Am I a cold-hearted bitch?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Re: He was cheating on his wife, why wouldn’t he cheat on me?

Keep in mind–I thought she was his EX-wife. Therefore, not cheating. I mean, I met the woman a couple of times. Also, and I guess this depends on your definition of cheating, they weren’t together…they had been separated for a couple of years. So legally, yes, they were married, but they weren’t a couple.

Also keep in mind, once I did find out he was cheating, I left.

And he definitely led me to believe he was divorced. Quote: “I’m not married anymore.” Also, I can remember several occasions where I referred to her as “your ex-wife.” He never corrected me. I guess, yes, I should have asked right out if he was divorced, but I was naive and trusting. Won’t make that mistake again.

Also, I didn’t give him the lizard. I let him BORROW it. I made this very clear at the time, although I’m sure he would conveniently “forget” it happened that way if I bothered to ask him. But I never would have given it to him…it was a gift to me, and I would never give away a gift. I gave this guy plenty of other things that I don’t care a hoot about…a watch, a CD, a couple of pictures in nice frames…he can keep’em. I just wanted the lizard because A.)It had sentimental value to me that had nothing to do with him, and B.) It’s mine, dammit!

But like I said, it’s not worth it. I’m letting the lizard go.

You know, really…this thread wasn’t supposed to be about my relationship with this guy–That whole situation is pretty much over and done with. I just wanted opinions on how I handled the lizard situation. But I thank you all for your input…and any more is welcome, on either subject!

And guys, thanks. :slight_smile: This new relationship is VERY new, and I’m taking things VERY slowly, but if it doesn’t work out I just may take you up on those offers!

Oh, and ladies…if there’s anything I learned from this whole situation, it’s TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!! Mine were setting off alarms the whole time I was with this guy. Now I know how to pay attention to them.

22

Oreo–

I know I am chiming in late on this, but I had to comment because virtually the same thing happened to a new girlfriend I had in college. She used to go out with this total loser who was a manipulative liar (I am being kind here–I knew the guy before I started to date his ex). A couple months after she had broken up with him, she realized that he still had some of her things (stuffed animals, pictures, etc.) so she called him and asked him to return them. In this regard he was a step above your ex, because he did mail the stuff to her in a box. But a couple days later she got a letter from the woman he was now with, and it sounded a lot like the phone call you got. The letter ranted about what an ungrateful bitch she was, blah, blah, blah. She was really hurt by this and stewed over it for weeks, but she finally accepted that it had two possible explanations:

  1. The woman who sent the letter was a total bitch and as such the loser deserved her. OR
  2. The woman who sent the letter was as deluded as my girlfriend had been at the time, but would soon find out what she had gotten into.

In either case, all my girlfriend could eventually muster was pity. And in the end, pity is much more fulfilling than anger.

Oh yeah–almost forgot. My then-girlfreind and I have been married for almost 10 years now and have three great kids. I can tell you that if she ever does happen to think about that letter, it just brings a laugh now.

Trust me–you will look back on this someday and shake your head in disbelief that it ever mattered so much to you.

Best of luck with you new guy–he sounds great!

23

Oreo -

I just re-read my post and realized it sounds much more heavy handed than I intended. I initially read your bullet points as a chronological story of the relationship - lies, then the “separated, not divorced” thing, then cheating. I apologize if I sounded like Dr. Laura.

Oh, and the lizard comment was just a little innuendo probably better understood if you were a male. Or maybe only understood by me. That happens, too.

24

Oreo, I just read through the whole thread and see you’ve got things in hand. Just wanted to let you know I’m glad!

(Have to admit, though; after a while I got to snickering when I saw someone writing “the lizard situation.”)

Welcome to the SDMBs!

:slight_smile: Ellen

25

You’re not a bitch.
He is a prick.
I liked the snatch-the-lizard-plan.
What other people think of me is none of my damn business.

