And men do notice attractive women. Even if they’re very happy in their current relationship. Over-reacting to normal behavior that (as far as we can tell from here) did not cross any line of decency or social norms, is gong to harm the relationship vastly more than whatever he did in that restaurant.
(if it happened)
Glancing repeatedly = checking out.
Moderating:
Don’t accuse other posters of lying. If you think there’s a problem with a post or a poster, report it.
Speaking as a woman, I just want to say really clearly that no, I don’t think it’s wrong for a man to check out a pretty waitress just because he’s in a relationship with another woman. Now, if he oggles the waitress in a way that makes her uncomfortable, that’s wrong. But casually telling his girlfriend that the waitress reminds him of a soccer player? Not wrong.
No, it doesn’t. If I glance repeatedly at a person because something looks off, familiar or both, that doesn’t mean I am “checking them out”.
Why would it be wrong to check out other women?
I mean, it’s a bit crass to do it in front of you, for sure. Definitely rude. And he reacted oddly when he got caught.
It sounds to me (as others have said) that you’re insecure. Do you really think that the waitress cares what your guy thought of her? She gets checked out hundreds of times a day. She probably gets asked out constantly, and occasionally harrassed, by customers. She doesn’t want him, even if he wants her.
Another woman is always waiting out there. Worrying about it is ridiculous: some guys leave you, and some guys cheat, but those are all survivable events.
I’ve been married a long time. My husband has certainly been attracted to other people, and had crushes on people, and so have I. Humans are gonna be human.
Next time, say “Why are you looking at other women when you have this?” Then grab his head and bury it in your chest. It could just save your relationship.
[Moderator Note - fixed quote]
Only if he was actually “checking her out”.
On a slightly more serious note, my gf doesn’t like it when I check out other women. I realized due to her scrutiny that I check out ALL strangers who enter my field of vision. I generally am not looking for sexual partners but looking for possible threats.
ETA
At the Henri David Ball this year, there was a very gifted pole dancer. I was blown away by her skills. I was honestly not attracted to her a bit. I was just in awe of her talent. My gf refuses to believe this.
I found the whole evening as described pretty strange. Why did you eat the whole meal in silence? Is that usual? Meanwhile he is off in his own world. Clearly checking out the waitress, and then this weird story about it.
I guess I feel like I have no understanding of what was going through his mind, and maybe you don’t either.
Something like this happened to me a few times in my dating days. (Thankfully happily married now).
I make a date with a woman I think I might like (being a hetero male).
We go out to a place we have sort of agreed on.
And then some guy starts talking to her… and she starts responding to him rather than talking to me.
Trust your gut. Your date is just not that into you. Time to move on.
I think you need to stop trying to thought police your boyfriend. Either take his explanation at face value or move on to a relationship where you feel more secure.
Since I feel like this matters to you, I’m a woman who has been married for 17 years.
There are some bizarre and damaging ideas out there about what romantic relationships are supposed to look like, one of which seems to be, “He must attend to you and worship you and you only 24/7 or he doesn’t really love you” and that’s bullshit.
Men notice attractive women, women notice attractive men, people notice attractive people, and as long as we aren’t being boorish about it, it’s of no threat to anyone.
If this isn’t the kind of thing about which you can talk openly, honestly, calmly, and productively with him, my first thought would be to work on that.
My second thought: are you dating Luis Rubiales.
[Hey. It could happen.]
My guess is that he WAS checking out the waitress, but men do that. And women do it to. It doesn’t mean anything. If an exceptionally attractive person walks by, it’s hard not to notice.
Now, if he had been actively flirting with her, that’s another thing. But he wasn’t. Just a few casual glances, right?
My guess is that something about her kept him glancing at her, and then he noticed that you were getting unhappy and realized he was being very visible about it, and made up a story on the fly to placate you.
You should just let it go, unless it’s part of a larger pattern of behaviour you haven’t told us. And are you sure you didn’t express your displeasure at his wandering eyes? It sounds like he made up an excuse to get out of potential hot water.
I give it 50/50 is that he really was looking because she looked weirdly familiar, and he was trying to figure out why. That’s a little too weird to be a random made-up excuse.
But it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong. Heck, he even tried to make conversation, which it sounds like maybe you didn’t.
[golf clap]
Was she a dead ringer for Wayne Rooney?
Yes. Pulled out his phone. Looked at the TV. Looked at other people.
Wrong.
If you two are together, his attention should have been 100% directed at you, your speech, and how to make you comfortable.
Unless this was not a “date,” but more of a “hang out and grab some chow and a few drinks,” or if you two have been exclusive partners for years, which does not seem the case.
And the OP’s attention should have been similarly focused.
Where was the conversation, the speech, the attention? It’s not any way to behave on a date in the early stages of a relationship.
IMHO both parties are to blame for not having ownership of this “situation” as it was unfolding. It shows a lack of attention and concern, and TBH, I don’t see any future for this relationship.