Am I a cold-hearted bitch?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi there, all. Carrie here…long time lurker. I’ve decided to register and post because this question has just been eating away at me, and I know you guys are a good source of honest, impartial, logical advice and opinions. Warning: this is probably going to get a lot longer than I intend for it to. Feel free to skip.

Okay…a little background. I dated this guy for about 5 months. Absolutely the worst relationship I’ve ever been in. Don’t want to go into a lot of long details, but here are a few highlights:

–He refused to even meet my family, even though he knew they are the most important thing in my life.
–He constantly sponged off me…somehow I ended up paying for EVERYTHING we did together.
–He lied, he lied, he lied. Constantly.
–He led me to believe he was divorced, when in fact he was only separated. When it finally came out in the fifth (and last!) month of our relationship, and I obviously got very upset, he said, “I thought you knew.” I mean, come on. You’d think that would be something he would remember telling me. “Oh, by the way…I’m married.” That’s not something you just “forget” to say.
–And here’s the kicker…the thing that FINALLY got my stupid ass to break up with him for good…he cheated on me. After I found out about the first girl, I found out that over the course of our relationship, there were actually FOUR other girls that he either had a fling with or at least tried to have a fling with. And those are just the ones I know about.

There was so much else wrong with this relationship, I couldn’t possibly put it all here. Suffice it to say, when I finally got out of it, I had lost 20 pounds, was put on anti-depressants, and went to see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. That’s how bad this guy screwed me up.

We broke up about, oh, four months ago. It was very hard for me to break things off with him completely, because he was one of those guys who was very good with words…“I love you, I can’t live without you…can’t we at least be friends? I can’t live life without you in it, even if it’s just as friends.”

Like an idiot, I tried that “friends” thing. Didn’t work. It’s only been about two months that I’ve broken off contact with him completely, although he still sends me the occasional love poem via email, asking me to come back.

Okay, up to the present situation. (Still with me?) Last week, I was packing up my apartment. I discovered that I was missing a small stuffed lizard that my best friend had given to me. I loved that little lizard. And I remembered that I had loaned it to the asshole mentioned above to put on his computer at work, and had forgotten to get it back when everything went to hell.

Obviously, I want the lizard back, but I don’t want to confront this guy in any way. I don’t want any contact with him whatsoever.

So I come up with a plan…I’m friends with a guy who works at the same place the jerk does. He’s IS, he’s there at all kinds of weird hours, he has access to the entire office. So I ask him just to swipe the lizard off the jerk’s desk and bring it back to me. It’s not technically stealing, since after all the lizard does belong to me. The creep doesn’t know I had anything to do with it, I get my lizard back. Everybody’s happy.

For some reason, my IS friend decides just to ask him for the lizard. Auughh!! He refuses to give it over, tells my friend that he’ll get in contact with me and give it to me then. When I get home that day, I see from my caller ID that he’s tried to call me twice. He doesn’t try anymore, though, and I have yet to get the lizard back.

Next day, I come home to the following message on my answering machine from some girl: “You don’t know me, but I know you, and I just want you to know that I think you are an evil, mean-spirited, coldhearted bitch. I don’t know how you can look at yourself in the mirror and think you’re a good person. You’re such a f*ing bitch.”

It is definitely in reference to the lizard situation…I can’t think of anything else going on in my life that could possibly get some stranger to say things like that to me.

It upset me so badly…I was bawling for two hours after I listened to that. It just kills me that there is some strange girl out there who thinks these things about me, and I don’t even have the chance to defend myself. I have that horrible disease of wanting everybody to like me.

Okay, so my question is, do you think she’s right? I have to admit…part of the reason I wanted the lizard back had nothing to do with the fact that it was a present to me–I just didn’t want him to have it. And maybe I should have just asked him for it myself, or just let him keep it. He probably sees this as me trying to hurt him one last time.

Of course, I realize that you are only getting to hear my side of the story…but I’ve tried to be as honest about everything as possible…even my own motives.

Geez, this is long. Sorry about that. And reading back over this, I realize that I pretty much already know the answer to my question. But it’s helped me to write it out, and I’m curious to hear your comments, so I’m going to go ahead and post it anyway.

2

The girl who called and left you the message was not only a coward, but an absolute hemmorhoid.

3

Cut your losses now. Remember that lizard fondly, but do not put another erg of energy toward that loser or his new ho.

I say this with all sympathy.

*Aenea, who has met her fair share of losers and is learning.

4

Also probably another girl he is lying to, so I would not take her abuse seriously. Who knows what he told her; besides, what is so cold hearted about wanting -your- lizard back, other that the obvious non-mammal/reptile reference to self-regulation of body temperature.

I think you should block his email address (free email services let you do this) and you can do the same for your phone- even if it costs a few bucks, it would be worth not being upset by him. BTW- if you see him in person, kick him in the 'nads a few times. This discourages all but the most stubborn men. Besides, if he treated you, his wife and his kids this way, you can bet that a bunch of other people want to do much worse.

