WTF? When she said that I looked down at the stage to see if he’d peed and was standing in it and she was trying to be euphemistic. I just hope that when she finally has her Norma Desmond meets Britney Spears breakdown it’s on air. I half expected it to come tonight. “David Archuletafetametarammalammadingdong you’re just so tubular and contrite with your fantasticism… come here and suck on my left breast so I can say you’re my baby! Come suck on mommy… and when you’re finished call me Dorothy and I’ll call you Toto Jew lemon puppy” all while a horrified Ryan tries to carry on with an “Okay, let’s see how she acts when the contestants actually come out and start singing! Singing his first number it’s David…”
The boxing analogies got really old really fast. It would have been cool if they’d let Cook and Archuleta come out and beat the crap out of each other in a no hold’s barred barefisted competition, but otherwise it ends there. (Was that Kent McCord of 1 Adam 12 fame as the announcer incidentally? And was that Luke Perry in the audience?)
Normally I see Simon as an amusing “tell it like it is [in his opinion]” Joan Rivers/Kathy Griffin/Don Rickles insult comedian slash host who’s pointed barbs are usually somewhere between devil’s advocate and dead on and certainly much needed citrus to take the Paula syrup taste out of your mouth; essentially a professional horse’s ass with some insight and above all a commercial product. Other times, and tonight was one, I see him as an obnoxious entitled spoiled horse’s ass rich kid who lived with his mommy and daddy in his 30s (which he did). It was clear he had Archuleta crowned, shrink wrapped and marketed in his mind. Did you notice how he shot daggers at DC when he said “I thought it’d be nice to do something I haven’t done before” (which I completely and totally agreed with, btw)? Don’t be a judgmental jerk for a living and then act put off when somebody disagrees with you. (And as for flawless music industry instincts- I know for a fact he passed on DC and on Taylor Hicks; how many others who either made Top 2 or sold millions of albums did he pass on? And the artists he’s “discovered” are, while certainly not talentless, all cookie-cutter. I hope Archuleta wins, Simon’s his promoter and Svengali, and Archuleta, Sr. turns out to be six times worse than his reputation.
I think all the links are on here now, but just for one-stop shopping:
ROUND 1
David Cook I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
David Archuleta Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, or “good time to go smoke”.
To hell with Simon- Cook took this round with that song. (Was he wearing a Star of David necklace, incidentally?)
ROUND 2
David Cook Dream Big
David Archuleta In This Moment
Did you notice he’d pretty much said exactly the lyrics of the song while being interviewed? I don’t think this kid exists when he’s not onstage. And was it just me or did you expect him to break into Don’t Cry Out Loud because his melismatic moments sounded exactly like that’s what he was going for several times.
ROUND 3
David Cook The World I Know - hardly my favorite of his performances, but I thought it bitchslapped Archuleta’s Imagine… AGAIN!
David Archuleta Imagine (the Ex-purgated Version- (the one without the gannet and the “imagine there’s no heaven” opening that never really worked)
Did he even change a note from the last time he sang it? If not, why sing it again? And does anybody know if the "exp And the way he prolongs those notes it’s like he’s punishing the song for something (the a-theistic lyrics perhaps?). The way he stretches notes it’s a pity he’s not black or he’d be a shoe in next time Soul Glo needs a jingle singer.
So, I don’t hate Archuleta, and I even think with training he could be one of my favorite singers. I really do think the kid is filled brimming with talent and once he has some life experience and his hands are untied and he starts choosing his own material. Once he learns to stop blinking T-O-R-T-U-R-E with his eyes and once he grows out of that awkward “lovechild of Taylor and Dr. Zira” monkeyish phase he’ll be cute. He’s not there yet though.
Cook is just a fnord that by this time next year it’ll be like he was there all along. He’ll keep growing, he’ll make good choices, he’ll re-release his original album and redo it with a budget, he’ll be cool.
I don’t think Archuleta will be sharing an efficiency with Sanjaya and Justin Guarini and working as a loader at CostCo this time next year, but I don’t think his first CD’s going to sell much beyond to teenaged girls. I do hope he has someone in his life to lead him into adulthood with his own interests in mind, as I really do think he has a high midichlorian level (and again and again- he’d clean up in Lion King or Aladdin or any other musical Disney cares to stage before he’s 21), but if not I see major headlines in a few years and not in a good way (or a precise one- vague vision, but something about his dad, gunfire, and either Joey Bishop or Orville Redenbacher returning from the dead).
