In this soon-to-be-infamous thread, Priceguy opined the following:
Is this true? If I were to say that I just do not find fat women physically attractive (and by “fat” I assume we are talking grossly overweight here and not simply unskinny) and that, while I have no problems being close friends with them, I simply have no desire to pursue a sexual relationship with a fat woman, would you all me a shallow asshole?
Or would you acknowledge that physical attraction is not something we can control and that we cannot force an attraction where there isn’t one?
Well, let’s see. Provided this woman is great in every way, and the only reason you would not date her is because of her weight?
Well, you can’t do much about physical attraction. Maybe it’s not shallow, but you wouldn’t win the award for being the deepest person in the world.
See, I dislike broad brush statements - “I’m not attracted to fat people”. It allows no wiggle room for that one person that, despite weight, really rocks your world.
So if you’ve given someone a fair shake and they just don’t do it for you, that’s about all that one can ask for.
Unfortunately we humans are not in control of what we find sexually appealing. If you’re not sexually attracted to a woman, it doesn’t make you a shallow asshole for not wanting to date her. However, many people are sexually attracted to other things besides just appearance. It doesn’t make them especially deep if they base who they date on those attractions, either.
I never get those reactions either. Whatever floats your boat, godzilla. Notice that when a guy says he likes his girls big (usually with phrases like “the bigger the cushion, the better the pushing” et cetera), he’s never accused of being shallow for not prefering thin girls?
Physical attraction is just that. You can’t control it - you can decide to ignore your urges, or act according to them. But as long as you treat everyone equal regardless of their weight, I don’t see how not being physically attracted to someone you consider “too fat” (and I’m sure that definition varies per person) is shallow in any way.
Irrelevant. The point is whether saying I won’t date women that have a particular characteristic that I find unattractive makes me a “shallow asshole.”
“Pretty shallow” I can understand. “Too picky” I can also understand. But “shallow asshole” just seems way too harsh to me…
If seeing her naked doesn’t give you an erection, or worse, makes it wilt, what’s the point? Who wants to be forced to make love in pitch dark or close their eyes and pretend she’s attractive? Also, if you are athletic and want a woman to be able to run, ski, with etc? It also works in reverse for women and fat men. I wouldn’t blame any woman who is not attracted to an obese porker. Fit women and men make better lovers anyway. Tight abs and glutes make all the difference, as they are the chief muscles involved in sexual motions. I love being able to hold my lover’s ass in both hands, have her wrap her legs around me, and make love standing.
You like what you like. Many of my boyfriends have shared the same characteristics–some actually look alike. It’s obvious that I have certain preferences.
However, I’ve dated a couple of overweight guys, not hugely obese, but kind of fat, and it wasn’t so bad. Their weight was the least of their problems. Hehe.
As a fat woman who’s married to a man who doesn’t prefer fat women, I have to say that it depends on a lot more than just looks. If a man truely enjoy a woman’s company, but doesn’t have any physical attraction to her, what makes him think that there’d be an attraction if she were thinner? Maybe the two of them are just ment to be friends.
If a chick isn’t attractive, I won’t date her, period. This means she has to be thin (not anorexic thin, but no excessive fat should be visible). I don’t care if this makes me “shallow”. If I can’t get turned on looking at you, I don’t want to date you.
Not everyone can handle being with a larger woman.
For the most part, she would not know whether or not you were shallow on this subject unless she approached you and you turned her down. Unless you go around verbalising your likes and dislikes to everyone, people won’t know.
Friends may think you are shallow for limiting yourself. However, personal preferences are just that.
I would much rather be with a man who loves me for me, than be with a man who thinks I have potential if he can convince me to lose weight. Not worth the mind games.
There’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to a particular body type. What makes someone shallow is if all they care about is looks. What makes someone an asshole is whether or not they can refrain from broadcasting the fact that they do not find fat people attractive and could never be with one.
I agree that no one should be called shallow or an asshole for not being attracted to everyone. You’re attracted to whom you’re attracted to, period.
HOWEVER:
If attraction is solely made up of how you react to a person’s appearance, yes, I think that’s shallow. How many times has your opinion (and attraction level) changed towards a person, over time, based on your interactions rather than initial impression? I know it happens all the time for me. I’ll meet someone, and think “Wow, what a hottie!”, then get to know them and the attraction is gone, because our personalities don’t click.
Or, I’ll meet someone and not be particularly impressed by their looks, but become very attracted after getting to know them.
And generally, I don’t equate assholishness with personal preferences. Being an asshole has to do with how you treat other people. Very different thing, that.
Now, if you met a heavy woman and became really attracted to her, but refused to go out with her because of what other people thought, I would think you were a shallow asshole.
What Giraffe said. Having a bumper sticker on your car that says “No Fat chicks” is a dead give-away.
