Alcohol abuse & when to leave

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I wonder how it would be for you to take some time away and feel what it’s like not to live with that constant sense of impending doom. That might help you make a decision.

I hope you do what is right for you. It’s a sad place you are in. I was involved with a heroin addict at one point—he, too, was allegedly in recovery when I met him. But then the lies and the disappointment and the stealing from me and all that…it was crazy-making. You’d be amazed how deep the relief is when you’re out of that situation.

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[QUOTE=Red Stilettos]
I’m already in the trap of “this time it feels different. Maybe he gets it. How can I leave him now?” How do people ever make these decisions?
[/QUOTE]

As a veteran of marriage to an alcoholic, I can only outline the process I used. But oh yeah, the endless “maybe it will be better this time trap”. Know it well.

Several things jump out at me:

  • He promised to control/eliminate his drinking as a condition of marriage
  • He’s broken that promise, repeatedly and regularly.
  • It really doesn’t matter a damn why he continues to drink. Life will never be perfect, stress free or ideal for anybody. There will always be an excuse for him to drink.
  • He doesn’t want to depend on strangers, especially grotty substance abusers, to help him stop. So he’s thrown all the weight of his substance abuse onto you.
  • Here’s the question that finally tipped the balance for me, after 7 increasingly disillusioned, exhausting years: What are you getting out of this marriage?

Mileages vary, obviously. But from my hard-won experience, QtM is exactly right. Your husband’s drinking isn’t your problem. It’s a mental shift but a crucial one. It lets you take away his car keys when he’s drunk. It lets you call the police if he drives drunk. It lets you call him on his shit. Because you’re not a stranger, he’s using you to cling to some very dangerous false pride. In my ex’s numerous stints in rehab, the most valuable insight from a counselor was that he had to become honest with himself before he could even begin to heal.

Your husband is an alcoholic. Period. And he’s using you to stay so. That’s hard to write because it sure hurt so much to live it, and you already have plenty of pain. But your husband will lean on you and keep drinking just as long as you permit it. Love isn’t the issue. Actions are love.

My advice, worth precisely squiggles on a computer screen? You’ve already drawn lines in the sand, and he crossed all of them. That’s what addicts do. They push every boundary because hey, it might work. Anything that doesn’t immediately threaten to cut off their drug of choice is worth a try. You can’t control what he does. The repeated hope-disillusion freeze-thaw cycle is hell. Just about the only realistic option is to stop it. Your mental health deserves some serious and overdue attention.

Separate your finances. Weed through your possessions with an eye toward what you’d want to keep/move. Set aside time for yourself for things that make you peaceful and strong. Rebuild your life, and safety net, for a healthy alternative to life with him. It doesn’t have to be a threat. If he takes it as one, oh well. Again, his choice. Just having viable alternatives will take a lot of pressure off you. He might sense it’s finally crunch time. Which could be a mixed blessing. I doubt you have much trust left. From what you’ve written, I don’t think there’s a chance in hell he’ll self-cure this time either. Something will go wrong, he’ll get tired, upset, whatever, and the merry-go-round will spin on.

I do wish you so well, Red. It’s hard, really hard.

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[QUOTE=Red Stilettos]
I’ve already told him that one more drink and I’m out. Absolutely. I’ve also said that I might leave even if he doesn’t drink. At this point, I’m trying to really evaluate how much damage has been done to our relationship. Can it recover if he stays sober? Or will my thoughts and feelings always be colored by his addiction?
[/QUOTE]

But do you mean it?

Never make a threat you can’t carry out.

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In a sense, making an ultimatum like that and not following through with it is like him promising not to drink again and then peeing on somebody’s floor. You need to keep your promises, particularly that one.

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Yes, I absolutely mean that I will divorce him if he drinks again. I’m contemplating a separation now. The practicalities of a separation are troubling, though. He can’t afford to live here, so a separation would likely put us in different states and cost him his job. It makes a separation unlikely to end in anything other than a divorce. In which case, I would rather just go straight to a divorce.

For those of you writing about preparedness, trust me when I say that I am totally prepared to go it alone. I’m the breadwinner of the marriage. Our finances are, for the most part, separate. We’re living in the same city as my parents, so I have support for the aftermath. I’m ready should I decide to pursue either a separation or a divorce.

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Oh, as for how he quit before? He “just quit”. So that’s not much help, either.

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[QUOTE=Nava]
But do you mean it?

Never make a threat you can’t carry out.
[/QUOTE]

Quoted for emphasis. You say you’re serious, and I believe you; I just want to make sure you understand that if you make the threat and don’t follow through, you’ve lost credibility with him and he will not take any further threats seriously.

I think a trial separation is a great idea; some distance from a problem is very often what it takes to get the perspective you need.

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[QUOTE=Red Stilettos]
Yes, I absolutely mean that I will divorce him if he drinks again. I’m contemplating a separation now. The practicalities of a separation are troubling, though. He can’t afford to live here, so a separation would likely put us in different states and cost him his job. It makes a separation unlikely to end in anything other than a divorce. In which case, I would rather just go straight to a divorce.

For those of you writing about preparedness, trust me when I say that I am totally prepared to go it alone. I’m the breadwinner of the marriage. Our finances are, for the most part, separate. We’re living in the same city as my parents, so I have support for the aftermath. I’m ready should I decide to pursue either a separation or a divorce.
[/QUOTE]

Why would it put you in different states and cost him his job?