advice sought. Suspect Brother-in-Law a child molester/ into child porn

The BBQ Pit
141

Oh, shoot — this is one of those “really gotta keep reading” threads. Sorry about my previous post.
I think that when your Creepy Behavior Alarm goes off, you really need to heed it. Not convict someone right away, but stay alert until subsequent behavior quells your first instinct. Which does occasionally happen.

But in this case, your sense of foreboding is only getting worse.

A girl with whom I went to high school was sexually molested by her father, it was in the papers once he was convicted. She was a freshman when we were seniors, and I recall her being particularly clingy with one of my classmates. To the point where it really stood out - I was surprised that she was apparently “slutty”, because I’d known her (slightly) for a couple of years. Her parents owned a business located next door to the fast-food restaurant where I worked. So I’d seen her Mom and Dad on several occasions, and remembered her when she was just a perky 12-yr-old.

And I’ll tell you what – her Dad was exceedingly creepy and secretive, anti-social. Her Mom was withdrawn and strange. Although they bought food from us occasionally, they refused all friendly overtures. To the point of not even replying to innocuous remarks about the weather. You’d think a neighboring business would want to be congenial. I never suspected he was molesting his daughter, though; people have a right to be weird, it’s hardly criminal.

Given your niece’s recent forays into revealing clothing, your BIL’s and SIL’s strangeness as documented here, the 12-yr-old’s crotch-grabbing incident, and particularly your gut instincts, I think you have every reason to be alarmed.

I don’t know what you should DO about it. I’m one who DOES call “the authorities” as a matter of course; I tend to believe that they can be trusted to do their jobs. In your shoes, I would call CPS (I don’t buy that Mondale Act busines, my MIL was a social worker for 20+ years & they worked hard to keep families intact; it was exceedingly difficult to justify removing children).

There’s also the Center for Missing and Exploited Children, started by that John Walsh guy whose kid was murdered - maybe they would have the right resources, or could direct you to them.

142

Hate to break it to you, but this family is already ruined. If nothing is done now, twenty years from now you’ll be kicking yourself for not stepping in when you could have, before these kids have grown into incredibly dysfunctional adults who were abused, sexually or not, as kids.

You and your wife both know what is needed. If no one else in her family has the guts or brains to do what needs to be done, you two have to. Hell, it sounds like your wife is already separated from her family. Might as well have some good come out of it - saving those kids. Because they are in danger, right now.

143

Who’s divorce, yours? How could divorcing your wife solve someone elses’ problems?
I hope I misread that and you meant that the SIL and BIL get divorced, but you have joked about divorcing your wife, so I can only infer that you meant your divorce. If your marriage is that tenuous that something like this could lead to its breakup then you should be discussing that and not this.
If your marriage is that strained because of this situation with the BIL then you (as a couple) need to withdraw from it and focus on yourselves.

I wish you the best, and it sounds like you want the best for everyone.
Also,
Welcome to the boards and if you need to talk my e-mail’s inbox is open.

144

Exactly how? The OP mentions certain (questionable) red flags and sounds like kurahee and wife have only spent very limited time with the BIL and gang. What, maybe the family is perfectly happy together when others are not around. You know this happens in some families right?..that there is soooo much conflict among family members that they absolutely cannot be themselves in front of each other. Then turn off the lights and everything is back to normal. I’ve seen it, lived it.
One can’t jump to absolute conclusions that could possibly tear a mostly happy family apart on some very limited observations.

Seriously, when did it become a crime in this country to be weird and withdrawn?!

145

Just my opinion about what the OP has posted. I don’t think what he’s described, in aggregate, is questionable. If he’s serious in his observations, and how he and his wife feels, and truly is concerned about the safety of the kids, I would be doing all I could to get to the kids and find out what’s going on.

146

Maybe, but I don’t think the OP has nearly enough data to base any conlusions on, since the family is so withdrawn, it’s hard to get into their lives to find anything out without getting into their lives. And how, exactly do you do that? Tact, patience, and understanding. Get the BIL liquored up, have a party for the kids, take 'em to Chucky-E-Cheeses, do some happy family stuff and quit wondering about what might be happening. The only way to get the families closer is to try to understand them, not to try and tear them apart. If the BIL feels that everyone is uptight around him then he’s going to be uptight around everyone. Those feelings are very contagious. He might be a great dad but a poor husband, there’s also no crime in that. And if the SIL is mentally ill, then who knows what the hell kind of time BIL has in dealing with her and her issues. He might turn out to be a Saint, depending on how ill she is and what steps he’s taken to get her well. We don’t know.

And when is it a crime for the kids to have shoes that don’t fit? In our house this happens all the time, we can’t afford new shoes every three months for the fast growing toddlers, but when they become obviously in need of clothing we’ll get if for 'em. We usually buy them a size too large so they last longer, and then we hardly notice when they outgrow them. Since we have changing seasons here is WI, the kids are always wearing different types of shoes so we don’t notice when the tennies get too small over the winter. Same thing happens with summer clothes, you get the point.
And about the BIL’s secret room? We’ve got a room in our house that’s off limits to everyone else (it’s in a corner of the basement, storage only), but the wife and I keep all our old sentimental crap in there, no computer or grow lights :smiley: .
Maybe the SIL has episodes where her illness gets out of hand and she tosses the house or goes after the BIL’s stuff. He’s probably just protecting whatever he feels is his personal stuff is all.

kurahee, whatever you do, don’t get all stressed out about it.

