I’ve been following this thread with great interest to see the advice that people would give someone to become desirable. Reply is a person with a unique set of circumstances, and it’s been entertaining to see what people’s various 2 cents are.
My advice?
Yes, changing buzzwords on your OKCupid and updating photos is a great idea within the context of OKCupid. However, I feel like the odds of you finding a girl on OKCupid that matches sensibilities with you is slimmer than finding a girl in real life. I just feel like with the overemphasis on the dating profile, it’s my opinion that your best bet is with live dating.
You’re not the type to go to a bar and pick up chicks. You’re not even the type to join a singles group and take ghost tours and cooking classes. I’d say your best bet is to join (or start) your college’s outdoors club and meet girls that way. Or you can try taking a PE class at your college that involves the outdoors like canoeing or rockclimbing. Or join an outdoors club in general in the area. Maybe diversify your outdoorsiness to include surfing or snowboarding. Lots of asian chicks digging surfers and snowboarders.
The reason for doing this is threefold. One is that the girls there would automatically share in your interest so you don’t have to sift through dating profiles online. Two is that you’ll be in your element and have an automatic topic to talk about so you don’t have to flub about with smalltalk. Lastly, you get to flaunt your expertise. Both men and women are attracted to competence.
I don’t think your self confidence is so low that it needs rescuing. Neither do I think you’re so self-depricating to the point that it’s hindering you. I don’t even think you’re in a slump. It just sounds like you’re a bit of an introvert and that you’re not used to socializing with women as equals (putting that pussy up on a pedestal). Once you hang out more with women in platonic settings and learn to not fear them, you’ll be fine.
Example of putting the pussy on the pedestal? Your quip of asking “hey… nice… tofu.” Yeah. It’s not the best icebreaker but it’s not terrible either. It’s so lame that it’s transparent that you think the girl is cute and want an excuse to talk to her. It’d be no different than asking about her bracelet or the weather or a million other lame icebreakers guys use to initiate conversation. The problem is that you don’t know where to go from there, which is fine. Most guys don’t. That’s why you should have icebreakers at those activity-get-togethers I suggested earlier. You can lead the conversation to rockclimbing.
How to do it properly -> a funny story the last time you rockclimbed -> funny story unrelated to rockclimbing -> hopes and fears -> sex -> babies… etc.
I think the profile is much better, and I laughed when I got to the “first thing people notice” bit. A sense of humor is a good thing to show off, especially in a non-mean way like you did. It’s good to see more of your face, because it’s a good face.
The concepts behind the dating profile are the same as the concepts behind dating in general. Try to put the best you out there. Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Talk about what you want and need and what’s a bonus but not necessary. Have a sense of humor. Wear more green.
Who said anything about being run-of-the-mill? I know “normal” is the other n-word around here, but by “normal” I don’t mean “watches Two and a Half Men.” I mean not a complete fucking weirdo.
So your new profile is a godzillion times better. It maintains all of the “Earthy bullshit” that’s important to you while still coming across with personality and a sense of humor. You know, normal. Much more enjoyable to read, still gives a good sense of who you are and what you’re into, better photos, and I also totally chuckled at the younger/much younger captions.
Also, being in better shape is always a good thing. Some girls may not put a whole lot of emphasis on it, but many do, and being fit is just plain more attractive than not. Plus I think it’s good for you or something. So fit is good, but being muscular really isn’t important.
If you’re willing to regularly be a designated driver, we may have something to discuss.
Okay, maybe not a suit (but seriously, guys look good in suits!); maybe just dress up a bit in one picture to show that you are capable of something other than brown cotton clothes. I think it would benefit Reply to show that he is more than just a granola crunching yoga fiend vegan.
Something else occurred to me; Reply basically needs to have a relationship to get his confidence up and get used to women being just humans, not some kind of scary fantasy. Maybe you should broaden your parameters, Reply, rather than looking for The One. Maybe This One will be your practice relationship.
I think you’re a good looking guy - I don’t think you need to work harder on HUGE MUSCLES or anything. I’d hit it.
I’d honestly suggest you spend MORE time looking for women on OKCupid, just because it lets you focus your attention on other vegans who don’t shave their legs and want to live in a hemp house and make hemp babies with you. But as for “how on earth do you talk to women at the vegan coop”, and mind you I have never had any luck with those “meet people at the grocery store!” things, the way you do it is say “Hey, have you tried that brand of soy milk before? Is it any good?” and start a conversation that way. If she wants to keep talking to you, she will, and if not, she won’t. This is good practice - it’s definitely not threatening or anything, so you can try it out a lot on all kinds of women.
ETA - another piece of advice (although this may be harder for guys) - when I broke up with my ex I promised myself I’d go out with anybody who gave me the opportunity who I didn’t think was scary or dangerous. Football player? What the hell, give it a try. Dirt-worshipping redwood dweller? Sure, let’s go! Go on at least one date with everybody you can possibly go on one date with (online dating is also good for this.)
