I know there have been a lot of these lately, but they’ve mostly been by men
asking what women want. Meanwhile, I’m a woman and not finding any men I’m
especially interested in.
I finished taking classes in May and used my newfound free time to setup an
okcupid account. I’ve met about 10, most of whom were pleasant company and some
of whom were kinda cute but didn’t feel much chemistry with any of them. The
same thing is true of the handful guys I’ve met IRL through friends, classes,
etc - mostly pleasant people, sometimes cute, no real compulsion to see them
again after a date or three. I’m getting frustrated.
Actually a lot of my ‘longer’ relationships go the same way. I meet someone that
seems interested in me and over the course of about a month or two discover that
either they’re pretty cool but we have wildly different energy levels or that he
really likes me and I’m under-enthused, plus afraid of leading him on. Either
way, I break up with him after a couple of months. I can’t seem to get past the
3 month mark.
What do I need to do differently?
I’ve been taking better care of my appearance and trying to be more outgoing.
Possibly I need to do more of this, but I’ve still gotten enough attention in
the past to make me feel like I have something to offer. I’m in my mid-20s in a
college town, so the demographic isn’t quite what I’d wish for, but I have a lot
of men friends.
I’ve been told I’m too picky, but nearly everyone gets a second date. I’ve been
told I should hang on to the next pleasant guy, even if there aren’t fireworks,
because I might get attached over a longer period of time. This strikes me as
kind of icky and probably a waste of time.
That’s just silly. As if any guy wants you to hang on to him out of pity or ‘just in case.’ If your problem is immediate attraction that fizzles away, maybe you need to go the opposite route– find a bunch of guy friends that you like as people and really ‘click’ with (if you don’t have some already). They’re more likely to know guys with similar tastes that they can introduce you to. If someone piques your interest, start off as friends as see if things progress. If they don’t, no big deal, but if they do you will have avoided the panicky first meeting, first date jitters and eventual disappointment.
(Okay, writing it out that way makes it seem waaay too easy.)
Do your most favorite thing that requires the energy level that you are most apt being in…do it often…get more noticed doing it…and attract the guys that are doing the same thing when you do it.
Ex: Rock Climbing.
Go rock climbing every weekend or when time permits. Go to different places where there is rock climbing is very popular. You will be using the same energy level that the guys will be expending; you will have a common interest that is one of your favorites (maybe his too) and you can ask to team up with someone if they are visually pleasing to you (or courteous, or <insert trait here>). Don’t wear any rings on any fingers wherever you go so guys don’t have to guess whether or not your attached.
Actually, this might have been what they meant and I just missed it. It certainly sounds less gross than hanging onto someone to see if something changes and less stressful than dates. Incidentally, I think this is listed as a no-no in the thread about the guy with the chick-magnet roommate.
What kind of man do you believe you are most interested in? What is there about you that that kind of man would be interested in?
3 months is long? :eek: Have you had any long term relationships? If so describe them, and what went wrong. Were any of them the kind of man you believe you’d be most interested in, as above?
For me with internet dating, what made the difference was being more specific. Ruthlessly so. Against friends’ advice I was extremely prescriptive, saying for instance in the star sign field “I’d prefer someone who didn’t know what their star sign was”, for which I was told I was being courageous, in the “Yes, Minister” sense. That was 6 years ago and I’m still with the woman who will be my partner for the rest of my life.
Definitely a waste of time. You’re better off with nobody than a kinda-OK partner.
I want someone I like talking to. That’s something I don’t think I could compromise on. Preferably someone who can make me laugh. I’m a PhD student, so intelligence is a big plus and I can handle a little geekiness. Moderately good looking, respects me, has his own interests, confident, knows how to flirt, has a grasp of the outside world. I don’t especially need him to spend money on me.
I’ve been told I’m good-looking and sometimes I believe it. I think I can hold interesting conversations. I have a mischievous streak that’s dying to be let out and I hate playing games.
The best relationship I’ve had was with a guy that met most of my criteria. I really liked talking to him and we’re still very good friends, but he couldn’t flirt to save his life and so our interactions got to be very non-sexual. He also couldn’t talk about anything non-science-related, a little too one dimensional. I felt like I wouldn’t be content with him and that was that.
Yup, 3 months counts as a long time for me. That’s why I’m asking for advice.
If you aren’t all that interested in the guys, don’t try to force it. Is there any specific reason you’re not thrilled about the guys you’re meeting, or are you fairly comfortable being single and don’t want to give it up for just any old guy? Being selective to find a good match is not picky (well, it kind of is, but a good kind of picky).
A lot of them have seemed pretty good on paper, but there was something missing. No sparks, I guess. I feel like I should look forward to seeing them again and very often I don’t care if they want to see me again or not.
Maybe I’m overly cynical, but I suspect this list would exclude a large percentage of guys. Not necessarily a bad thing, it just makes your search that much more difficult. Which explains the thread I guess…
An observation from someone intelligent, more than a little geeky, and who couldn’t flirt to save his life
Didn’t say they were unreasonable. I just think that I’m not too good at either. Well, if you define “outside world” to be “politics, especially election history”, then I’m golden. And if you define ‘flirting’ as ‘being silly, sometimes in a risque manner, with people of the opposite sex, usually online’, then it’s kind of a ridiculous definition. Never mind.
I’ve met a bunch people that met say, all but one of the things on my list and a few that hit everything, but we had different senses of humor. I know I’m excluding a large percentage of guys, but I feel like I’m in the right environment to find the ones that do.
I’m a classic introvert in that I need some time alone to recharge after a busy day. I’ll leave parties by 1am, even if it will keep going until 4. I’d rather sit and chat than play capture the flag. I also need time to socialize and be silly, but probably less than average.
The guys I was thinking of had much higher energy levels - extroverted, hyper, showy types. It was wildly appealing at first, but then it started to grate on my nerves.
I agree. Maybe you’re just not interested in a long-term relationship yet. The things you’re looking for are important to a long-term relationship, but so is accepting the fact that some guys are going to fall short in some areas. You might be looking for a 100% hilarious guy, and he’s only 75% funny. When you’re ready to settle down, that 25% deficit won’t matter as much.
Keep looking. Make your profile very clear that you’re looking for a serious mate. That will weed out most of the casual dater dudes.