No. You’re not a bitch, cold -or- warm hearted.

http://www.dogdoo.com <—I don’t know how that got there.

5

There is a world full of people much more worthy of your time and energy. Forget the lizard. Forget the trash-mouth girl who called you. And most of all, forget the loser. HE screwed it up, not you. He wants the lizard? Let him have it. You escaped with your self-respect and your sanity relatively intact. Change your number and e-mail if you feel you must, but don’t lessen the important step you’ve made by back-sliding.
I’ll buy you as many lizards as you want. Just let me know.
struuter

6

I agree with everyone else that you should cut your losses.

I can’t replace your lizards, but I do have a taxidermied bullfrog band if you want them.

7

Hi Oreo, (I love your cookies!!)

Forget him. have some fun, like sending him a pigs heart with nails through it surrounded with barbed wire for valentines day, and the like…
move on, ignore his games and in a month you’ll be happier and will have forgotten him

p.s. welcome to the board!!!

8

If the desire for some sort of vengance rages through your heart give his wife a call. Fill her in on all the sordid details you know. It will help her during divorce proceedings. If he confronts you, you can say, “I thought that she knew”.

9

You had the right idea in just asking your friend to grab the thing and bring it back to you. I confess that I did this exact same thing myself once. I would NEVER steal something from a co-worker (or anyone else, for that matter), but I had no qualms about anonymously taking back something that belonged to me in the first place. What was it about “Just pick it up when he’s away” that your friend didn’t understand?

My BF of six years died suddenly some time ago. Not only did his psycho family proceed to try to ruin me financially, they also refused to give me anything of his. And I wasn’t asking for the several-thousand-dollar diamond ring I’d given him or anything else of monetary value (god knows those money-grubbing freaks wanted to get every dime of profit they could out of his death, how sick); what I wanted was exactly the things they would have just pitched in the trash anyway - the notes I’d sent him, a tiny little pewter lizard (coincidentally), seashells from a trip we took to the ocean, etc. It was very painful to have this additional insult and loss piled on top of the death, but I ultimately decided that the physical objects, no matter how great their sentimental value, were not worth soiling myself by continuing to make any effort to contact these utterly evil people.

Not exactly like your situation, but in the same general neighborhood. If it is still an option (that is, if the ex didn’t already throw it away for spite), have your friend get the lizard for you (and do it right this time), and the hell with the ex knowing that you did have something to do with it. If your friend still can’t grasp “take it, don’t ask for it”, ask if you can go in with him during an off-time and pick it up yourself. (Don’t know the workplace, so don’t know if this is possible, or if it is really that important to you.) If the lizard is already long gone, let it go. I still remember my little pewter lizard and what it meant, even though I can’t hold it in my hand anymore.

As for the psycho girl calling you, who gives a shit about her? One occasionally runs into those types (if you’re still relatively young, as I surmise, I must reluctanly assure you that this one will probably not be the last you’ll encounter in life), and, while it may be upsetting to you at first, consider how much it actually means - zip, zero, nada. Last week she was probably calling someone else with similar messages, and next week it will be yet another. If it really bothers you, screen your calls or change the number, but that’s giving it more weight than it deserves. Why would you care what some total stranger who has never met you and knows nothing about you decides to think or say about you? Psychos are NEVER worth the time you’d spend on them.

Hope I don’t sound too surly; I’m really a nice person, at least when not being tormented by crazies. Being entertained by crazies, that’s different. :slight_smile:

10

You asked for honest, impartial, and logical. Here goes:

You should have left after the second lie, possibly the first depending on the severity. Anything after two is your fault for 1) staying and 2) believing.

He lead or you wanted to believe?

The man was cheating on his wife and you’re surprised he would cheat on you? C’mon.

Are you a bitch? Nothing in this story would indicate it. Naive? A distinct possibility. Care too much about others opinions of you? Absolutely, as you admitted.

Next time keep your head out of the sand and both eyes open.

The real moral of the story seems to be “Don’t give the lizard until a ring is on your finger”. Or something like that.

11

What a loser.

You have my sympathies - I am chiming in as another “loser magnet.” Just want to echo some of the statements made:

Cut off all contact with him - I like the blocking, then you don’t even have to know he tried.

Forget the bitch who called. If she doesn’t even know you, then she doesn’t know what you are like, either.

Try again to explain the concept of “when he is not there” to your lizard-snitching accomplice. If the lizard is already gone, proceed to the next step:

Forget the whole thing.