Related topic:

I’ve been in several relationships. Not in one right now.
One ex hates me and wants absolutely no contact with me whatsoever. A couple of them became friends with me, no problem. (they’ve both moved to other cities, so we don’t have much contact anymore). One I even stayed with for awhile…(I slept on the couch)…her live-in boyfriend had no problem with it.
My last ex is civil with me, but doesn’t want much contact. I really think we’d be good friends, but I’m not pushing it.
All breakups were pretty much the same: the love just faded or we had differences that couldn’t be resolved.

MY QUESTIONS:
How many of you have become friends with ex-lovers?
What are the criteria?
Am I the only person who thinks trying to be friends with an ex is a good thing?

26

I don’t think I’m a jerk and I believe the Dopers that know me would attest to this fact. So, ladies…

27

I have gone both ways…it just depends on how the relationship ends.

I think the deciding factor, though, is…were you friends while you were together?

For example, I cannot be friends with the jerk discussed above, because he did not treat me as a friend would…he lied, he cheated, etc.

However, I AM still friends with my high-school sweetheart. He’s a great guy, always treated me right, but we did the different colleges long-distance thing, and it just didn’t work out.

Just my 2 cents on that topic.

P.S. Dr. Jackson…'sok! :slight_smile: You were right. And yes, I did “get” the lizard comment. lol

28

I love being friends with my ex’s. I wouldn’t have dated them if they weren’t the coolest people in the world! Its perfectly acceptable to be good friends except when the other party doesn’t get that it is only friends and not a continuation of the old relationship or friends-with-benifits. Then it sucks.

My fav is a high school buddy that the romantic relationship was never anything deeper than what we did in public. It confused most of the school when we broke up and acted the same. We look great together, we hold hands and love bird constantly. No chemistry beyond buddies. Its just our realationship. Highly theatrical and publicly affectionate. Confuses almost everyone. Unless they know both of us well.

Sorry about the jerk, Oreo. It happens to the best of us. Sounds like you are in good hands now. Appreciate them.

29

(In my best Marlon Brando imitation)

Well little lady. Seems as yous has a little choice to make.

I tinks I can maybe arrange a soitain little greetin’ for dis individual. Perhaps yous would like me to introduce him to my associate, “Sluggo”? I’m shuah deys would make very good friends.

;| I tink yous know what I means. . .

Anyting more would start at a fixed rate of $300 plus airfare. My soiveces will be available . . .
:slight_smile:

30

Well Oreo,
If it mean that much to you I got a lizard for you.
NO No I did not mean it like that.
smack
I have 1 (one) stuffed lizard I got when McDonalds had the beanie baby thing going on last year. Made Simon Marketing Inc LA california. by the chinese.

Hell, I do not need it all it does is sit here on my desk looking at me.
Oh and welcome to the SDMB.

Osip

31

Well, last night when I got home I had a message on my answering machine…guess who. Jerkboy.

He basically said that he’ll give me the lizard, but I have to come get it from him. He won’t give it to my friend, and he won’t bring it to me.

So now I have to decide whether or not the lizard is worth facing him again. Ugh.

I really, really want the lizard, but I’m afraid of an ambush. What if the bitchy message-leaving bitch is there, waiting to attack me? I am SO BAD at confrontations.

Maybe I should go, and bring my new guy with me…or maybe I should just forget the whole thing.

sigh

Advice?

32

Take it from a certified cold hearted bitch… it ain’t such a bad thing. In fact, it can be kinda fun once you get into it. Put it on like your an actress… the waltz up to his door is a really revealing outfit. Take the lizard. Kick him in the 'nads. It’ll be fun. And if the message-girl is there, let her rant. Then smile at her. The turn around and leave. It really upsets people when they cuss at you and you smile at them. evil smirk Believe me, I know.

33

Man… I need to slow down when I type.

34

If you go, take backup.
I assume Jerk doesn’t know about the new guy. If he’s willing then take New Guy with you. These confrontations are usually more civil when strangers are involved.