147

Stepping in and doing what, exactly? Tell the authorities that you get a bad vibe from this guy? That you’ve seen him do exactly nothing wrong?

148

Kurahee, IMHO there are two posible courses of action open to you and your wife (and I think I know which way she’s leaning).

First, do nothing. Watch and wait. See what develops over time. You don’t have to deal with being accused of paranoia or trying to break up the family unit. What’s the worst possible outcome? Well, your niece could commit suicide or turn into a hooker. Extreme, but it’s a common outcome for abused females from what I have read. What’s the best possible outcome? They turn out to just be another weird American family going their own way and your niece at age 19 runs off to Swaziland with a rock star.

Second, report your suspicions to your local child protective service. Let these trained professionals look at the situation and see what’s what. What’s the worst possible outcome? Your BIL and SIL never speak to you and your wife again. What’s the best possible outcome? The children are taken away from an abusive family situation and BIL goes to prison for 123 years for child abuse and the largest porn collection ever documented.

What’s the right course of action? Damn,. that’s a hard choice. IMHO, I’d rather make a report and let the professionals take a look even if it turns out I’m wrong! because the consequences of doing nothing are so extreme.

Best of luck with your decision. Someday down the road, please post what develops. I’d like to know how it all worked out.

149

Fir na tine said what I was thinking, only much more clearly.

150

Good idea. Let’s just go one step further and call the CPS on every family that doesn’t run their household like you do. That’d be the safest way. Let’s just have the CPS investigate every family for signs of abnormality.

Shoot 'em all and let the CPS sort 'em out, heh?

We need more proof than the OP has.

151

Patience & observation seem to be the key.

152

Thanks for the offer. Sorry, I was joking about my wife and I getting a divorce. I forgot to put the :smiley: or the :stuck_out_tongue: after it.

Certainly, if we were to divorce, the problem would go away for me from a day-to-day thought/conversation point of view. But it wouldn’t change any potential problem(s) that exist in that house. This is my wife’s family, so I’d probably not keep up with things if we weren’t together.

It was just a joke. Badly misplaced… I’ll stop making the reference.

For the record, this has caused *some * strain, but not the kind to divorce over. Ultimately, we are concerned about the welfare of the children. That’s really all that matters here. I do realize, however, that acting without thinking could cause many problems that we aren’t prepared for. I was not sexually abused as a child. I don’t know what that would do to a child. My parents were also never accused of it. I’m not sure what that would do to a child either. But if they ripped the family apart for no cause, I imagine that would be traumatic too.

153

This is kind of my problem. I have discomfort, a gut feeling, but nothing really tangible. Is it a responsible thing to do to let CPS sort it out? I’m not sure anyone is perfect. We could all be doing something wrong in someone else’s eyes. I wouldn’t want to think that everyone was watching every move I make with my child, phone in hand, waiting to call the authorities.

Many of you have pointed out very rational reasons for the “room”. Some of you have suggested the “package” grabbing is some normal part of childhood curiosity/growing up. I simply don’t know.

I also don’t know how to talk to a child and drag something like this out of them. So I won’t even try. Taking the kids to a social event like Chuck-e-Cheese would be fun, but that’s all I’d want it to be. Not an interrogation by someone not qualified to do it.

He’s not father of the year, however. I’ve observed very selfish behavior. An example is the video games. Now most kids I know love to play and have an adult watch. Perhaps even play with them, but my nephew loves to show me how good he is. He doesn’t want me to play, he wants me to praise his talent. And he’s good! He can move those little fingers like nobody’s business. But when BIL is in the room, he plays the game alone and makes the kids watch him. no interaction, no “let’s play a game together”. It’s BIL on the PS2 and the kids waiting to be a part of it. Is that being a bad parent? I think so. But does it make him guilty of what we suspect? Hardly.

154

I could, by his (and your) logic, report damn near every family I know who raises their children and who conduct their lives differently than I do. Do you really want to live in a world where every time someone gets a bad vibe they call Big Brother to make sure you’re conforming to their idea of what people ought to be doing? The OP has nothing to go on. Vibes are a dime a dozen. I’m getting a *bad * one from this thread.

155

A bad parent? A BAD PARENT? Not interacting with his children to the level you’d like him to makes him a BAD PARENT? Could it possibly be that he just does some things wrong (like all of us)? Jesus. This thread is scary.

156

I think the idea that this family is just “different” is simply ignoring just how odd and how “different” they are. I don’t think it’s right to chalk up leaving children in the care of a seemingly seriously mentally ill woman is the sort of “difference” we should tolerate. I don’t think the man’s bizarrely selfish behavior towards his children is a healthy sort of “difference”. I don’t think mom having to scrounge to pay for the children’s lunch when the man has thousands of movies and video games is an acceptable sort of “difference”. I don’t think any of this sounds right - it sounds, in fact, like a terribly negligent family at best. There’s something seriously wrong here, and using the language of liberal tolerance as so many people here are doing means ignoring what strike me as serious signs of familial trouble of one sort or another.

157

I don’t believe a word of this whole drama; not the first post, nor the subsequent posts that flesh out the details.

158

It matters not. There are real families like this and you will come across something similar in your lifetime. Maybe you’ll learn from this discussion.

159

Real families like what, exactly? If any part of this fantasy is real at all, the lesson to be learned is not to spin wild fantasies out of the flimsiest of “evidence.”

160

You live a sheltered life Scumpup, I could describe to you in great detail a family three times as dysfunctional as the OP’s. You wouldn’t have the patience or apparently the will to believe it, so we’ll leave it at that.