Am I an A**hole? Sure, but am I America's Biggest??

So yesterday, while tailgating before the Sox game, this adorable little thing came by our little gathering and started talking to us about a new show that Spike is casting, looking for America’s Biggest, ahem… Asshole.

She gave us little fliers with her casting company’s info and the e-mail to apply for the show.

Me: “Ok, what is it about me that you beelined from the other group over there, to hand ME this?”

**ALT (Adorable Little Thing) **: (laughing) “Oh, you just look like the kind of guy that probably knows a lot of assholes, not that I’d EVER think you were one…”

Me: “Ok, good answer. You really should go talk to some of those cub fans though”

ALT: “I did at first, but none of them could read the flier”

Me: Ok, I have to ask: how many times have you said the word asshole today. and how many drunks have taken the chance to offer impromptu proof of their assholishness by making lewd comments?"

ALT: “Hundreds, and at least one in every group, it’s hot and I’m really starting to get annoyed, and it’s harder and harder to keep smiling”

Whew, sure am I glad I held back on my initial instincts to be one of those guys.


(Disclaimer: These all popped into my head minutes after she disappeared to continue walking around the parking lot full of drunks, and do not reflect MY attitudes, only the ones I’d have were I considering to establish asshole cred)

“Damn, honey, please tell me you’re 18. Or at least 16-17, I could play dumb if you were that close”

“Is your mom hot like you? Because a mommy/daughter sandwich would be just the thing”

“How much does it take you to get drunk, because I have a full cooler here, and all afternoon to wait”

“I can’t decide if I want to stand here and talk with you, or just enjoy the view when you walk away”

It might be a tough job to cast for that show. America’s Biggest Assles don’t think they are. They’re convinced they’re reasonable, and right.

Talk about bombing the asshole test.

Also, they’re not entertaining. just infuriating.

Now if the show called, say, “Introduce an Asshole’s Face To a Wall At High Speeds. Repeatedly,” then it would certainly be a show worth watching.

I tossed the flier, but there was something on it like “are you one that always says what’s on your mind no matter what it is, and YOU think you’re hilarious, but people around you just call you an asshole?”

So, yeah.

Damn. If my wife were a judge, I’d win hands down. I’m ever so clever in my world of dripping sarcasm.

I think, as a die hard Sox fan, that I might just love you both.

The fact that a show abour America’s biggest assholes is being considered saddens me. Idiocracy may well be prophetic.

OK, so let me get this straight: She’s deliberately seeking out assholes, and she’s getting annoyed that she’s finding them? Is she maybe in the wrong line of work, here?

Are there plenty of assholes out there? Sure.

Are there plenty of assholes out there who want to be on TV? Of course.

But how many of them want to be portrayed as assholes on national TV? Not many, I’d wager. If you trick people into thinking they’re going to be on a different type of show, you might be able to film them acting like assholes. But who’s going to appear willingly on a show called “America’s Biggest Asshole”?

They’ve gotten people eat rats and horse rectums on TV.

I already found her.

How are they going to get the word “asshole” past the censors on TV? Even cable/satellite channels have censors, right?

Ann Coulter is several orders of magnitude worse than an asshole.

She’s most likely an unpaid intern, told to go out and do this. Her boss tells her it’ll be a fun way to spend part of a nice afternoon in the sun, and dangles a skybox suite in front of the gang. She starts the day about 11 or so, when the first tailgaters arrive, still digging the first beers out from under the ice and not yet completely obnoxious. Her cute sundress on, she’s maybe thinking the cute guys will notice, take a flier and let her move on.

As the afternoon wears on - and it got hot FAST, the thermometer on my car said 92 when I parked at 11:40 - and she realizes that she A) has nothing covering her short-ish blond locked head, and (2) - is approaching the two hour mark of walking in an asphalt parking lot with NO shade and the mood in the lot moves from happy sunny day party, to sweaty, trash talking fat guys chewing on cigars leering at her, I think it’s pretty inevitable that no matter what you expected walking in, this has the potential to become an unpleasant day.

So, I thought that too, but just figured all of the above and cut slack.

A local establishment once had 4 of the Blackhawks Ice Crew for a 4 hour outdoor party on a hot day. I’m a people watcher, and I was noticing how really really good the ladies were at dealing with crude and obnoxious behavior. A couple of them came by where my friend and I were sitting, and I brought that up - complimenting them and amazing at how they do it - for no real money.

(paraphrasing): “I go home, take a long, long shower, maybe soak in the tub, and when I’m out my boyfriend will be at the door to take me out for a nice dinner, some girly drinks and dancing.”

Sounds like a great guy.

“He’s imaginary. The shower/bath - check. The girly drinks and dancing - check. The boyfriend - replace with little black swishy dress, maybe Prince Charming will show up when he sees it, but the first man to mention that I have cute legs for an ice skater is going to be stabbed in the femoral artery. Thanks for asking hon, that was nice.”

And I got a hug.

Then I mentioned her legs.

No, they don’t.
Public TV has censors, because it’s public. Satellite / Cable doesn’t have sensors, although some Congressmen would like to see that it does. Fuckers.

Point her to this thread:

There’s actually a show on MTV called Bully Beatdown where guys who are serious assholes are sent into the ring with MMA fighters to get a whoopin’. Apparently it has done well enough in the ratings to get a second season.

Larry Flynt?

Haha. Some people’s children… There may be some validity to what Mr Bus Guy says, but seriously, the gal is silly. The asshole guys are plentiful when any (even if only slightly) cute girl has to deal with males, so having to seek asshole males specifically…

There was a VH1 reality show whose name isn’t important (primarly because I can’t recall, and am too lazy to Google) that tricked major douche bags into going on by claiming there was a show called Mr. Awesome. Mr. Awesome! Classic. I’d say that roughly translates to “America’s Biggest Asshole.”

Ah, Tool Academy! That’s what it was called. Footage of assholery was abound.