12

Oreo, welcome. nice to read you. :slight_smile:
fuggetta bout im! he’s history. you said it yourself, he lied, and lied again, so you did the right thing. you are definitely NOT a bitch. as for the lizard, well, theyr’e cold blooded, so maybe it should stay with him and his new ho. Get yourself a cat or dog. They are much warmer and friendlier, and they show their appreciation more as well. Oh, and if you really want a new boyfriend, try someone not married, or someone who is actually completely divorced, as in on paper… and if you like younger men, i’m very single :smiley: jk, don’t take any of what happened personally, i’ve just been going through a break up myself, it sucks, it’s really hard to seperate from someone you are used to regardless of whether they are jerks or not, but none of any of this is your fault. If you can let go the lizard, you might be a little happier, and in time, everything will come together again. don’t fret, he’s the bitch. You? your’e just slightly naive, maybe a little too trusting, maybe just more hopefull than was necessary. I’m sure you’re a fine woman. You recognize what happened maybe too late, but you learned from this hopefully, so now you can move on. And lizards are going to be lizards. Him i mean. as for your lizard, if he doesn’t just come over and drop it off, it’s not worth your time.
welcome again to the board. enjoy your stay.

13

Here’s what I think:
[ul]
[li]The woman that called and left a nasty message dialed the wrong number.[/li][li]From your description, your ex-boyfriend is a jerk.[/li][/ul]

14

Thank goodness you got out of that relationship. It sounds like 5 months was about 4 months to long. From your side of the story, I’d say you’re not the bitch. I’d say the woman who left that call on your answering machine is very suspect though.

Anyone who would put up with all the crap that guy was dishing out is nothing but the most patient human around.

About the lizard, well, it’s never fun to lose anything like that. You could try to have your friend attempt to liberate it again, although that might not work out to great. You may just have to cut your losses. Maybe you can find a duplicate one somewhere?

As for now, I highly recomend a large icecream cone eaten somewhere near water. It helps.

cygnus: That’s awful. Sometimes you just have to stop and wonder if there are any good people left out there. But then, when I’m feeling like that I’ll generally log on here to reassure myself that there are.

-niggle

15

Okay here’s a follow-up post to clarify a few points.

No, swiping the lizard is no longer an option. He apparently took it home with him that day.

I have written off the lizard, as many of you have said. I know now that in order to get it back, I would have to have some kind of interaction with him, which is what I was trying to avoid in the first place. So it’s gone. Oh, well. It’s not worth my sanity.

About staying with him after the lies: You are absolutely right. But you also kind of have to know more about the situation. I didn’t KNOW the whole time that he was lying. When I found out about the not–divorced thing, it kind of opened my eyes, and it was then that I started catching him in lies. This is how I found out about the cheating. It all kind of snow-balled at once…but it still took me a month to end it. Stupid and idiotic of me, I freely admit.

That’s mostly what caused the depression. Not that “He didn’t really love me!” It was more that I was so angry at myself for letting such a loser have so much control over me and my emotions, when I knew better.

For the record…I’m much healthier now. Have gained some of the weight back (I didn’t want it all back, anyway!;-))
Best of all, I’ve found a wonderful guy. He’s ambitious, he’s sweet…he’s always doing nice little things for me that mean so much. My family and friends love him. He’s everything the other guy wasn’t. So basically, I’ve got my life back.

16

Ditto…the guy is a putz…you on the other hand, sound quite normal.

What you need to do is find a guy like me…or Mr. Cynical…soulsing is kinda groovy too.

Someone who is ready to commit (after he gets to know you), family oriented, sweet, gentle and not willing to take an ounze of crap from anyone…and a large set of genitals doesn’t hurt either…like me…not like Mr. Cynical or soulsing. :slight_smile:

There are plenty of good guys around. ALL my friends wouldn’t dream of treating a women like this guy has.
Take your time…be very choosey and let them find you.

17

Drat, and here I was hoping that you were still free. :slight_smile: Congrats on finding someone who works. There’s nothing more rewarding than falling in love. <sigh>

-niggle

18

niggle, thanks for the remark. Sometimes I wonder too…but, like you said, it’s good to be able to look around - here, for instance - and see that the good people do exist. Sometimes, sadly, it’s just too easy to lose sight of them behind all those noisy, ugly people.

cygnus, who will never give up trying or believing, even if I do have to take a day off to hide under the covers once in a while.

19

Well, it looks like I got here too late to really be of any help. Seems as though you have it all figured out without me. Pretty nervy, IMHO. Anyhow, all I can add is BUY YOURSELF A NEW LIZARD. This is to remind you NOT to get into that kind of thing again, and in tribute to the poor lost darling forced to exist with that asshole!

20

No, you’re not a bitch, but wouldn’t that stuffed lizard just be a reminder of an unfulfilling, painful relationship?

The person who called you was a coward. She also might be one of TM’s (TM = That Man!) new girlfriends, and thus deserving more pity than anger.

Once you give someone a gift, your hand should be empty. If it isn’t, you are holding the strings that will tie you to that person until you have the courage to let go.

Let go. You’ll be the better for it.

~~Baloo