Go.
Demand the lizard.
If he doesn’t surrender it immediately then leave.
You have no obligation to listen to him since you had already written him and the lizard off.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

chrisbar

35

Why do assume that he is now telling you the truth? He is probably lying about returning the lizard. You have given him one last way to string you along and he will milk it to the max. Give up on the stupid lizard. You are walking into an ambush and you have no chance of getting the lizard back.

36

I’LL buy you a new lizard if you promise to never talk to or think about this guy again. He used you for your kindness (paying for everything is a REAL treat!), he lied to you, and he cheated on you…not once…but many times. You’re worth more than that. Don’tcha know that guys like this aren’t worth losing weight, therapy, etc.?

The girl that called you appears to me to be ONE of the girls he’s been seeing. Maybe she found the lizard…maybe she saw his cell phone call list. Who knows? Whatever…he’s sold her some line about you. If the facts are as you stated…no…you’re not the bitch that she claims you are.

37

Oreo-

So great to have you! Anyway, I read that he is willing to give the lizard back to you. You fear the guy and his witchy new friend. Go with your new boyfriend. Do you have a brother or two? Maybe if you appear with about 2-4 guys in tow, you can say “Oh! I was just going out with my friends and decided to drop by for my lizard. I would like it now.” He will wonder why there are so many guys that like you. He doesn’t know your family so if you have any brothers, he won’t suspect anything. And if you kiss your boyfriend in front of him, he will become absolutely infuriated. Which, believe me, is what you want.

38

Good answer.

39

You are not a bitch, but I might suggest giving it a try. That jerk won’t walk all over your heart once you turn on the Inner B.

As the lizard means so much, take some strong male sorts with you and get it.

The girl who called is obviously on his side, and means you no good. Steer clear of that one.

I would send you a lizard, if it would make you feel better.

Heck, you’ve already got a new guy, so I suggest instead that when you look in the mirror, you think ‘what a babe I am, MEOW’ and let the jerk and his new girlie have each other.

40

I’ll summarize:

He is a sociopathic liar - I’ve seen them and their wreckage umpteen million times before. He’ll keep getting girls and keep destroying them.

Your IS friend is no friend, or is a loser. If he wasn’t going to swipe the lizard like he said, he was honor bound to just return to you and say he couldn’t do it. Asking the guy for it blatantly was oppositional towards the whole plan in the first place. You need to watch this guy, even if he seems nice - he’s unreliable.

The girl who called you is trailer trash. Unless you were actively harassing him, she had no cause to get involved. Her getting involved is, in her mind, a strange attempt at “proving” herself to him.

And while I’m judging people in this matter, I’ll judge YOU. As soon as you found out he was not divorced, or the lies started to really pile up, you should have broken it off immediately.

Consider the lizard the price you pay for that mistake and feel fortunate that you didn’t lose something much more important (car, ring, etc).

Stop crying, believe in yourself, and write both him and the lizard off. Learn to recognize this personality pattern in men, and cut them off cold turkey as soon as you see the first indications of it. If they call, get caller ID. If they e-mail, turn them in for harassment. If they come by, get a restraining order, a large mean dog, or learn to take responsibility for your own life by getting a firearm and take courses to learn proper, safe, responsible use of it.

Men who exhibit these sociopathic sexual-manipulative patterns are the cause of thousands of books written by women on “how to avoid bad men” etc. And they sometimes become violent if you cut them off too early in the relationship, at least before they find someone else.

I’m not trashing men here - although I joke about it sometimes, overall they’re no better or worse than women. Of course, since I’m a lesbian, it is easier for me to see this in men when it manifests. But I have fallen for a bad woman or two who have done the same sorts of things, but I was able to break it off as soon as it became clear. They’ll call, they’ll cry, they’ll promise the world, and you’ll sit and cry and think about dying alone - just find your own inner strength.

Oh, and welcome to the show. I hope we’ll be friends.