’d rather not get involved, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit back and do nothing. But if I get involved and we’re wrong, I’ll be damned too. 
Apologies in advance for any typos.