This is something that we don’t hear enough around here. People act like the only possible ways you can look are like you don’t work out at all, and like you spend all your time in the gym. There is a happy medium, and most guys would look better if they aimed for it.
Yes! Set your bar at something like “in the next year my goal is to date someone for at least x weeks”. Maybe that is three, maybe it’s sixteen. That might keep you from coming across as needy. Many of us had our starter relationships in high school (or earlier) where seeing one person for three months constituted a long term relationship.
I like the new profile. A sense of humor is almost always good.
Even crunchy hippies generally like a sense of humour (unless you insult homeopathy or reiki, as I find out pretty often).
Don’t get worked up out about your physique, so long as you’re pretty fit and healthy (you have to help build that house, remember?), a nice smile is the most important bit, and you’ve got that; just work on not coming across as needy or desperate- I know that’s damn hard if you are getting a bit desperate, but really, girls can sense it a mile off.
Do you go to any festivals or similar? They can be a good place to meet lots of people, especially if you can find one themed around your interests, and in that sort of environment there’s not so much stress on getting it all right first time as if you don’t hit it off, you don’t have to see them again after the festival is over, but you can always stay in touch if you do hit it off. I know quite a lot of people who met their SOs that way.
Filbert
Veggie, 29, single, female, wants to live in a self build, fine with justifiable lack of money, and Asianness… but lives in England
My two cents. Start by not being quick with an excuse. Even if you realize you said something wrong or had faux pas. Not everything that matters. Try not to couch your responses to cover all bases. Don’t be wishy-washy, give affirmative responses even if it is an affirmative “I’m not really sure.” Be decisive. Don’t always ask “what do you want to see?” or “where do you want to eat?”. If you just choose sometimes, you will get a better response when you do ask “what would you like to see?” Another approach, if you have a certain restaurant in mind ask if they like that type of cuisine, if the response is positive then suggest the restaurant of choice. Your date won’t feel like they are choosing for you.
First two are good points. Wouldn’t worry too much about the last two. Just don’t offer them up as negatives. Somebody earlier was right when they said you need to be promoting yourself. Accentuate the positives. There is upside to being broke and in school. You have plans and better future potential. You could be broke and living in a box.
It is fine to like your friends. But if you want to keep them as friends, don’t try to date them. If you are continually able to date friends… have it fail… and still remain friends, I suspect you aren’t getting that emotionally involved or you denying your feelings afterward.
If that is your choice but not something you will demand of a future mate, I would make it a bit less front and center. Making it such a main point identification gives others the impression that it is one of the very most important things to you and anyone around you. The things that really matter to you will become obvious on their own.
Dude you are going to be fine. My dad gave me a couple of great pieces of advice way back in the day. He said a relationship is like a marathon. Don’t get so caught up in the excitement at the start that you rush ahead of yourself. In other words, try to relax a little, don’t feel you have to explain you, and everything about you in the first couple dates. And the second thing was don’t just talk to your date, have a conversation. If you make a statement, end it with a question. It keeps things moving back and forth.
What do you think of that?
(see what I did there?)
To the OP:
Embrace the dark side. Move to the worst part of Buffalo or Cleveland and become a drywaller with a gambling addiction or worse. Make extra money doing favors for the local mob. You’ll then have no trouble getting certain types of women that you never knew existed. You’ll get in a lot of 3am screaming matches, but it’ll all be “fun” in retrospect.
I’ve been married seventeen years - still happily. My husband and I met eleven years before our first date, and were really good friends for about five years before we started dating. We were never really single at the same time, so while there was a mutual, unacknowledged, attraction - it wasn’t a pertinent question. HOWEVER, when we started dating we had a pretty good idea that either it would blow up spectacularly and leave a lot of shrapnel, or if it lasted six months, we might as well start talking about where we want to retire.
I’m friends with several old boyfriends - it isn’t that the relationships weren’t deep, just that we weren’t compatible people for sharing lives - just compatible friends. I still like them, they still like me.
Date your friends if it works for you. Be aware that there is some creepiness for women in finding out a friend you don’t feel a spark with is romantically interested in you - I’d be honest about it “I think there may be something, but I value your friendship. If you think there may be something, lets go out for (drinks/dinner/coffee/a hike in the woods as more than friends) and give it a shot. But if you don’t, just let me know now because I don’t think you can force that sort of thing, and I’m not willing to trade the person I like for the potential girlfriend.” (I “asked” my husband out by asking him “why haven’t we ever dated?” His response “I didn’t think you’d go out with me.”)
Her reaction is going to be 1) I never thought you’d ask, or 2) maybe there is something, I’m up for trying or 3) no, I don’t feel it or 4) weird…creepy. Only “weird…creepy” is a bad result. The first is great, the second worth a try, the third maintains the status quo.