You may also be unrealistic if you, yourself are “fat”, but want to only date “perfect women”. I have a freind who is “50 something”, he is semi-retired, and looks & acts a bit older than his age. But he is a real nice guy. So, there are a lot of women about his age, or late forties who have been attracted to him- however, he wants only “young cuties”. Unless he wins the Lotto, his expectations are unrealistic.
Personally, I prefer women a more on the “zaftig” side than current fashion dictates, but “morbidly obese” just doesn’t “float my boat”. I don’t think I am being “shallow” as I don’t care for anorexic women, either- anything unhealthy turns me off.
Let’s make a deal: I won’t consider you a shallow asshole for not wanting to date fat women if you won’t consider me a shallow asshole for not wanting to date men who make less than $50,000 a year. Everyone has their preferences, after all.
Really, you can’t help who you find physically attractive. It’s funny, though, how people can become more attractive the better you get to know them. Some perspective shifts, and suddenly everything looks totally different. The height, the weight, the facial features, whatever, now it looks beautiful to you, and you just can’t get enough. That sort of shift lasts through years and physical changes, making the saggy, wrinkled person who’s been by your side for last half-century just as beautiful as they were all those years ago. Being what people empirically call “hot” doesn’t tend to do that.
As long as you’re polite about, you might be shallow (it’s not my call to make) but you’re not an asshole. If you’re going around calling people porkers or fatasses or whales or mooing at them or whatever, that’s assholish. Turning down a date with a sneer and “I don’t date fat chicks,” would make you an asshole, just like “I don’t date short/bald/fat/geeky/poor guys,” would make me an asshole.
Nope. That’s your preference. Personally, I don’t think I could ever date a really-really skinny guy. Even if that’s how he was naturally, and even if he was a really great guy, I don’t think there’d be enough physical attraction to get things going. Now, mind you, if I ever find myself attracted to a skinny guy, I’ll go for it–but I don’t see it happening.
You’re only an asshole if you say, “heavy women aren’t attractive, and no one should think they are.” And you’re only shallow if you want a girl whose IQ is roughly equal to her dress size.
After having read a number of this type of threads and having seen a fair amount of this kind of thing in real life, I think what gets people’s underwear in a twist about this kind of thing is that many of the people being labeled shallow have (IMHO) overly narrow criteria for what they consider attractive. In my mind, shallow’s when people won’t consider the normal into their attractive range- i.e. people have to be beautiful to even be considered.
I think it’s only natural that people will classify as unattractive those who are obviously outside the norms of beauty(obese people, scarily thin people, etc…), but it becomes shallow when they classify people who meet most normal criteria for attractiveness as unattractive because they’re not perfect enough.
I’ll say that for younger men, a BIG part of why many of them don’t date bigger girls is because they’re worried about what other guys will think- kind of like the old moped/fat chick joke. It’s more of a game of one-upmanship than anything else- nobody wants to be the guy with the fat ugly girlfriend.
mmm. Yeah kinda. Hate to say it but no offence is intended. Inner beauty is your best bet mate. Faie enough if your out at a club cuz u dont know the lady so you have to go by looks, don’t you but if you know the lay and you do really like her it does seem a bit shallow that you don’t want anything sexual just because of her weight. Most people find that people who have outstanding personalities become more attractive in their partners eyes because of this. But as I say I mean no offence, just my opinion. Its up to you who you date but do try and think twice about the person and not the persons looks next time your deciding who and who not to date.
This was meant as a purely hypothetical question, and “not wanting to date fat women” was used solely as an example of people who only want to date members of the opposite sex they find physically attractive.
To address some of the specific comments, however, let me say the following about my personal tastes:
Yes, I prefer skinny women. I’ve met plenty of “voluptuous” women that I’ve thought were very attractive and would certainly consider dating, but but on the general spectrum of what turns Godzillatemple on, the thinner the better. Morbidly obese women, on the other hand, are a real turn off. What it basically comes down to is that I simply don’t find them feminine.
Having said that, weight is but one factor in what I consider “attractive”. A woman can be skinny as a rail and I won’t be interested if she doesn’t have what I consider to be a pretty face (and that is an EXTREMELY subjective criteria – many of the women I have felt were pretty over the years my friends thought were average or even ugly). More importantly, the woman has to have a personality that I find attractive. I wouldn’t date a supermodel if i didn’t like her personality, any more than I would date somebody solely because of their personality. The ability to have an intelligent conversation is also a huge plsu for me although, again, that by itself is not enough. It’s the total package, in other words.
I don’t disparage fat women publicly, and I am close friends with a number of women I would consider “morbidly obese.” I just don’t want to be romantically involved with them. And yes, on two occasions I have had one of these close friends express interest in me beyond simple friendship, and in both cases I simply said I wasn’t attracted to them in that way without going into specific details.
Oh – and I am not a skinny guy by any means, although neither am I grossly overweight, I’m sure there are plenty of women over the years who have rejected me because I am not their ideal of beauty, and I can’t hold that against them.
Having a bumper sticker on your car that says “No Fat chicks” is a dead give-away.